Asking a woman out on a date

This is actually one of the easiest and simplest thing that men should be able to do.  Yet, out of all the questions posed by clueless, fearful men this one gets probably asked the most.

So since some men like to mentally masturbate through their dating life, which ironically leads to more actual masturbation....here is a nice, technical flowchart to answer one of the most often asked questions.

Click on the chart below for a larger view:

Trust

*Chances are, if you're reading this article, then you might want to read this first: Knowing When To Walk Away and then ask yourself honestly if your girlfriend or wife is displaying any of the behaviors listed there.

The word "Trust" is often misused when it comes to men and women dynamics. Most experts will tell you that trust is the cornerstone of a good relationship but they rarely address what conditions need to be present before that trust can and should be given.  People trust their partners all the time and get burned.  I think those people will tell you that simply giving your trust to someone has very little to do with the actual outcome of your relationship. 

The purpose of this post is to identify when a man can fully trust a woman. 

As a man, how do you know when to trust a woman? “Trust” meaning to make a commitment to her and know that she will have your best interest at heart when she makes decisions. 

A man needs to have standards; women won’t respect you if you don’t. However, no one can tell you what those exact standards are as this is something only you can build through experience in dating.  You have to know what kind of woman you want to share your life with long term.

Whatever standards you choose to live by, if you want to trust that a woman will do right by you and your relationship, I believe it must be comprise of the following 3 criteria:

Character: A woman’s character is by far the most important of the 3 criteria, although this is the one area that is discussed the least. If a woman doesn’t have good character, the other 2 points below won’t matter. What you consider “good character” may slightly differ depending on your upbringing but I think for the most part we can all agree on the following:

a. Loyal

b. Supportive

c. Doesn't constantly seek attention from men

d. Considerate and thinks about your needs before her own

e. Loving and sweet natured

f. Family oriented

g. Empathetic and Sympathetic

h. Not materialistic

i. Demonstrates a sound set of morals and values

If you have a woman that embodies these characteristics then you have a very good foundation with which to build a healthy and loving relationship.  While there may be other character traits that are important to you, these are the minimum ones that are necessary before you can consider trusting a woman fully.


Happiness: This is the area that most therapist, counselors, and every article on the web likes to focus on. The general consensus is that if a woman is emotionally, mentally, and physically happy in your relationship then she won’t want to put herself in a position to have an affair.  That assumption is only partly true as it also depends heavily on her character and morals.

Criteria for happiness may differ slightly from woman to woman depending on her expectations but I believe that in general the following aspects are necessary for a woman to feel satisfied in her relationship:

a. She respects you and looks to you as the leader of the relationship.

b. You make her feel loved and protected.

c. Your sex life together is active and exciting.

d. You don’t get complacent and let yourself go physically or in the way you present yourself when you’re out in public.

e. You don’t let the relationship become boring. You still "date" her.

f. You don’t let yourself become boring. You are still constantly learning new things, taking up new hobbies, and improving yourself in general

g. You still stay attractive to women in general which makes her proud that she is with you.

h. You are a rock in the storm. You know when to just listen and when to step in and take care of a problem.

In other words you ask yourself from time to time, "If I met her today, would she still want to date me?"

Women will always have something to complain about in a relationship, even if deep down inside they know they are very lucky. They need something to bring to the table when they get together with their girlfriends for dinner. It’s really like a sport to them! But in general if the above areas are fulfilled, a woman won’t do anything to put her relationship in jeopardy.


Circumstance:  This is the area that most men will focus on the most. Circumstance is essentially opportunity. The following are the most common factors that have no place in a respectful, healthy relationship:

a. She spends a lot of time one-on-one time with male colleagues/friends.

b. She goes to clubs/bars and dresses and behaves as if she is still single.

c. She takes girls' weekend trips to places that are known for hooking up such as Vegas or Miami.

d. She keeps in contact with her ex-boyfriends.

If you allow her to consistently put herself in these circumstances, then it will be no surprise that eventually she'll cheat on you.  It's not about morals or ethics at this point, it's about human nature.  As the old saying goes, "If you hang out a barber shop long enough, you'll eventually get a haircut". 

However, while it's easy to focus on just "Circumstances", it is a common mistake to not take the previous 2 factors into consideration.  If you only focus on this area it can end up causing other issues in your relationship.  You cannot get into a mindset where you won't allow her to go anywhere or do anything without you.  If you do then it will cause her to feel distrusted, accused, unappreciated, and will create a resentment that will be equally as damaging to your relationship. 

Part of happiness for a woman is that she feels valued and bonded with her partner.  If she is constantly under a microscope then you'll end up pushing her away from your relationship, which of course defeats the entire purpose of having standards.


Scenarios

Here are 3 of the more common scenarios where the advice, "You just have to trust her" has zero impact or usefulness:

1. Bad Character, Happy In The Relationship, Controlled Circumstances

This scenario happens to a lot of men who are desperate and will take whoever comes along; unfortunately often times this involves women with bad character. The women in this scenario will usually be one of the 4 types of women who will date nice guys. In this situation a man will bend over backwards to make sure she is happy. He'll do pretty much anything she wants in order to keep her in the relationship. He'll also be very vigilant in where she goes, but that won't make a difference because women of bad character will always find a way to get involved with other men.

In this case, all the advice in the world about making sure your woman is "happy in the relationship" won't make a bit of difference.

 
2. Good Character, Not Happy In The Relationship, Seeking Circumstances

This scenario is probably the most unfortunate because it started off on the right path with the man choosing wisely.  In all likelihood, this relationship should have been able to go the distance.

This is also the most common scenario as it is easy for men to start taking women for granted, getting complacent, and in general stop paying attention to the health of the relationship.

If a woman is unhappy she will gradually put herself in situations that will lead to affairs. If she has good character then it'll take awhile but no human being can stay miserable indefinitely. This is when the common workplace affairs happen or she starts to talk to an ex-boyfriend because she is so unhappy in her relationship.  This is also when a lot of emotional affairs on social media can occur. She is consciously or subconsciously looking to feel wanted, loved, and alive.

In this case the man is so blind that he won't even notice that she is drifting away because he hasn't been paying attention for a long time, which was the root cause of this scenario in the first place.  This is the only scenario where the many articles in women's magazines and on the web have any validity; if she is happy then she won't stray on you.

3. Good Character, Happy In The Relationship, Opportunistic Circumstances

This scenario is the easiest of the three.  You've got a great woman and she's happy.  Now you just have to have the courage to draw fair and appropriate boundaries.  Unfortunately men today are afraid to put their foot down and stand up for themselves.  Men are taught to put their own needs and self worth aside and are made to feel bad if they draw a line in the sand.  They are told they are jealous, controlling, and insecure.  So therefore they suffer silently and let their wife or girlfriend put themselves in situations where infidelity can easily happen.

A woman with good character won't seek out to have an affair on purpose, especially if she is happy. The affair will always start off innocently enough and often times you'll hear women explain that "they didn't mean for it to happen".  Most women today were raised in a time when behaving as if you're single while still enjoying the benefits of a stable and loving relationship is the norm. This doesn't mean that all women are cold hearted users, as a lot of angry, frustrated men like to say.  In fact, I believe a lot women have very good character but they also have developed very bad habits.

In this case it is very important that you establish boundaries that you feel are respectful for you and your relationship.  You have the right to say, "I don't feel what you're doing is appropriate and I won't tolerate this type of behavior in a relationship".  If you've picked a woman with good character and you've done your part in making sure she is happy in the relationship, she'll clearly see that you are trying to proactively keep the health of your relationship strong.

If a woman cannot abide by fair and reasonable standards of behavior then either you shouldn't be with her or she most likely falls under the first scenario above.


I'll be the first to admit that being involved in this field for as long as I have and seeing some of the atrocities that people do to one another has negatively affected my own ability to trust completely.  However, I will now be the first to tell you that it is vital to the bond of your relationship that you have a healthy amount of "Trust" for each other.

Summary

- If you want to have healthy, loving, long term relationships you must first and foremost pick women who possess good character.  You don't have anything if you don't have that. 

- It is your responsibility to ensure that she is loved, protected, and happy in your relationship.  Don't get lazy.  

- You must have a standard of behavior that you believe in and that you share with her. Don't be afraid to stand up for your boundaries.

If you have these ideals in place, then you can fully trust that no matter what challenges life brings to your relationship, she will stand by you and with you through it all.

Staying Attractive In Long Term Relationships

"If you met her today, would she still date you?"

This blog focuses a lot on helping men be able to interact and date women in an attractive way. Eventually most men want to be in a relationship with the right woman, hopefully their Soulmate. They work on shedding their Nice Guy ways, they learn to understand that their Desperations are based on unrealistic Fears and they start to approach women, risk rejection, go on dates, and in doing so they will eventually get into a serious relationship. So one of the questions I get without fail is “Now that I’m in a relationship, how do I still stay challenging, interesting, and attractive?”

Here is some context to the question:

Men who are brain washed with the nice, pansy guy mentality have always put women on pedestals. They’ll fear talking to women, they won’t know what to say, and most of them are either lonely and/or always in the dreaded Friend Zone. Once they learn how to overhaul their entire mentality and become strong, dominant men they find that they have options with women that they never had before.

Unfortunately, due to their lack of experience with dating for most of their lives growing up, they didn’t have many opportunities to be in actual relationships. So they lack real life context in how a relationship is supposed to be. But through this improvement process, they do quickly learn that having other women in their lives, having a sense of mystery, having interesting hobbies, a cool lifestyle, being challenging, and maintaining a level of control over your emotions is highly attractive to women universally.

However, when you’re in a long term relationship, once you get to know the person, a lot of the mystery, intrigue and general surface-level attraction enigmas slowly disappear. This is normal and obviously cannot be avoided. So men ask the question, “Now that I’m in a relationship, how do I still stay challenging, interesting, and attractive?”

Men usually ask the question because they still do not understand the core concept of attraction when it comes to women. They only understand it from a surface level point of view. They still see being attractive as a “trick” or some sort of ploy. They still don’t understand that deep, core-level attraction and respect is about the type of man you are. Yes, all the things that you’ve learned that women are naturally attracted to are true, but emotionally healthy women don’t enter a serious relationship with you based on those surface attraction traits, they are in a relationship with you because they love you for the man that you are and continue to be.

Another very popular question I get that relates directly to this is, “When can I stop ‘playing the game’ now that I’m in a relationship?”  Some men ask this out of not understanding attraction (similar to the first question above) and others ask it out of laziness.

Let me ask you this...

When is it alright for your girlfriend or wife to gain 50lbs? (pregnancy not withstanding)

When would it be alright for her to be in sweats all the time and stop wearing sexy lingerie?

When would it be alright for her to stop dressing up for you and wearing make up for a night out on the town?

When would it be alright for her to stop being loving and supportive of you?

When can she stop doing all those things, be fat, and for you to still love her and want to build a life with her like the way you do now?

The answer is of course, "Never". There is never a time she can let herself go and stop being the woman you fell in love with because that is her responsibility. For her to do so would be disrespectful to you and her conveying that she has now taken you and your love for granted.  If she were to do some or all of those things above, your attraction for her and ultimately your love will definitely diminish.

So if it is never alright for a woman to let herself go physically or emotionally, which are the source of your attraction for her, then why would it be alright for you to let yourself go?

You will always need to stay attractive, even if its not in the same way that you do when you first started dating. Here are ways that you still maintain your attractiveness throughout your relationship:

1) If a woman stays physically attractive, she will ALWAYS have choices in men. Whether she exercises that or not is irrelevant but she knows the options are there. Obviously if you want to have a healthy relationship, picking up other women is not the way to go. But it doesn’t mean that you let your attractive traits become stagnant. It doesn’t mean that you don’t keep up your clothing style, your fitness, and your ability to be able to converse with women.  

A woman will always care about how people (especially other women) view their man, just like how you'll always care how her body looks.  It is your responsibility to still be attractive to women in general so that your woman will be proud to be with you.

2) It is your responsibility to stay interesting. Read and learn about new things. Pick one thing per year and try to learn and get good at it. Don’t be stagnant and do nothing but watch sports and play video games.

3) If you have a passion, get better at it. If you don’t, then definitely find one. When you’re in a long term relationship it is highly important that you have at least one passion that has nothing to do with women. Your woman cannot be the only center of your world. You have to have something else that you love that you are passionate about. If you don’t know it, then try different things in your community till you find it.

4) Don’t stop dating your wife or girlfriend. Go out and be social so that she still gets reminded from time to time why she is with you. Don’t be the wallflower guy who sits in the corner and taps away on his phone.

5) Treat your wife as you would a mistress.  If that sounds foreign to you, then I highly recommend reading "Kosher Sex" by Shmuley Boteach.

The most important question you have to ask yourself every 6 months is, “If she met me today, would she still want to date me?”

In other words, if you met your girlfriend or wife today, would you still have the attitude, lifestyle, and skill to interact with her in such a way that makes her want to go on a date with you? If the answer is no, then you’ve let yourself go and you’re doing your relationship a disservice. Being in a relationship does not mean you stop improving and evolving as a man.  Contrary to popular belief you're not "done". If you adopt this mentality, then not only do you not have to worry about your woman losing attraction for you, she’ll love you even more because every day you will solidify her decision in joining her life with yours.

Strategies That Will Ensure Your Failures

Men today spend a lot of time, energy, and money in an attempt to be able to date beautiful women.  As a result it is very common for men to be in a constant search for that silver bullet or that one BEST STRATEGY that will unlock the mysteries of dating women.  We have said time and time again that there is no such thing.

With over a decade of coaching men through this nice guy epidemic, I have found that most men deploy 1 of 3 strategies that will all but ensure their continued struggles with women.  Before we get into the strategies, I would like to first offer some definitions:

Mindset

• Understanding women's attraction processes and psychology
• Removing the "nice guy" brain washing
• Removing your shame in what you want as a man
• Removing your limiting beliefs about yourself
• Overcoming your irrational fears and anxieties about women
• Developing true self worth and self esteem

Approach

• Good body language when talking to women
• Good facial expression when talking to women
• Good tonality when talking to women
• Having interesting, challenging, and entertaining topics of conversations
• Knowing how to talk to a group of women (2 or more)
• Good social awareness on saying the right thing at the right time (calibration)
• Knowing when to physically escalate
• Knowing how to have a normal conversation
• Being genuinely interested in what a woman is sharing with you during a conversation

  Lifestyle

• Dressing well
• Being physically fit
• Having interesting hobbies
• Getting a good education
• Having a good career
• Having financial security
• Having good friends
• Knowledgeable about fun places to go in his city/town
• Well traveled or interested in traveling
• Well read

3 Common Strategies
Men are most likely going to deploy 1 of the 3 strategies below.  Each strategy will offer a different type of negative result(s).

A man deploying a "Mindset Centric" strategy will display the following factors:

1. Analysis Paralysis.  He will read a ton of books on dating and self improvement, post on a bunch of forums and participate in lengthy discussions, but he will very rarely approach women. 

2. He will know a ton of principles and theories on what he is SUPPOSED to do but he will not know how to EXECUTE on any of them because he lacks actual EXPERIENCE.

3. He will have done very little to improve any facets of his lifestyle.

4. He will go around asking dating coaches, "Do you think this is true?" about concepts or strategies that he learned or heard from other dating coaches.  He wants to get a 100% consensus before he takes any action.  Most of the time he is trying to find loopholes to not believe something because it's either too difficult or goes against his "nice guy" beliefs.

5. Often times even though he learns a lot about attraction principles, he will still not do the most important mental work of all, which is his own self worth as a man. 

Results: This man will end up confused with the enormous amount of seemingly conflicting information in his head.  He will make himself even more anxious in actually talking to women.  Often times the man ends up just as alone as before he started reading about women and dating.

A man deploying an "Approach Centric" strategy will display the following factors:

1. He will talk to many women but will experience mostly rejections.  Women will often say to him, "I have a boyfriend" or smile and say, "Thank you" and leave.

2. He may get phone numbers but the women will be non-responsive to texts and calls.  He will rarely get them out on a date or be able to generate any romantic or sexual interest.

3. He will experience a lot of flaking even when women agree to a date.

4. He is only focused on dating being a "numbers game" with no understanding of how women's attraction processes really work.  Even if he has read a few books, he has not absorbed any of the principles about female psychology.

5. He has not done any work on his own insecurities, limiting beliefs, or fears.  As a result, his vibe repels most women in all of his approaches.

6. He may spend hours at a public venue only to approach 2 women.

7. He will usually lack sexual vibe in his interactions with women.

8. Often times, even though he is heavily focused on approaching, he has not really developed good body language and a polished routine to be able to generate even minimal attraction.

Results: This man will end up very frustrated because he feels that he has to approach hundreds of women to get one date.  It takes a huge toll on his pride and self worth.  Eventually this inefficiency will lead him to either give up or simply take what comes along.

A man deploying a "Lifestyle Centric" strategy will display the following factors:

1) He will expect that having education, money, and being fit should mean that women automatically should just have sex with him.

2) He will be very frustrated that men who he deems less of a "catch" than he is are able to date women that he cannot.

3) He will have interesting hobbies, but he will still not be able to date the type of women he really wants.

4) He will usually have no problems getting phone numbers and going on the first couple of dates, but will struggle when it comes to sex and having a girlfriend.

5) He will have very little understanding of what women emotionally need to feel sexual and romantic attraction for a man. 

6) He will not know how to talk to women in such a way where she will be intriqued by him.  He believes that he should just be able to show up and women should be approaching him.

7) He will feel that his only value is monetary.

8) People in his life will say things such as, "He has a good job, decent looking, and seems like such a nice guy, I wonder why he never has a girlfriend?"

9) Often times even though he is focused on having a good lifestyle, he will spend a lot of time being very lathargic in most areas of his life.  He leans more talking about what he is "going to do" rather than what he has done.

Results: This man will end up with a heavy entitlement complex and will come across very bitter and resentful at women for not wanting him.


Men who do not approach their issues with women from a holistic standpoint will end up:

1) Angry with women.
2) Feeling horrible about themselves.
3) Taking any attractive woman that comes along, which will usually lead to a relationship based on Desperation.

Obviously the most healthy and effective method would be a strategy that balances all 3 areas equally. In the beginning this is a lot of work. Most men are lazy and don't want to put in the time. However, the irony is that if you put in the work up front, eventually each of the 3 areas will feed the other and the whole process actually becomes easier.

Read the following, "Solutions", to implement some suggested tasks that will help you get out of the hampster wheel you're currently running in.

Hardships

"There has never yet been a man in our history who led a life of ease whose name is worth remembering."
~ Theodore Roosevelt


When you guys start off on this journey to "get more women", many of you probably find out that it isn't really about that. Many of you quickly discovered that your life in general probably needs a pretty big overhaul.

You also quickly discovered how difficult this overhaul can be. If you haven't had a lot of experience in dating, you're probably shocked as to how difficult even getting a simple date can be.

Fail safe routines, secret female attraction triggers, easy to implement attraction gambits, and turning your sex life around in 30 days....well....those shortcuts start to sound pretty good.  "Just tell me what to say to make her like me. Just tell me what to do to get sex".  Men ask me that all the time such as this post here.

There is an old Asian parable that goes something like this:

There are Lotus flowers that grow around an area with volcanoes. Typically Lotus are very sensitive plants and can only grow during certain times of the year. When the conditions aren't perfect they die off quickly.

However, throughout the years people have noticed that the Lotus that grew near the heat of the volcanoes and survived were able to weather harsh conditions. So as the Lotus that weren't near the volcanoes died off quickly as the seasons changed, the ones near the volcanoes survived and actually were more brilliant in color.

The Lotus flowers that figured out a way to grow under the heat of the volcanoes thrived even in poor conditions during other times of the year.

The single biggest problem with the way boys are raised today is mental and emotional weakness. Parents are friends instead of life coaches and guides. Single mothers have become the norm. Fathers are either a bad example or non existent.

We have encouraged a society of ultra sensitive people who are offended by every single little thing. We have encouraged entitlement instead of hard work. Words such as strength, will power, fortitude, values, morals, ethics, and integrity have no meaning.

So now these boys grow up to be adults, but not men. They expect immediate gratification and are completely incapable of handling rejections of any kind. Like those sensitive Lotus flowers, once the conditions aren't absolutely perfect, they simply wither away. Fear, not courage, have become the driving force behind men today.

The difficulties you are facing right now is something that you should have gone through growing up. Hard times are meant to toughen you up so you can weather life's hard conditions. We don't prepare boys to be men anymore. Difficulties with women is just a symptom of a much larger problem.

So yes...the next few years for you is going to be tough. It will be ugly, frustrating, and you're going to feel that you're taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back...sometimes 4 steps back. But I promise you that if you never stop pushing, never stop learning, and never stop getting up and fighting, you'll get there. It's impossible not to.

These hardships...doing the difficult thing instead of taking the easy shortcuts...will give you an aura that makes women say, "There is just something about him...." Weak men never give off that vibe. That vibe can't be taught, you can't get it from a book, a forum or a blog, a bootcamp, or a DVD. You have to earn it. There are no shortcuts.
_______________________________

This video is a commencement speech given by Admiral William H McHaven, commander of the US Special Operations and former Navy Seal.  This 20 minute video is worth every second of your time and is better than anything I could ever write.

Do yourself a huge favor and listen carefully:

Using A Unique Skill To Pick Up Women

For the purpose of this post I'll use magic as the "unique skill".  However, you can replace magic with singing or composing a song, writing poetry, painting, drawing or anything of that nature.

As a magician, one of the most common questions men ask me is, "Can you teach me a trick that will help me pick up women?" On message board forums one of the most frequently asked questions by teenage boys is, "What is the best trick to ask a girl out to prom/dance/date?"

I'll start by answering both questions, I'll explain why, and then help you understand what you need to do so that you don't have to ask those questions anymore.


The Answers

"Can you teach me a trick that will help me pick up women?" 

I would if there was one that existed.  There is not a single magic trick that will make women feel attraction for you.  You may garner some interest but it won't be sexual or romantic attraction.  Once the trick is over, she'll walk away.

"What is the best trick to ask a girl out to prom/dance/date?"

None.  There isn't a magic trick will make a girl want to say "Yes" to a prom, a dance, or want to date you.  In other words, if she will not say "Yes" without a magic trick, even if you performed a really good illusion for her, she still won't change her answer.


Explanation

The reason why a magic trick or doing something romantic won't make a girl feel any sexual attraction towards you is because you're approaching it from a mindset of Fear.  When a woman feels attraction for you then doing things like a magic trick will be appreciated and valued.  However, the biggest mistake men make is they try to do romantic or cool things in order to evoke attraction and that never works.  It'll only make you look desperate. 

Attraction for women is based on your social value as a man.  The core values are:

1) If other women are attracted to you.  Are you popular with other women in your social circle or the venue you're in?  If you're not then women will not want you.  Have you ever notice that men who have women already can always can get attractive women easier?

2) If you have no fear of them.  Are you overly concern about what women think of you? Are you displaying needy behaviors?  If you reek of fear then no matter how romantic or creative you are she'll still not feel any attraction for you.

3) Are you comfortable in your own skin and in any social situation?  Here is the acid test: If you were at a social gathering and you couldn't do a magic trick, would you still be to interact with women and men in such a way that will make them want to hang out with you?

If you have the above "popularity" then not only will you NOT have to do a magic trick to ask a girl out to the prom, she'll be hoping you'll ask.  That's true attraction.  Same thing with women in any venue outside of a school setting; if you have the above social value then a woman will easily want you to come up and start a conversation with her, without having to resort to magic tricks.


Don't ask a woman if this is a good idea

If you ask a woman advice on this topic you will almost always get the wrong advice.  When a woman tells you that doing something such as a romantic magic trick, telling her how you feel, or giving her flowers is a good idea, she is imaging it coming from a man she is already attracted to mentally, physically, and emotional.  If you follow her advice and try to use those same things to try and generate attraction you'll find that it will completely backfire and make the woman actually retreat from you.

For this and many other reasons, this is why you should Never listen to what a woman SAYS she is attracted to, but instead WATCH what she is attracted to.


Your real problem and how to resolve it

Your real issue here isn't how you can craft the perfect magic performance to get her to say "yes" to the prom.  Your real issue here isn't finding that mind blowing magic trick that will make a girl want to give you her phone number and go out with you.  Your real issue here is that you don't understand how female attraction triggers work.

Fortunately there are several posts on this blog that addresses your core problems.  Read the following 3 posts and start working on yourself as a man so that you're attractive to women in general and you will not need to rely on gimmicks and tricks.  Once you remove the brain washing that pretty and sexy women are superior to you and start behaving like a normal, social, and interesting man, you'll find that those same women will naturally be drawn to you.....and that will be real, not a magic trick.

1. Common Myths All Guys Have
2. Why Women Are Attracted To Assholes
3. Why Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last

Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties

The bachelor and bachelorette party; a rite of passage.  Everyone does it, right?  Like smoking in the 60’s, bell bottoms in the 70’s, mullets in the 80’s, and jeans that hung down to your knees in the 90’s…..if everyone is doing it then it must be the right thing to do.

To celebrate the start of a marriage and life-long commitment by arranging a bachelor/bachelorette party is like going on a drinking binge before going into the 2nd trimester of a pregnancy because hey….this is the last time you’ll be able to drink for awhile.  Makes perfect sense to me.

Here is a story from a man who wrote into a message board asking for advice after his fiancé attended a bachelorette party:

My fiancée had a bachelorette party weekend with a bunch of girlfriends. They went to Florida to hang out on the beach. We have always talked about how we both hate the traditional expectations of these things - strippers, being decorated with plastic penises, dares, etc. I never told her what she should/shouldn't or could/couldn't do this weekend, but we both have always agreed that any kind of intimate contact with the opposite sex is cheating.

Anyway, I found out that her weekend was full of the kinds of games and dares we always said we didn't like. No big deal. But one of the dares was to make out with a guy. She did. They kissed, her sitting on his lap, for about 10 minutes.

I found out because she started telling me how they did have some of the "ritual stuff" but she didn't do anything like kiss someone. I was surprised they did all of the games and stuff because she had told her best friend/maid of honor she didn't want that, but I wasn't upset. She's not a good liar though, and I could tell she wasn't telling me everything. I must stress that she is usually very honest with me. More than anyone I’ve ever known.

Anyway, talking to a friend of hers, the truth inadvertently slipped. I confronted my fiancée who said it did happen and had just been too afraid and ashamed to tell me.

I am hurt, angry and I feel betrayed. I have been cheated on in the past and she knows how important issues of trust are. We are supposed to get married in one month and I am not sure what to do. Part of me wants to call to off. I'd like to say "it was a mistake" and let it go with the understanding this kind of mistake can't happen again. But I feel like my trust has been shattered. Any thoughts on this? 

Raise your hand if you’d like to be in this guy’s situation.  Anyone? Doesn’t that sound like a lovely conundrum to be in?  Of course in actuality this is an easy decision, you call off the wedding faster than she can say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen”.  But that is easier said than done when “she’s never given you any reason to doubt her"....sound familiar?

Notice that he said, “…she is usually very honest with me. More than anyone I’ve ever known”.  They even both agreed as to what is appropriate and what isn’t.  All good intentions?  Most definitely. But “good intentions” are only as worthy as your behaviors that support those good intentions. Otherwise you're exactly the same as those "immoral" people that you so quickly point fingers at and judge.

It would be easy to just chalk this up as her not being ready to be married or that she is just a slut with no morals.  And she may be all those things.  But I don’t think so.  I think more than likely she just got caught up in a haze of alcohol, bad girlfriends, and men giving her attention. She put herself in a position that is designed to attract and lure men so the result should be no surprise to anyone.


Bachelorette Parties

As a guy who has picked up a lot of women at clubs, bars, and lounges, I can tell you unequivocally that the first group of girls I will always hit first are bachelorette parties.  The easiest and fastest pickups I’ve had in my life are from bachelorette parties, whether they were single, in a relationship or married made no difference.  The reason being that women by nature are social creatures and are more prone to group dynamics.  

In other words, even if a woman has the best of intentions, if the group is participating in behaviors involving other men, she will still go along with it at least to some degree. I’ve seen firsthand how women simply “go with the flow” in situations like a bachelorette party.
 
And yes….they always tell me, “I never do this.”


Bachelor Parties

Here is the ugly truth about bachelor parties: Every guy in there is looking to either get laid or get a blow job.   Yes, ladies…even YOUR guy who “isn’t like that”.  If you’re about to get married and you’re alright with your fiancé going to a bachelor party then you’re naïve and foolish.  The ONLY reason a man will come back from a bachelor party without cheating on you is because he couldn’t or didn’t know how to make it happen, but rest assured the desire and intention was there.

When a man walks into a venue full of beautiful, half naked women designed to attract him physically and mentally, he checks his committment, morals, and love for you at the door.  This is 100% true across the board, regardless of whatever reasons you might want to give about how your man "isn't that shallow".

Here is why men attend bachelor parties, depending on their relationship status:

The Groom:  His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.

Married or in a Long Term Relationship:  His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.

Single: His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.

When a man gets into the car driving towards the venue, his intentions are already set and he is now only looking for opportunities that may be presented once he arrives. When a woman arrives at the venue, opportunities will inevitably be presented that may change her previously good intentions that she had in the car.

In either case you end up with the same destructive results for your relationship.


Last Night of Freedom

Besides the obvious pitfalls of the actual night of the parties, the attitude of this “tradition” is a horrible mentality to take prior to getting married.  What you’re saying is, “Once I’m married I can’t have fun anymore.  Once I’m officially committed then my life is going to be boring and mundane.”

If that is how people view marriage it’s no wonder that within the first 5 years both spouses gain weight, stop being considerate, no longer “date” each other, and become complacent. You’ve already put yourself in the mindset that marriage is a prison and that your single life was so much better.

Marriage should be a celebration of love, joy, and hope. The night before your wedding should not be “your last night of freedom”, it should be the evening before your life truly begins.  


Camaraderie

The most common reason (excuse) for having a bachelor/bachelorette party is that this is a time to celebrate with your friends.  I wholeheartedly agree with that; I think that there should be a celebration because this is a momentous event in your life.

But let’s be honest here, there are many different ways you can celebrate with your friends without doing the traditional bachelor/bachelorette activities.  In fact, almost any other way you choose to celebrate would not put your relationship in jeopardy like the way a traditional party would.

Instead of choosing one of the other ways to celebrate, many people decide to involve activites such as clubs, strippers, heavy drinking and dressing provocatively that is meant to put them in a position to hook up with the opposite sex.

There should absolutely be a celebration because this is such a happy moment in a couple’s life. But to arrange a party that is designed to tear apart the very relationship it is celebrating is completely
foolish and asinine.



In no other area of our life do we adopt this backwards attitude.  The night before the 1st day at an important, career-making job you get enough rest and make sure you're sharp. You don't go out and booze it up and get 3 hours of sleep. 

The night before a child moves from the 2nd grade to the 3rd grade, his parents may walk him through some 3rd grade level work so he is best prepared.  They don't give him Kindergarden work because "he will never get to do that type of work again". 

In all aspects of our life, before an important milestone we always try to go into it with the best possible preparation.  We never prepare by regressing.  Yet when it comes to marriage, the single most important decision of our life, we have a tradition that encourages....almost forces us....to regress to behaviors that presents the highest chance of destroying that union before it even begins.

How you begin something often times determine how successful you will be at it.  If you're making a life long committment then honor each other and your relationship.  Follow your integrity and respect for each other instead of blindly following the masses to participate in a corrupt tradition designed to tear apart your bond.


(This article is also posted on Yahoo Voices: http://voices.yahoo.com/bachelor-bachelorette-parties-10977868.html?cat=49)

Fear

"Limits, like fears, are often just an illusion."
~ Michael Jordan

In our last post we discussed how Desperation is the cause for most of men's failures when it comes to women and the bad behaviors they put up with in relationships. This post will discuss the creator of that desperation: Fear.

Fear leads to desperation.

This is one of the most complex topics because fears are learned at such a young age that it is imbedded in every facet of the psyche. It is so ingrained that to unravel it takes a considerable amount of time and success to counter all the years of conditioning.



Fear is the seed of male brain washing.  Fear is the basic driver for why Nice Guys Always Finish Last and why so many men don't know When To Walk Away from bad relationships with toxic women. Each guy who has problems with dating or relationships suffer from some level of fear.  While the symptoms may manifest itself differently depending on the personality of the guy, fear is the foundation of most of the problems men have with women. 
 
One book that I feel is mandatory reading for every guy today is, No More Mr. Nice Guy.  This book goes in-depth about how men today are raised to be subserviant to women.  The author, Robert Glover, goes into how that not only affects their interactions with women but it also prevents them from integrating properly into normal society.  As a result many men walk around in constant fear that they're not good enough.  He has some excellent exercises and strategies on how to reverse this mindset.  I highly recommend this book.
 
From a relationship and dating stand-point, here are some typical fear based thoughts that men have:

1. She is too beautiful and is out of my league.
2. I think that sex is strictly a favor that women do for men.
3. I'm afraid to a kiss a woman because she might be offended.
4. I'm too old.
5. I'm too young.
6. I'm not rich enough, handsome enough, tall enough, funny enough, social enough, "insert characteristic of choice" enough for women to like me.
7. I'm not good enough for women unless I take care of their every need, buy them things, be understanding, patient, compromising, flexible and never argue with them even when my own needs aren't met.
8. I need to always apologize to women whenever they throw a tantrum. 
9. I better not say anything too risky or else I might offend women.
10. I don't want women to think I'm just like every other guy who only wants sex.
11. I don't want to disagree with anything a woman says or does.
12. I care about what women think of me and would be devastated if they don't approve of what I'm doing or saying.

These fears become so ingrained that it becomes a part of your existence.  Your actions or lack thereof stems from these unrealistic fears.  Fears like these may result in men suffering from:

1. Depression
2. Sexual Dysfunction
3. Extremely Negative Outlook
4. Anger and Violence Issues
5. Heavy Drinking or Drugs
6. Trouble Sleeping
7. Deep Seeded Hatred Towards Women

If there is one thing I want you guys to take away from this post is that ALL of your internal fears are completely and utterly FALSE.  None of what you think about how you fit into this world is true.

You are a man. You are born to be the leader in a romantic relationship. You have the right to have beautiful and good women in your life.  You have the right to have expectations and standards.  If you let fear rule your life, you'll just end up taking whoever comes along.  A real man's life is not ruled by anyone.  He doesn't need anyone's approval.  People seek his approval.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something or be somebody.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are less than someone else or that you're not worthy of a passionate and happy life.  Don't let your irrational fears and perceived weaknesses be an excuse.  There are no excuses.

We all have areas in our life that needs improvement. A key factor in being a strong man is recognizing those areas and doing everything in your power to strengthen those weaknesses. If you aren't happy with an area in your life, then go out and learn how to improve on it and don't stop till you're happy with the results. Anyone can be good at anything if you put in enough effort and willpower. Any weakness can be overcome or lessened with hard work. 

Every fear that have kept you from succeeding with women are false.  100% false.  It is completely up to you how much work you want to put in to overcome those fears and find success.  If you don't want to put in the work and want to take shortcuts then that is something you need to own up to, but don't make excuses and claim that you're "unlucky" or how other guys "have it easier".  Everyone pays their dues, one way or another.

Here is what FEAR really means:

F.alse

E.vidence
A.ppearing
R.eal

You have a lot more control over all aspects of your life than you think.  Whether you are 15 or 50, it is never too soon or too late to strive to be a stronger man.  It is this internal strength, will power, and clarity that all women, from all walks of life, will be innately attracted to.


"Back in high school and college, when I wanted to ask a woman out, I would first spend several weeks thinking about her. I would imagine what it would be like to be with her. My fear, self-limiting beliefs, and lack of skills prevented me from just approaching her and asking her out.

When I finally got up the nerve to approach the woman I had been obsessing about, I would wait until the last minute, walk up to her awkwardly and blurt out something like, "I don't guess you would want to go out with me tonight, would you?" She would usually respond with a look of surprise and say something like, "Oh, I already have plans for tonight." Then I would feel foolish, retreat, and never talk to her again. When I did succeed getting a girlfriend, I would hang on to her forever because I didn't want to repeat the process of having to start dating all over again."

~ Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy