Soulmates

“Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”
~ Richard Bach

"Soulmates" is a term that is thrown around quite often in movies and books.  Human beings have always had the innate drive to form "pair bonds" which, from an evolutionary and biological point of view, is simply aligning with the opposite sex that have the most value.  Value, of course, is different between males and females; those differences will be addressed in a different post.

Today with men and women roles often times reversed, women are having more difficulty with feeling attraction and finding love.  They find themselves in a sea of weird, insecure, needy men who live in a world that no longer raises boys to be men.  As a result both sexes are desperately seeking that one special person that seems more elusive than ever.

The idea of a soulmate is as old as time.  Plato wrote about its origins in 385-380 BCE:

One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:

Primeval man could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast …Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods ... Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained. At last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way. He said: 'Methinks I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.'

~ Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium, [1]


Even though I understand the underlining biological and psychological drivers behind why we feel a certain connection or chemistry for another person, I believe in the concept of soulmates.  I think if you don't, then you've never met anyone where upon meeting her for the first time you've felt as if you've known her all your life.  This person you know you are absolutely destined to meet.  Ask anyone who has met their soulmate and they will tell you they had those exact same feelings.

Maybe Plato was right all along; our greatest challenge in life as humans is to find our soulmate.  If you look at our day to day behaviors, most of our actions and subconscious thoughts center around finding that undeniable chemistry with another human being.  When you find your soulmate, you feel "whole"....as if you've finally come home.

A soulmate isn't one sided.  If only one person feels this way, then it's called "desperation" or "lack of options", not divine intervention.  But if you've found that person and she feels the same way about you then you owe it to each other to do everything you can to hold onto each other. 

Many articles have been written about what and how your soulmate should be, however, it is rare that people talk about what it takes to BE someone's soulmate. So in this post, instead of talking about the other person, I'm going to list out the qualities that each of us should strive to possess to have a chance of being someone else's Soulmate. 


These are the factors that I believe are the absolute basic necessities that all soulmates possess:

An Ability for Honest Self Assessement and Improvement: Everyone wants to be "special" in the eyes of someone. However, most people go about it wrong when they have all sorts of unattractive flaws in their personality that they haven't removed, yet they expect that someone somewhere will see them as special anyway. Notice that the people who find their soulmates are actually people who are generally attractive, both physically and emotionally,to the rest of the population.

Physically Attractive: This seems rather obvious, but physical attraction is a core component.  Notice that men or women don't ever say they found an overweight, sloppy, negative whiner to be their soulmate.  There is a reason why those who are considered to be "soulmate material" are almost always physically fit and attractive.

Easy Chemistry:  When you find your soulmate, you feel completely natural and at ease when you're together.  In fact, it feels very unnatural when you're apart.  There should be an easiness to your day to day life together.  If you find yourself having to force a lot of your relationship and having to struggle through each stage of your relationship, then chances are you aren't meant to be together.

Drama Free Life:  While this leans towards women more, sometimes men are guilty of this as well.  Anytime you bring unnecessary drama into your relationship, you will eventually kill it.  No relationship can survive constant drama.  This is why women who constantly seek attention, which in turns causes drama, have such a difficult time finding "someone special" despite their physical attractiveness and abundant options. (Why Women Fall for Assholes)

A Sense of Responsibility and Consideration:  In this "me first" and individualistic society, the word "responsibility" is a curse word.  Consideration is at an all time low. If you truly want to find your soulmate you have to be willing to be responsible for the other person.  This means that you are responsible for thinking about how your actions will affect him or her.  This seems simple on paper but it is very difficult for a lot of people today.  We don't stop and think, "How would I feel if the other person did what I'm about to do?"  To be a soulmate to someone, you have to be considerate about how your actions affect them. Soulmates put the other person's needs above their own.

Accepting Each Other's Flaws: Do not confuse accepting someone's flaws with accepting someone's laziness.  No one should accept issues in your life that you are responsible for correcting.  However, true soulmates accept you for the flaws that you cannot control.  Soulmates accept each other as they are.  They love each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses.

You Make Each Other Better: Your soul mate will make you a better person. This person will inspire you to be the best version of yourself than you ever thought possible and vice versa.

In the end, there is no roadmap to your soulmate.  There is an old adage that simply says, "You'll just know." This isn't something that can be explained unless you've felt it. It's like describing the color "red" to a blind person...you just can't.  But you can be damn sure that if you haven't put in work to improve yourself then even if you met someone who you think could your soulmate, they won't feel the same way about you.

Every man and woman is meant to have one true love in their lifetime.  I believe that we can get to a very good version of ourselves on our own but I don't think we can actually reach the pinnacle of our potential till we meet our soulmate.  Only when we meet the great love of our life is when we truly take off and achieve the best version of ourselves.

"To find The One, you have to be The One for someone else."