~ Benjamin Franklin
In this blog I often refer to the "brain washing or wussification of men". This brain washing is insidious; it's very consistent and amazingly universal. I've worked with guys from all parts of the world and each one of them practically share the same issues when it comes to their fears and misconceptions about women. If you survey any good dating coaches they'll also tell you that they hear the same type of false beliefs.
Like a virus, the following false beliefs have spread to men all across the world and have led countless men down a path of confusion, frustration, and loneliness.
1. There's this one girl.....
90% of men who seek any type of dating advice have "this one girl" that they have been pining for and could never get. There's always "this one girl" in class, at the gym, at the cafe, at work, or a female friend they've known for awhile, etc.
The cold hard truth is: She will never see you as more than a friend. Never. Ever.
Ever.
And no....she isn't "special". She is not different from every other girl. You don't have a deep connection. And one day she won't see that you're the best man for her.
You only think she's special because she was one of the very few women you've met that just happened to be nice to you. She was just being polite or treated you like a friend but because you aren't used to any attention from women and you aren't used to seeing real attraction, you think she's got to be the one you've been waiting for.
The problem isn't "that one girl". The problem lies within your own misconceptions about what woman are attracted to. You have to first understand that Nice Guys Always Finish Last.
Let's say you're a baseball player and I'm your coach. You come to me one day and say, "Coach, there's this one pitcher that I just can't seem to get a home run off of, can you help me?"
I'm going to tell you: "The problem isn't that you can't hit a home run off that one pitcher, the problem is that you're a crappy baseball player. You can't hit a home run off ANY pitcher. So the solution here isn't to worry about that one pitcher but to work on your entire game. You'll come to practice, you'll go play real games against other pitchers, and you'll improve as a player. Then you won't care about that one pitcher because you'll be hitting home runs off other pitchers consistently."
I assure you that if you stubbornly continue to insist that you're meant to be with "that one girl", you'll find yourself watching her walk away with a guy that you'll think is a loser. But he isn't a loser in her eyes because he will understand what you don't at this moment, which is how to relate to women in a way that will spike attraction not mute it.
2. OK...so if I can't get "that one girl" right now, how about if I improve myself and then give it another shot?
The short and simple answer is that once a woman puts you into the "friend zone", you're staying there forever. Once a woman sees that you show her a lot of interest and that you value her more than she values you, she will lose all attraction for you.
For a more detailed answer, I felt that someone already illustrated this much better. The following illustration is The Ladder Theory and a link to the detailed description:
3. Where is the best place to meet women?
Similar to the root cause of the two preceding questions, the problem isn't location, it's your ability to attract women. If you have the correct mindset and skills to interact with women successfully, you can literally attract women anywhere; at school, at work, at a bar, at a lounge, at a coffee shop, at a sandwich shop, at a friend's party, at a stranger's party.......anywhere.
Let me flip the question in a way that you'll understand from a man's point of view: Where is the best place for a woman to wear a tight, low cut tank top and short skirt so that you'll feel attraction for her?
Anywhere. Right?
But if a woman is overweight or unattractive, does it matter where she is? Will your level of attraction for her change depending on the venue?
Women's attraction triggers, like yours, never truly "turn off". A woman, especially one who is single or unhappy in a relationship, is always constantly open to meeting men who "get it"....just like you're always looking for a woman with a pretty face and nice body.
Attraction triggers are not dependent on location. Women are attracted to men who "get it" and it doesn't matter where they meet. The fact that you're asking this question already shows that you don't get it. Women can sense that from a mile away.
Location is irrelevant.
4. The desire to want a woman that is physically beautiful and in good shape is "shallow".
This one myth is the bedrock of male brain washing. This little seed took away the one thing that allowed men to be on an even playing level with women. When men were free to feel that they needed, required, and expected women to be physically beautiful, it was the one thing that women had to compete with other women against. This balanced out the game because men naturally knew they had to compete with other men for a woman.
More importantly if men were easily drawn by beauty and felt the desire to pursue it, then women knew that beauty alone wasn't enough to hold a guy. This forced women to develop good character traits in addition to staying in good shape. There was a standard that balanced out the game.
Today, men have built in trip wires to feel they are being "shallow" if they expect a woman to be physically beautiful before dating her or committing to her. Let me ask you, do you even know why you feel this way? I bet you that you don't. (I'll address the common "reasons" how this myth is sold to you in a separate post).
Beauty is a very real and important attraction trigger for men. This is absolutely nothing that you should ever be ashamed of. Women have their natural requirements that men need to meet in order for them to feel sexual attraction. Men have them too and physical beauty is on top of the list.
NEVER be ashamed to want a woman who takes care of herself physically. You should not only want it, you should expect it. Desirable women take care of their outward qualities as much as their inner qualities.
When it comes to attraction triggers as important as physical beauty, there is no such thing as "shallow". That is a word invented to keep you feeling ashamed of your natural needs and requirements, which contributes to many men feeling ashamed to be a man.
5. I don't want to play games.
And this is why you're losing at the game of dating and relationships.
Girls, by the time they're 8 years old, are already starting to compile data about social interactions. By junior high, socially they're already head and shoulders above boys 5 years older than them. They have better built-in instincts because ever since they grew breasts they understood the power they have over boys and they've had a lot of practice on how to wield that power.
So here you come, at 14 or 15 years old, you look up from your video games and realize you want to have sex. Then after years of no success, at 25, 35, 45, or 55 years old you then say you don't want to play games.
Right.
If you don't understand or refuse to accept that this is a game, then women will gladly play you. And yes...women who say "I don't want to play games" are playing you.
6. I just want to be myself.
It is common knowledge that most people are not born to be good public speakers. Obviously there is a small percentage of people who are born with intrinsic talents where it will allow them to be very good public speakers naturally. If one of those rare people express nervousness before a big speech, it would be appropriate for me to tell him to "just be yourself".
For the rest of us we'll need training, practice, constant exposure, and improvement to be good public speakers. This is absolutely no different when it comes to the ability to interact and attract women.
"Just be yourself" is one of the most useless and lazy piece of advice ever uttered. You, at this very moment, are not your best self. You do not possess the skill to be sexually appealing to women in general. This is why you are where you are.
If "being yourself" is good enough to attract women, then you'd be having sex with beautiful women consistently. You're not. So learn to tune out this advice. It has contributed to your stalemate and lack of growth.
7. I have to make a lot of money to attract women.
Young boys today are raised to be "providers" and not "lovers". (We'll dive into the clear distinctions between providers and lovers in a separate post).
This is why so many men find themselves 45 years old, divorced, having no idea what just happened, and being nothing more than a walking checkbook.
This is why many men feel they have to take women to fancy dinners, buy gifts, pay their bills and generally try to buy a woman's love and affection. Many men believe they have to buy their way into a woman's bed. It is such a common myth that it is accepted without question.
Money is an attraction trigger, but not for the reasons you think it is. Money generally equals power, ambition, or both. Power and ambition are huge attraction triggers for women. Money, in itself, is worthless as a real attraction trigger. If I gave a "nice guy", who doesn't understand women dynamics, two million dollars he will get a few women he cannot get today, but they'll empty his wallet and then leave him.
Money, in itself, will not buy you the love and affection you so badly crave. You may get a little more sex, but it won't be anything like the kind of sex that comes from a woman who feels genuine, gut-level passion for you.
You don't need to make a lot of money to have and keep beautiful women in your life. If you make a lot of money, do it because you have a passion to build wealth. But it will be no replacement for understanding women dynamics. Each of you reading this knows at least one guy who doesn't have a dime to his name but can get women that you've always wanted. And you find yourself asking, Why Do Women Fall For Assholes?
Obviously I'm not encouraging poverty. Whatever career or financial security you want to achieve for yourself should meet YOUR own level of standards. As long as you're reasonably comfortable then money is a non-issue when it comes to women. Money is not a short cut to getting the kind of women you want. You'll be disappointed unless you improve your dating skills along with your bank account balance.
8. Sex is a favor that women do for men.
This one myth is why so many men would rather be locked up in a sealed trunk with rabid rats than face the moment before they have to kiss a woman.
This one myth is why so many men are willing to jump through any amount of hoops in order to have a shot at sleeping with a woman.
This one myth is why the term "getting lucky" was invented.
What's not a myth is that women love sex. A lot. Women have sexual fantasies. A lot. Women talk about sex. A lot. Women love to be kissed. A lot.
But they don't want to be kissed by a guy who feels unworthy. They most certainly wouldn't have sex with him. Men who "don't get it" exude a fear and nervousness that kills any attraction the woman may feel.
Women want to have sex with men who don't have sexual hang ups. Women want to have sex with men who don't think it's a favor. Women want to have sex with men who refuse to allow sex to be used as a form of punishment and reward.
Sex is an exciting, sensual, erotic, and beautiful experience that is a necessary requirement for both men and women alike. Women need it within a different context than men do. And certainly what men get out of sex is different than what women get out of it. But it is still wanted and still desired. If you as a man don't get that, then you'll find yourself begging for sex for the rest of your life.
9. I need to always "be there" for a woman.
Women have an amazing ability to create drama in their life. Nice, desperate guys are always there for women, playing Superman, and trying to fix every problem. Men, who get it, expect that women take care of their own responsibilities. Women say "thank you" to the former and have sex with the latter.
Unless you're in a serious, committed relationship you have no responsibility to "be there" for a woman in the hopes that she's going to want to sleep with you or develop romantic feelings for you. I promise you she won't do neither.
Men who are good with women know when to "be there" and when to let the woman take care of her own problems. Most of you reading this right now don't know the difference. So don't do it. She won't see you as being a guy she'll want as a boyfriend. She'll see right through your agenda and realize that you're weak and desperate because you're inappropriately trying to do too much to earn her affections.
10. She is too beautiful to talk to me.
If you think she's out of your league, then you are absolutely correct, she is.....not because she is so special but because a man who thinks like that is obviously a product of misconceptions, desperation, failures, and insecurities. A man like that is not in any woman's league.
This mindset is an accumulation of many of the above myths resulting in a shell of a man walking around and always feeling he isn't good enough. The moment he sees a beautiful woman every misconception and myth he is carrying fires off at once like a perfectly timed explosion. The result? Crippling fear based on years of failure.
Women don't know this of course. They just see the end result: Leering. Starring. Serious faces. Rigid body posture. Maybe a "hi", then the exit.
If you think that a woman is too beautiful for you, then you have a lot of other areas that you need to improve on because there is no one solution for this myth. Beautiful women aren't out of your league, you most likely aren't even playing the game.
11. I need to tell a woman how I feel.
This is an easy one. If a woman hasn't shown any sexual attraction towards you and you feel that telling her exactly how you feel about her will change that....you will be dead wrong. Every time.
The woman already knows how you feel. She knew it from the day she met you. That's why she doesn't have any sexual feelings for you because the challenge was over before it began. Plus she could smell the insecurities you were exhibiting every time she was in your presence.
So you became "friends" and now she will always be referred to as, "there's this one girl..."
If you haven't watched the movie Inception then I highly recommend it because it does a great job in illustrating what happens when an idea is planted in our mind. The great majority of people never question why they believe something and they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. There is no greater example of this than when it comes to the false beliefs that the majority of men carry about how to attract women.
