Why I Do What I Do

Over the years a lot of people have asked me common questions:

1) Why do you do what you do?
2) Why are you so hard on guys?


It wasn't that long ago when boys learned how to be real men from their fathers, uncles, and older brothers. They grew up and in turn taught their sons (as well as be a good example for their daughters). 90% of men who come to dating coaches and forums for help is due to the fact that they didn't have a strong Father or father figure.  Same can be said for women who have problems with relationships; they never had a solid Father to serve as an example of who they should choose as a boyfriend or husband.

We now live in a society where boys don't have anyone to pass down the basic wisdom of life that used to be passed down from generation to generation.

I'm very fortunate to have a strong, dedicated, and wonderful Father who taught me integrity, hard work and how to be a good person. I had a mother who loved me unconditionally and supported me no matter what. Yet despite that foundation, I still at times fell victim to the male-bashing, feminist-driven culture I grew up under. So for boys who didn't have my foundation, it is certainly not hard to see why we have lost 3 generations of men.

I've always been taught that if you get to a position in life where you're fortunate enough to be able to help others that you do so. And you do so not for accolades or praise, but because it's part of a bigger karma. I'm paraphrasing this but my Father taught me that the person you help today may end up saving your life or the life of someone you love tomorrow.

I'm hard on some these guys because they've grown up in a world where they've been cuddled; so a gentle approach will rarely work, though at times that is necessary depending on the person or situation.  However, most of the time it doesn't shock them out of their comfort zones. For nearly all of them, meeting me is the first time they have heard the cold hard truth.

Children today are growing up in homes that are broken; mentally and emotionally destructive.  Some grow up fearful of everything, while others lash out and hurt others and/or themselves; all of them are stunted, entitled, narcissistic, and ill prepared for life.  The only solution is with men being strong leaders and Fathers again, who can teach the value of integrity, strength, and goodness.  It is truly our responsibility.

Starfish

“Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said,  "It made a difference for that one.” 

― Loren Eiseley

There's this girl...

Whenever I receive an email or read a forum post that begins with, "So I have this situation and there's this girl...", I don't bother reading the many paragraphs following that sentence.  Every guy thinks his situation is so very unique, when the reality is he is just like every other Weak Guy that has carried a ton of Myths around with him most of his life.

He is simply Desperate and all the little details that he thinks are important are actually completely useless.  Of course he will know every nice word she has ever said to him, how many minutes since the last text, exactly which Tuesday she said something that possibly could indicate that maybe she might be thinking of going out with him one day in the not-so-distant or distant future.

So this post is to answer all the questions that a guy would have in a situation of this nature.  They are as follows:

Answer #1: No.
Answer #2: Definitely No.
Answer #3: Hell No.

The chart below will help facilitate why this problem is so common today and it has nothing to do with the girl in question and everything to do with how the guy is simply chock full of Fears.

Click on chart below for a larger view:

Online Dating

One of the most common questions that men ask is, "Should I try online dating?"  Everyone knows a friend's cousin's sister's co-worker's niece who found true love on Match.com and therefore it must work!

Many moons ago when online dating first started and Match.com was the only game in town, I told men right away that online dating is a complete waste of time and energy. Same with speed dating in any form (which also gained popularity around that time) or any quirky dating events that is design to get people together. My reasoning back then in 1995 is the same reason I'll share today:

People (especially men) come to online dating as a final front tier...almost as a last resort. When boys and girls are growing up, they don't think, "Gosh, one day I hope my profile will match perfectly with another profile and our profile photos will lock eyes".

Online dating is for people who haven't had much success out in the real world....a "I guess I have nothing to lose" mentality. Now, generally speaking if someone doesn't have success in real life, there is something wrong with them. For women its most likely physical (hence why so many fake or old photos online) and/or a drama-filled life that chases men away. For men we've outlined the various reasons why here on this blog: Fear and Common Myths.

So men will resort to online dating because they somehow think women will fall in love with their personality. Of course what is really happening is they're avoiding working on being able to conversate with women, display attractive qualities, dress better, workout, overcome fear, understand how to lead and seduce, etc. etc. Now EVEN IF....EVEN IF....they can somehow hook a woman via email and go on a date or two....guess what happens when they meet in person? ALL that stuff that the guy hasn't work on will still kill it for him.

Same with women; they think if a man falls for her personality, that when they meet, maybe her being 50 lbs. overweight won't matter. Well you guys tell me....does it matter?  Of course it does, so why do you think a woman will overlook all the shortcomings that you haven't worked on just because she met you online?

So all online dating does is delay the inevitable; even if you could buy a little time, all the stuff that you haven't worked on, that forced you into online dating in the first place, will still come back to bite you when you meet in person. The best example I now use is that show on NBC called, "The Voice".

For those who have never watched the show, the concept is simple: 4 superstar coaches sits in a chair and it's turned away from the stage. The coaches don't see the artist but only hear their voice. If they like what they hear, they hit a button which turn their chairs and the artists gets selected. The idea is that looks don't matter...only your voice does.

But here is the problem - there comes a time when after the coaches narrows down their team, that America votes and then eventually a champion is crowned. The Voice has been on for 4 seasons now and nearly every one of the top 20 contestants in each season are all attractive. No one is fat, no one is dorky, everyone has a unique style.

The point is, all those other people who complained that they never got a shot because the music industry cares about their looks and not just their voice believed that the show The Voice is different. It's only different for a brief time...all it does is delay the inevitable. Once the buying public sees them, they won't get enough votes to stay on the show and they'll go back to obscurity, which supports the reason why record companies never gave them a shot to begin with because they knew these artists wouldn't have a big enough general appeal.

In dating...in business...in entertainment...in life - everything matters. And when you think you've found a short cut to avoid the pain of improving yourself, it's simply fool's gold and all you're doing is delaying the inevitable.

General rule of thumb: If you're successful at online dating, then most likely you won't need it. If you need it, then most likely you won't be successful at it.

The Metz Family: Why My Kids Are NOT the Center of My World

This is hands down one of the best posts and articles I have read....anywhere.  If more boys were raised by a mother like this and in a 2 parent household, you wouldn't need blogs like mine.


The Metz Family: Why My Kids Are NOT the Center of My World: Wait, what did she say?  Yeah, you read that right.  This blog post is a bit of a rant and it's a bit all over the place.  My kids ar...

The Age Excuse

It never fails to amaze me how many excuses men come up with to explain why they aren't successful at life, especially their dating life.  This will be the first in a series of posts discussing all the various and bullshit excuses lonely, bitter men conjure up in their mind.

The Age Excuse

The 49 year old man says he can't meet beautiful women because he's too old and younger women only want young, vibrant men. He wishes he was younger.

The 39 year man says he can't meet beautiful women because all the women he wants are married or has a boyfriend. He wishes he didn't have to work all the time in an office.

The 29 year old man says he can't meet beautiful women because women around his age want an older, more financially establish man. He wishes he was in college again so he could do it differently.

The 19 year old man says he can't meet beautiful women because all women in college are immature and only wants to party. He wishes he was older, working and making money so he can meet more mature women.

Meanwhile other men who are between the ages of 15-75 are meeting, dating, and having sex with women. But of course, THOSE men must just be "lucky".

Sharing vs Oversharing

I've seen and heard the same complaint hundreds of times; women sharing their horrible date stories because men cannot seem to keep their emotions in check and their mouth shut on the first couple of dates.  They think spilling their guts is being "honest" or "vulnerable". 

This is a terrific article on achieving that simple balance between Sharing vs Oversharing.

Why Men Aren't Attracted To You

My blog here focuses mainly on the ills that affect men.  While I have a few posts that attempt to help women understand why their relationships are suffering, there are certainly other authors and blogs that do a much better and thorough job.

For women it is rare when men are not sexually attracted to them. The only group of women who have a hard time with this are the ones who have let themselves go physically (ie: overweight and/or dresses like a PE teacher all the time). The more common challenge for women is finding the type of man that will want to commit to a relationship.  The next few links below will help you understand why you're having such a difficult time finding a happy and healthy relationship.

There is a site that is the opposite of mine in that it focuses mainly on women's challenges and once in a while touches upon men's issues.  The site is called, "The Rules Revisited".  The author, Andrew, presents many well written articles that are geared towards "de-brain washing" women that have been raised under attraction-killing, feminist dogma.  He clearly explains why you've continually sabatoged your own chances for passionate and fulfilling romantic relationships. His post titled, "Misconceptions", does a good job of listing the basic misconceptions that causes a lot of confusion for women today.

In a separate website this article, "Why Some Women Aren't Wife Material", briefly breaks down some of the main reasons why a man can be with a woman for many years and not ask her to marry him, but will turn around and ask his next girlfriend within a matter of months. 

As a woman today you're probably not used to hearing how you've gone about dating all wrong.  The women who I've witnessed have the most drama filled relationships or no relationships at all, are the first to yell "sexist" or "misogynist" whenever they read any advice that suggests they're not relationship material to most men.

So, if you're a woman who is dead set on being militant then you are welcome to continue being alone or unhappy.  However, if you're a woman who truly wants to be married to a great husband and build a life and family full of love and happiness, then the following 2 books are all you really need to understand what you've been doing wrong:

1. "Why You Aren't Married....Yet" by Tracy McMillan
2. "Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others" by John Molloy

Here is a reader testimony from the 2nd book.  I can't tell you how often I've heard this type of regret from women today. 

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A slap in the face and a wake up call

i wanted to read this book after it was made fun of recently at a magazine for feminists and women who generally agree that there are a lot of things to life than getting a man. being alone for so long and not being able to pinpoint exactly why, it picked my curiosity. i read it and i've lost track of how many times this book has made me cry. it was all right there how i sabotaged my own life against having a mate. now that it's easier for me to be kidnapped by terrorists than to find a man i realize (with the help of this book) all that i did wrong: the long years spent studying while my friends were out partying and getting boyfriends, the dead end jobs where there were no available men, the long hours working odd shifts, the occasional unavailable man (mr. right now), the "a little too-casual" appearance, waiting for the one that got away to come back (he never will), the many requirements that no man seemed to fulfill... i'm alone with no prospects of getting married and it's all my fault.
sister, i don't want to sound like if you don't have a man you're a loser but i'm telling you: my money and my graduate degree don't keep me warm on saturday nights. eventually your friends are married with kids and you find yourself making every night a blockbuster night with your cats. even my gynecologist told me to hurry up if i wanted to have babies. it's probably too late for me but save yourself. find balance in your life. if you want to get married in your thirties you have to start looking hard for prospects when you are in your late twenties because you'll be amazed when one day you open your eyes and realize that all men seem to have poof! dissapeared. i wish i had read this ten years ago. oh, all this coming from a "feminist"... somebody who was very proud of her "independence". a feminist that is very educated and very lonely...

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We Have Lost Our Way

Street side memorial for the 20 children of Sandy Hook Elementary

"Destroy the family, you destroy the country."
~ Vladimir Llyich Lenin, 1st Leader of the Soviet Union


We have lost our way.  The United States of America have been going down a terrible road for quite some time.  A great nation like ours hardly ever gets taken over from external forces; it almost always implodes from the inside. 

The mindless horrors from the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting is just the latest symptom of a much deeper problem our country is facing; we have created a nation that is eroding from the inside out.

America is a very young country.  We are the equivalent of an adolescent and like an adolescent, we think we know better than everyone else that have come before us.  But we do not.  We may be more advanced in technology, agriculture, and human rights, but we have lost our way when it comes to human nature.

We have lost our humanity as a nation.  This is why Eastern philosophy, such as Buddhism and the Yin/Yang concept, that are thousands of years old are now finally making their way into our field of psychology and therapy.  The solutions to the problems that we have created for ourselves have already been answered by much wiser nations thousands of years ago.

We are an adolescent that refused to listen; we thought we knew better and our children and citizens have paid the price.

1) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that appropriately spanking our children is "abuse" instead of discipline.

2) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that we need to be our children's "friend".  We stopped being parents.  We stopped guiding and teaching with wisdom and love.

3) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that we cannot let our children go through anything difficult; that we need to give them only praise.  As a result they grew to be adults who possessed no tools to deal with any adversity or hardships.

4) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that we should give our children anything they wanted.  As a result they grew up to be adults who feel they are entitled to happiness and success instead of working for it.

5) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that we needed to focus on materialism.  We thought that throwing toys, video games, mobile devices, clothes, and cars would make up for our lack of love, time, and devotion to our children.

6) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that we didn't need Fathers.

7) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that men were stupid, incapable, shallow, evil, rapists, and that all problems of the world were caused by them.  This is what boys of the last 30 years heard while growing up.  As a result they grew up to be fearful men, weak boyfriends, overwhelmed husbands, and absentee fathers.

8) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that being a loving and giving woman was negative.  We convinced ourselves that feminine traits were weak; that honoring your husband was a form of "oppression" and that a woman needed to be just like a man.  So women de-valued themselves sexually, behaved like men, and suppressed their natural, beautiful feminine qualities. As a result women moved from one unhealthy relationship to the next, often times dragging their children through instability and misery.

9) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves to celebrate single motherhood instead of teaching our young women how to avoid it.

10) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves that it's perfectly fine to have reality television and it's "stars" raise our children.  As a result we have a generation of young adults who are self-centered, disrespectful, drama-ridden, and unable to take responsibility for their own problems.

11) Somewhere along the way, we told ourselves that men and women shouldn't have roles. This created a nation of confused, frustrated, and resentful husbands and wives.  As a result we have very few healthy and strong marriages.  Once that core broke down, our ability to be good parents also collapsed.

12) Somewhere along the way family values became "old", "backwards", and "conservative" instead of simply "values". 

13) Somewhere along the way being "tolerant" meant only being tolerant of anything that is deviant.  As a result, if you wanted to hold true to family values that have been passed down through the centuries, you were labeled as "uneducated" or a "hateful".

14) Somewhere along the way we became so "open minded" that our brains collectively fell out.

15) Somewhere along the way we started to care more about the criminals' rights than the victims' rights.  As result the criminals were given media headlines and notoriety, which in turn created more copy cats because it is far better for them to die an evil monster than a loser nobody.

16) Somewhere along the way we told ourselves we needed to save everyone. That everyone, no matter how disturbed and how many times they broke the law, deserved endless chances. As a result thousands upon thousands of innocent people have lost their lives needlessly because criminals were allowed to continue to walk among good citizens.

17) Somewhere along the way we lost our common sense and allowed war machines to be easily accessible because we didn't want to "intrude on anyone's rights".

18) Somewhere along the way we become terrified of "offending" everyone and every group. As a result we became too paralyzed with fear to do what was right because it was too hard. 

America is the young, rich, spoiled adolescent that no one could discipline.  We are not "progressive".  We are not "enlightened". We are currently in the "dark ages".  We are a lost nation and we have done it to ourselves.

Changing our current environment starts with each of us individually. Are we paralyzed with fear? Do we simply go along with what is trendy and what is politically correct? Or do we have the courage to stand up for what is right...what has always been right...and live our life by a standard that is higher than what is acceptable today?

Do you have the emotional fortitude to withstand the criticisms? Do you have the mental strength to handle the ridicule? If you do not, then you will pass on those weaknesses to your children. 

Our only salvation is that we raise our children, not under the current modern day principles, but under the time tested values that have come before us.  We need to look back to the past if we have any hope of a promising future.