Cheating and Affairs

With the exception of having children, there isn't a single event that can permanently alter an otherwise healthy relationship than having an affair.  There have been volumes of articles and books written about the topic of cheating.  There have been countless studies done about why people cheat, why men cheat, why women cheat, etc. etc. etc.

Now I can regurgitate those topics and talk about who cheats more and who has more opportunity, but in the end those topics get us no where.  The fact is, if a man or a woman wants to cheat because they are sexually or emotionally unhappy or need constant reassurance, then there isn't anything that their partner can do about it.  

Instead, what I want to discuss today is something that is rarely talked about: Responsibility.  Next time when you read a relationship article on Cosmo, Redbook, GQ, MSN, or Yahoo, count how many times the word "responsibility" comes up.  We're very good at talking about our "rights" but we never talk about our responsibility when being in a committed relationship.

It isn't your partner's job to be vigilant in keeping you from having an affair...it's yours.   What a novel thought, eh?   Yes...it is YOUR responsibility in keeping yourself from situations where cheating becomes a higher risk than it has to be.  When people cheat, the most commonly heard phrase is, "I never meant for it to happen".  While that is no excuse, there is some validity to that statement because often times those people actually entered into a situation with no intentions to cheat.  But they played with fire and lost control to their emotions and sexual drives.

I'll quote a good friend of mine on this topic: "We always underestimate human nature and overestimate ourselves."


Building Blocks of Affairs

Cheating is a lot like dating; rarely do you jump right into sex.  You have to spend a bit of time together and form connections, especially for women.  The most common forms of date-like activities we do that are building blocks of affairs are:

1) Happy hour after work.
2) One on one lunches or dinners with the opposite sex.
3) Personal conversations that include topics about hobbies, sex, what you like or don't like in a relationship. 
4) Trading flirty emails or texts.
5) Going to parties without your partner.
6) Turning to a friend of the opposite sex when you have an argument with your partner.

This isn't about ignoring people, obviously every one of us interact with people of the opposite sex everyday through work and various social groups.  This is about not setting the stages and forming "friendships" that will lead to affairs when the right event or situation occurs.   In a separate post we'll address why men and women can't "just be friends".

To put it simply: Don't behave like a single person when you're in a relationship.


Events Where Affairs Can Happen

Often times the building blocks that are discussed above will culminate when people are thrown together in an event where they have a long length of time together.  These events can be:

1) Business trips with co-workers of the opposite sex
2) Company conferences or events that require you to be away for several days
3) Co-ed trips of any sort
4) Vacations without your partner

Events such as guys or girls night out at clubs or drinking heavily in any event should be obvious.  It you don't understand why that isn't conducive to a healthy relationship, then you're not relationship material and would be a bad investment of anyone's time.

If the first thing you think about when reading this is, "You just want people to be isolated!", then you are the very people who would have an affair and say, "I didn't mean for it to happen!", because you don't understand the concept of responsibility.  This isn't about isolating yourself, it's about behaving responsibly when you're in situations that cannot be avoided.  For example, you may have to work closely with someone that is attractive, but how you conduct yourself is what counts.


What About Trust?

Trust is a misused word.  Asking someone to trust you when you've put yourself in a high risk situation is the exact opposite of responsibility.  You are putting the burden on someone else to deal with your irresponsible behavior. 

Trust comes into play when you're in a situation that cannot be avoided but you've already proven that you do what you can to prevent situations that are avoidable.  When you ask your partner to trust you, he or she has to have evidence that you have their best interest at heart.  If you've shown that you consistently disregard their feelings and your relationship's well being, then what is there for them to trust you on?


Prevention and Responsibility

It all amounts to how much you love and value not only your partner, but how much you love and value the type of relationship you have. If you honestly feel that it’s something rare, then avoiding temptations shouldn't be difficult.

Every man and woman knows what is right and what is wrong in regards to being in a committed relationship. There are 2 simple questions that people practically never ask themselves.  I promise you that if you and your partner live by these 2 questions, your relationship will be a lot stronger and healthier for it:

1) “If my partner did what I’m thinking about doing, how would I feel?”

2) "If my partner was in this situation, what would I want him or her to do to let me know our relationship is safe?"


You don't decide NOT to cheat at 2am in the morning when you're starring at a hot blonde with her tits hanging out and her hand is on your leg.   You don't decide NOT to cheat when you're huddled in a corner of a dimly lit bar with a charming and interesting man.

You decide NOT to cheat the moment that happy hour invite comes in at 2pm in the afternoon.  You decide NOT to cheat when you turn down that invitation to go to a pool party because your partner can't be there.  You decide NOT to cheat when you tell your co-workers, "no thanks", when asked to go check out the nightlife when you're in Miami for a business trip and instead you go up to your room to call home.

THAT is called responsibility.