Irony and Hypocrisy

One thing that unattractive men and unattractive women have in common is their complete and utter blindness to their own hypocrisies. 

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Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties

The bachelor and bachelorette party; a rite of passage.  Everyone does it, right?  Like smoking in the 60’s, bell bottoms in the 70’s, mullets in the 80’s, and jeans that hung down to your knees in the 90’s…..if everyone is doing it then it must be the right thing to do.

To celebrate the start of a marriage and life-long commitment by arranging a bachelor/bachelorette party is like going on a drinking binge before going into the 2nd trimester of a pregnancy because hey….this is the last time you’ll be able to drink for awhile.  Makes perfect sense to me.

Here is a story from a man who wrote into a message board asking for advice after his fiancé attended a bachelorette party:

My fiancée had a bachelorette party weekend with a bunch of girlfriends. They went to Florida to hang out on the beach. We have always talked about how we both hate the traditional expectations of these things - strippers, being decorated with plastic penises, dares, etc. I never told her what she should/shouldn't or could/couldn't do this weekend, but we both have always agreed that any kind of intimate contact with the opposite sex is cheating.

Anyway, I found out that her weekend was full of the kinds of games and dares we always said we didn't like. No big deal. But one of the dares was to make out with a guy. She did. They kissed, her sitting on his lap, for about 10 minutes.

I found out because she started telling me how they did have some of the "ritual stuff" but she didn't do anything like kiss someone. I was surprised they did all of the games and stuff because she had told her best friend/maid of honor she didn't want that, but I wasn't upset. She's not a good liar though, and I could tell she wasn't telling me everything. I must stress that she is usually very honest with me. More than anyone I’ve ever known.

Anyway, talking to a friend of hers, the truth inadvertently slipped. I confronted my fiancée who said it did happen and had just been too afraid and ashamed to tell me.

I am hurt, angry and I feel betrayed. I have been cheated on in the past and she knows how important issues of trust are. We are supposed to get married in one month and I am not sure what to do. Part of me wants to call to off. I'd like to say "it was a mistake" and let it go with the understanding this kind of mistake can't happen again. But I feel like my trust has been shattered. Any thoughts on this? 

Raise your hand if you’d like to be in this guy’s situation.  Anyone? Doesn’t that sound like a lovely conundrum to be in?  Of course in actuality this is an easy decision, you call off the wedding faster than she can say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen”.  But that is easier said than done when “she’s never given you any reason to doubt her"....sound familiar?

Notice that he said, “…she is usually very honest with me. More than anyone I’ve ever known”.  They even both agreed as to what is appropriate and what isn’t.  All good intentions?  Most definitely. But “good intentions” are only as worthy as your behaviors that support those good intentions. Otherwise you're exactly the same as those "immoral" people that you so quickly point fingers at and judge.

It would be easy to just chalk this up as her not being ready to be married or that she is just a slut with no morals.  And she may be all those things.  But I don’t think so.  I think more than likely she just got caught up in a haze of alcohol, bad girlfriends, and men giving her attention. She put herself in a position that is designed to attract and lure men so the result should be no surprise to anyone.


Bachelorette Parties

As a guy who has picked up a lot of women at clubs, bars, and lounges, I can tell you unequivocally that the first group of girls I will always hit first are bachelorette parties.  The easiest and fastest pickups I’ve had in my life are from bachelorette parties, whether they were single, in a relationship or married made no difference.  The reason being that women by nature are social creatures and are more prone to group dynamics.  

In other words, even if a woman has the best of intentions, if the group is participating in behaviors involving other men, she will still go along with it at least to some degree. I’ve seen firsthand how women simply “go with the flow” in situations like a bachelorette party.
 
And yes….they always tell me, “I never do this.”


Bachelor Parties

Here is the ugly truth about bachelor parties: Every guy in there is looking to either get laid or get a blow job.   Yes, ladies…even YOUR guy who “isn’t like that”.  If you’re about to get married and you’re alright with your fiancé going to a bachelor party then you’re naïve and foolish.  The ONLY reason a man will come back from a bachelor party without cheating on you is because he couldn’t or didn’t know how to make it happen, but rest assured the desire and intention was there.

When a man walks into a venue full of beautiful, half naked women designed to attract him physically and mentally, he checks his committment, morals, and love for you at the door.  This is 100% true across the board, regardless of whatever reasons you might want to give about how your man "isn't that shallow".

Here is why men attend bachelor parties, depending on their relationship status:

The Groom:  His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.

Married or in a Long Term Relationship:  His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.

Single: His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.

When a man gets into the car driving towards the venue, his intentions are already set and he is now only looking for opportunities that may be presented once he arrives. When a woman arrives at the venue, opportunities will inevitably be presented that may change her previously good intentions that she had in the car.

In either case you end up with the same destructive results for your relationship.


Last Night of Freedom

Besides the obvious pitfalls of the actual night of the parties, the attitude of this “tradition” is a horrible mentality to take prior to getting married.  What you’re saying is, “Once I’m married I can’t have fun anymore.  Once I’m officially committed then my life is going to be boring and mundane.”

If that is how people view marriage it’s no wonder that within the first 5 years both spouses gain weight, stop being considerate, no longer “date” each other, and become complacent. You’ve already put yourself in the mindset that marriage is a prison and that your single life was so much better.

Marriage should be a celebration of love, joy, and hope. The night before your wedding should not be “your last night of freedom”, it should be the evening before your life truly begins.  


Camaraderie

The most common reason (excuse) for having a bachelor/bachelorette party is that this is a time to celebrate with your friends.  I wholeheartedly agree with that; I think that there should be a celebration because this is a momentous event in your life.

But let’s be honest here, there are many different ways you can celebrate with your friends without doing the traditional bachelor/bachelorette activities.  In fact, almost any other way you choose to celebrate would not put your relationship in jeopardy like the way a traditional party would.

Instead of choosing one of the other ways to celebrate, many people decide to involve activites such as clubs, strippers, heavy drinking and dressing provocatively that is meant to put them in a position to hook up with the opposite sex.

There should absolutely be a celebration because this is such a happy moment in a couple’s life. But to arrange a party that is designed to tear apart the very relationship it is celebrating is completely
foolish and asinine.



In no other area of our life do we adopt this backwards attitude.  The night before the 1st day at an important, career-making job you get enough rest and make sure you're sharp. You don't go out and booze it up and get 3 hours of sleep. 

The night before a child moves from the 2nd grade to the 3rd grade, his parents may walk him through some 3rd grade level work so he is best prepared.  They don't give him Kindergarden work because "he will never get to do that type of work again". 

In all aspects of our life, before an important milestone we always try to go into it with the best possible preparation.  We never prepare by regressing.  Yet when it comes to marriage, the single most important decision of our life, we have a tradition that encourages....almost forces us....to regress to behaviors that presents the highest chance of destroying that union before it even begins.

How you begin something often times determine how successful you will be at it.  If you're making a life long committment then honor each other and your relationship.  Follow your integrity and respect for each other instead of blindly following the masses to participate in a corrupt tradition designed to tear apart your bond.


(This article is also posted on Yahoo Voices: http://voices.yahoo.com/bachelor-bachelorette-parties-10977868.html?cat=49)

THIS Will Not End Well.....

I laugh my ass off every time I look at this picture.

Cheating and Affairs

With the exception of having children, there isn't a single event that can permanently alter an otherwise healthy relationship than having an affair.  There have been volumes of articles and books written about the topic of cheating.  There have been countless studies done about why people cheat, why men cheat, why women cheat, etc. etc. etc.

Now I can regurgitate those topics and talk about who cheats more and who has more opportunity, but in the end those topics get us no where.  The fact is, if a man or a woman wants to cheat because they are sexually or emotionally unhappy or need constant reassurance, then there isn't anything that their partner can do about it.  

Instead, what I want to discuss today is something that is rarely talked about: Responsibility.  Next time when you read a relationship article on Cosmo, Redbook, GQ, MSN, or Yahoo, count how many times the word "responsibility" comes up.  We're very good at talking about our "rights" but we never talk about our responsibility when being in a committed relationship.

It isn't your partner's job to be vigilant in keeping you from having an affair...it's yours.   What a novel thought, eh?   Yes...it is YOUR responsibility in keeping yourself from situations where cheating becomes a higher risk than it has to be.  When people cheat, the most commonly heard phrase is, "I never meant for it to happen".  While that is no excuse, there is some validity to that statement because often times those people actually entered into a situation with no intentions to cheat.  But they played with fire and lost control to their emotions and sexual drives.

I'll quote a good friend of mine on this topic: "We always underestimate human nature and overestimate ourselves."


Building Blocks of Affairs

Cheating is a lot like dating; rarely do you jump right into sex.  You have to spend a bit of time together and form connections, especially for women.  The most common forms of date-like activities we do that are building blocks of affairs are:

1) Happy hour after work.
2) One on one lunches or dinners with the opposite sex.
3) Personal conversations that include topics about hobbies, sex, what you like or don't like in a relationship. 
4) Trading flirty emails or texts.
5) Going to parties without your partner.
6) Turning to a friend of the opposite sex when you have an argument with your partner.

This isn't about ignoring people, obviously every one of us interact with people of the opposite sex everyday through work and various social groups.  This is about not setting the stages and forming "friendships" that will lead to affairs when the right event or situation occurs.   In a separate post we'll address why men and women can't "just be friends".

To put it simply: Don't behave like a single person when you're in a relationship.


Events Where Affairs Can Happen

Often times the building blocks that are discussed above will culminate when people are thrown together in an event where they have a long length of time together.  These events can be:

1) Business trips with co-workers of the opposite sex
2) Company conferences or events that require you to be away for several days
3) Co-ed trips of any sort
4) Vacations without your partner

Events such as guys or girls night out at clubs or drinking heavily in any event should be obvious.  It you don't understand why that isn't conducive to a healthy relationship, then you're not relationship material and would be a bad investment of anyone's time.

If the first thing you think about when reading this is, "You just want people to be isolated!", then you are the very people who would have an affair and say, "I didn't mean for it to happen!", because you don't understand the concept of responsibility.  This isn't about isolating yourself, it's about behaving responsibly when you're in situations that cannot be avoided.  For example, you may have to work closely with someone that is attractive, but how you conduct yourself is what counts.


What About Trust?

Trust is a misused word.  Asking someone to trust you when you've put yourself in a high risk situation is the exact opposite of responsibility.  You are putting the burden on someone else to deal with your irresponsible behavior. 

Trust comes into play when you're in a situation that cannot be avoided but you've already proven that you do what you can to prevent situations that are avoidable.  When you ask your partner to trust you, he or she has to have evidence that you have their best interest at heart.  If you've shown that you consistently disregard their feelings and your relationship's well being, then what is there for them to trust you on?


Prevention and Responsibility

It all amounts to how much you love and value not only your partner, but how much you love and value the type of relationship you have. If you honestly feel that it’s something rare, then avoiding temptations shouldn't be difficult.

Every man and woman knows what is right and what is wrong in regards to being in a committed relationship. There are 2 simple questions that people practically never ask themselves.  I promise you that if you and your partner live by these 2 questions, your relationship will be a lot stronger and healthier for it:

1) “If my partner did what I’m thinking about doing, how would I feel?”

2) "If my partner was in this situation, what would I want him or her to do to let me know our relationship is safe?"


You don't decide NOT to cheat at 2am in the morning when you're starring at a hot blonde with her tits hanging out and her hand is on your leg.   You don't decide NOT to cheat when you're huddled in a corner of a dimly lit bar with a charming and interesting man.

You decide NOT to cheat the moment that happy hour invite comes in at 2pm in the afternoon.  You decide NOT to cheat when you turn down that invitation to go to a pool party because your partner can't be there.  You decide NOT to cheat when you tell your co-workers, "no thanks", when asked to go check out the nightlife when you're in Miami for a business trip and instead you go up to your room to call home.

THAT is called responsibility.

Why Women Are Attracted To Assholes

Out of the many mysteries of why women do what they do, this particular question is probably on top of the list: Why do women fall for assholes and jerks?

To break down this particular mystery, let’s define what we mean by “asshole”. When we use this term, it can mean any of the following:

• Guys who are rude and indifferent
• Guys who can’t stay faithful
• Guys who don’t really care
• Guys who lie
• Guys who won’t ever commit
• Guys who rarely do what women ask of them
• Guys who seem to be "dead beats" or "losers"
• Guys who treat women poorly

Every “nice guy” has known a beautiful, smart, funny, classy woman who has several “good guys” after her, yet she will give her heart and soul to the guy who treats her badly. It’s difficult for a guy to understand why women would go down this path.

However, if you break down women’s psyche and the world in which they live in, it is actually not difficult to understand why most normal, attractive, desirable women would fall hard for an “asshole”.

We’ll first break down what women truly need, then we’ll analyze how most men behave around beautiful women, then finally we’ll explain why women fall for men who seemingly treat them so poorly.


What Women Truly Need

Women are primarily emotional beings, as oppose to men who are visual and logical creatures. The single most important thing for a woman is that she FEELS for a man. This could be joy, love, hate, anger, etc. It doesn’t matter what she feels so long as she feels. They need to feel alive. The more successful and beautiful the woman, the more she will need and love “drama”. Look at the soap operas they watch and romance novels they read. It has little interest to men, but to women they can get completely lost in that world.

The worst thing to do to a woman is to not make her feel at all. In other words, BOREDOM will turn off a woman immediately. Women always need challenges. They love to seduce and chase. Without this element, they will quickly get bored of a man. They’ll always feel that something is missing, even if they can’t put their finger on it.


How Most Men React to Beautiful Women

What do most guys usually think when they see a beautiful, successful woman? Guys automatically assume that woman must need to be treated like a Queen or a Princess in order for her to even THINK about going out with a guy.

While women say they want a “nice guy”, if you look at the evidence and the results, that’s hardly ever the case. We all know tons of “nice guys” who are always single and alone.  We break this down in more detail for men here: "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last".  So in reality, if a woman is being put on a pedestal, she is not being challenged and will eventually be bored of the guys who are always willing to bend over backwards for her.

Women do not want a guy to be a doormat. They do not want a guy that she can walk all over. 

The Reality of a Woman’s World

The life of an attractive woman is vastly different than that of a man's. In a man’s world we must chase and risk rejection, even good looking guys must face rejection.  In a woman’s world she is constantly being chased. Any half way desirable woman knows she can get a man in bed if she wants.

Men everywhere will chase her. The problem is those men will too needy, too available, too weak, and too desperate. They will put her on a pedestal. They will profess their undying love after the 2nd date. They don’t make her feel anything. Sure she feels flattered, but once that wears off, she is seeking something else.


Why Assholes Are So Attractive

Unfortunately, in this age of feminizing men, women are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the amount of mentally and emotionally strong men they have to choose from.

This is where the “asshole” comes in. Yes, the asshole might have tons of qualities that seem negative, but at least he doesn’t give in to the woman. At least he makes her chase. He’s a challenge and he makes her FEEL. Her friends and family will tell her, “He’s not good enough for you”, “He’s an asshole”, or “You can do so much better than him.” However, the woman will continue to go back to him.

Her reasoning will include one or more of the following:

• You don’t understand him; he’s not always like that.
• We have something special that no one understands.
• I know he really loves me.
• I just love him and I don’t know why.
• He’s different, there’s something about him that I can’t put my finger on.
• He doesn’t mean to hurt me.

A woman will always talk about leaving the “asshole”, but she will always go back because there isn’t enough men in this world that can stand up to beautiful woman and not lay down like a doormat. She misses the drama. She’s drawn to it like a moth to a flame.


Healthy Challenge vs. Unhealthy Challenge

So what does this mean? Should all men just treat women poorly? Absolutely not. The idea is to be a man who has his own standards; a man with a backbone who will not bow down to women. A relationship should be about balance. So long as both parties are treating each other equally, then the relationship is healthy.

Most women that read this article will disagree initially because they don’t even understand it themselves. If women are truly honest with themselves, they’ll admit that most of the time they do things and they don’t understand why they’ve done it. Women are illogical because they are emotional creatures.

Beautiful women tend to go for assholes not because there’s something wrong with them. It’s due to the fact that they need challenges, it’s in their biology. The problem comes when the challenge takes on a life of its own and it consumes the woman and she loses complete control.

The only way out of that nasty cycle is when she realizes that she doesn’t truly love the man. It started off as a challenge that has gone badly and what beat her was her ego.  We discuss a woman's ego here in this post: "Women's Worst Enemy: Her Ego".  In her world, she can get any man she wants and yet here is this ONE guy who won’t do what she wants. She becomes obsess with the challenge and it transforms into feelings for a man, which for all intents and purposes, is completely destructive to her life.

Women must accept the fact that their attraction triggers are not based on intelligence or logic.  Only when they can be honest with themselves can they move onto healthy challenges and not gravitate to ones that are detrimental to their life.

Soulmates

“Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”
~ Richard Bach

"Soulmates" is a term that is thrown around quite often in movies and books.  Human beings have always had the innate drive to form "pair bonds" which, from an evolutionary and biological point of view, is simply aligning with the opposite sex that have the most value.  Value, of course, is different between males and females; those differences will be addressed in a different post.

Today with men and women roles often times reversed, women are having more difficulty with feeling attraction and finding love.  They find themselves in a sea of weird, insecure, needy men who live in a world that no longer raises boys to be men.  As a result both sexes are desperately seeking that one special person that seems more elusive than ever.

The idea of a soulmate is as old as time.  Plato wrote about its origins in 385-380 BCE:

One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:

Primeval man could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast …Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods ... Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained. At last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way. He said: 'Methinks I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.'

~ Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium, [1]


Even though I understand the underlining biological and psychological drivers behind why we feel a certain connection or chemistry for another person, I believe in the concept of soulmates.  I think if you don't, then you've never met anyone where upon meeting her for the first time you've felt as if you've known her all your life.  This person you know you are absolutely destined to meet.  Ask anyone who has met their soulmate and they will tell you they had those exact same feelings.

Maybe Plato was right all along; our greatest challenge in life as humans is to find our soulmate.  If you look at our day to day behaviors, most of our actions and subconscious thoughts center around finding that undeniable chemistry with another human being.  When you find your soulmate, you feel "whole"....as if you've finally come home.

A soulmate isn't one sided.  If only one person feels this way, then it's called "desperation" or "lack of options", not divine intervention.  But if you've found that person and she feels the same way about you then you owe it to each other to do everything you can to hold onto each other. 

Many articles have been written about what and how your soulmate should be, however, it is rare that people talk about what it takes to BE someone's soulmate. So in this post, instead of talking about the other person, I'm going to list out the qualities that each of us should strive to possess to have a chance of being someone else's Soulmate. 


These are the factors that I believe are the absolute basic necessities that all soulmates possess:

An Ability for Honest Self Assessement and Improvement: Everyone wants to be "special" in the eyes of someone. However, most people go about it wrong when they have all sorts of unattractive flaws in their personality that they haven't removed, yet they expect that someone somewhere will see them as special anyway. Notice that the people who find their soulmates are actually people who are generally attractive, both physically and emotionally,to the rest of the population.

Physically Attractive: This seems rather obvious, but physical attraction is a core component.  Notice that men or women don't ever say they found an overweight, sloppy, negative whiner to be their soulmate.  There is a reason why those who are considered to be "soulmate material" are almost always physically fit and attractive.

Easy Chemistry:  When you find your soulmate, you feel completely natural and at ease when you're together.  In fact, it feels very unnatural when you're apart.  There should be an easiness to your day to day life together.  If you find yourself having to force a lot of your relationship and having to struggle through each stage of your relationship, then chances are you aren't meant to be together.

Drama Free Life:  While this leans towards women more, sometimes men are guilty of this as well.  Anytime you bring unnecessary drama into your relationship, you will eventually kill it.  No relationship can survive constant drama.  This is why women who constantly seek attention, which in turns causes drama, have such a difficult time finding "someone special" despite their physical attractiveness and abundant options. (Why Women Fall for Assholes)

A Sense of Responsibility and Consideration:  In this "me first" and individualistic society, the word "responsibility" is a curse word.  Consideration is at an all time low. If you truly want to find your soulmate you have to be willing to be responsible for the other person.  This means that you are responsible for thinking about how your actions will affect him or her.  This seems simple on paper but it is very difficult for a lot of people today.  We don't stop and think, "How would I feel if the other person did what I'm about to do?"  To be a soulmate to someone, you have to be considerate about how your actions affect them. Soulmates put the other person's needs above their own.

Accepting Each Other's Flaws: Do not confuse accepting someone's flaws with accepting someone's laziness.  No one should accept issues in your life that you are responsible for correcting.  However, true soulmates accept you for the flaws that you cannot control.  Soulmates accept each other as they are.  They love each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses.

You Make Each Other Better: Your soul mate will make you a better person. This person will inspire you to be the best version of yourself than you ever thought possible and vice versa.

In the end, there is no roadmap to your soulmate.  There is an old adage that simply says, "You'll just know." This isn't something that can be explained unless you've felt it. It's like describing the color "red" to a blind person...you just can't.  But you can be damn sure that if you haven't put in work to improve yourself then even if you met someone who you think could your soulmate, they won't feel the same way about you.

Every man and woman is meant to have one true love in their lifetime.  I believe that we can get to a very good version of ourselves on our own but I don't think we can actually reach the pinnacle of our potential till we meet our soulmate.  Only when we meet the great love of our life is when we truly take off and achieve the best version of ourselves.

"To find The One, you have to be The One for someone else."

Balanced Relationship Model

*Prologue: I believe that there are some problems that both men and women face in love, sex, and romantic relationships that are unique to our current society and times. We'll breakdown and address those challenges in other posts on this blog. This particular post focuses on the ideal relationship model that holds true regardless of the times we live in.

An ideal, healthy relationship model is comprised of 3 major components; Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment.

First and foremost you need Passion. Women will often describe this as “chemistry” or “butterflies”. Men usually experience passion in the form of great sex and a “can’t get enough of her” feeling. In both cases they feel physically drawn to one another.  Nothing else matters except the next time you get to see this person. Both men and women have described this experience as a “drug” and for intents and purpose, passion is an addiction.

(Passion is a necessary fire to start a healthy relationship. This is the probably the main component that most relationships are missing today, but that will be addressed in a separate post.)

The next component you need is Intimacy. This is sometimes confused with feelings of passion. But intimacy is where you feel an emotional connection with someone; often times you feel as if you’ve known this person before or you’ve met in a different lifetime. Universally people have described it as, “I was meant to meet this person”. You feel completely comfortable and close almost immediately upon the first meeting. Time flies by when you’re talking to each other. You want to spend as much time together as possible.

The third component needed is Commitment. This is a sense of loyalty or duty to a single person. You know that you are there for each other through “sickness and in health”. Commitment allows you to be free to “be yourself” around this person, knowing that they are with you even when you don’t look your best and despite all your flaws. For women, the feeling of commitment is what allows them to feel secure enough to start a family and have children. Commitment is an unspoken trust that the person will be faithful to you.

Nearly all relationships will have all 3 of these major components in varying degrees. However, problems arise when these components are out of balanced.

High Passion, Low Intimacy, Low Commitment
If you have passion, but no intimacy or commitment, then that would be just a physical relationship such as a one night stand. Sometimes women who have affairs with married men will experience this type of relationship. Women may feel some level of intimacy but because passion is such a vital component for men, his desires and appreciation for the sexual satisfaction may come across as intimacy to women.


High Intimacy, Low Passion, Low Commitment
This is basically a very good friendship. MANY men across the world knows how this feels; it’s called the dreaded “friend zone”. They’re always the friend and never the boyfriend. Women will feel very close to these guys but they don’t feel any sexual or romantic attraction towards them.


High Commitment, Low Passion, Low Intimacy
This is very common among married couples during the last few years right before a divorce. They are roommates who may be great parents and good domestic partners, but the marriage is basically dead.  It’s an empty relationship. "Boredom" is the symptom most often described by women.  "Lack of good sex" and "lack of appreciation" is what is most often described by men.

Unfortunately this is probably the most common of relationships today among marriages. This is often called “settling”; we are brain washed to believe that commitment is the only component that counts and thousands of people take that advice only to end up miserable and unhappy within 5-7 years.  This is also one of the most common mistakes men make today as they offer a high level of commitment to a woman hoping to earn passion; this also leads to the dreaded "friend zone'.  We will dive into the specifics in separate posts.

Some relationships may have 2 out of the 3 components:

High Passion, High Intimacy, Low Commitment
This is the classic relationship model that defines most extramarital affairs. By far this is the most addictive and destructive of all the relationship types, but also the most satisfying and memorable.  Another term to describe this is the “Romeo and Juliet” syndrome. Obstacles such as distance, family objections, or any number of outside forces will make the passion and intimacy even more intense. Ending this type of relationship is often described as worst than actual physical pain.


High Commitment, High Passion, Low Intimacy
The least common among all the relationship models, this relationship type is when a couple stays together because they have a great sex life. They usually lead separate lives and do not share much other than a healthy sexual relationship and a commitment to stay together. They do genuinely care for one another and love each other but in a “close friend” type of way. With this type of relationship there are usually no children involved and/or the children are grown.


High Intimacy, High Commitment, Low Passion
This is mostly seen in very old couples who have been married for 40 or 50 years. They haven’t had sex in a many years but their love and commitment for one another is apparent for all to see.

While this brings many “Awww’s” from people, what is most often overlooked is that for the majority of their relationship, this couple had High Passion, High Intimacy, and High Commitment. While age and nature has eventually taken away the need for physical passion over time, it doesn’t mean that these couples would have made it this far without it.


Which brings us to the main point of this post: In order to have a healthy balanced relationship, a couple must have all 3 components. Yes, I understand that life challenges (jobs, children, sickness, etc) will affect each of these pillars in one way or another. That’s not what I’m talking about. What is vital is that these pieces are there in the beginning of your relationship and that both the man and the woman strive to keep a balance of all 3.

The crucial mistake that people make is to claim that one or more of these components aren’t necessary. Unfortunately we have volumes of books, magazines, and talk shows that try to tell us that and it send us all down a path to unhappy relationships.

The second equally crucial mistake that people make is to believe that one component can make up for the other two. For example, women often think that a guy who has high commitment value can make up for the lack of passion or intimacy. Ask any woman who has been in one of those types of relationships and ask her how it worked out.

These 3 components are the framework that all healthy, long lasting relationships are built upon. One isn’t more important than the other and one can never make up for the lack of the other two.