With the exception of having children, there isn't a single event that can permanently alter an otherwise healthy relationship than having an affair. There have been volumes of articles and books written about the topic of cheating. There have been countless studies done about why people cheat, why men cheat, why women cheat, etc. etc. etc.
Now I can regurgitate those topics and talk about who cheats more and who has more opportunity, but in the end those topics get us no where. The fact is, if a man or a woman wants to cheat because they are sexually or emotionally unhappy or need constant reassurance, then there isn't anything that their partner can do about it.
Instead, what I want to discuss today is something that is rarely talked about: Responsibility. Next time when you read a relationship article on Cosmo, Redbook, GQ, MSN, or Yahoo, count how many times the word "responsibility" comes up. We're very good at talking about our "rights" but we never talk about our responsibility when being in a committed relationship.
It isn't your partner's job to be vigilant in keeping you from having an affair...it's yours. What a novel thought, eh? Yes...it is YOUR responsibility in keeping yourself from situations where cheating becomes a higher risk than it has to be. When people cheat, the most commonly heard phrase is, "I never meant for it to happen". While that is no excuse, there is some validity to that statement because often times those people actually entered into a situation with no intentions to cheat. But they played with fire and lost control to their emotions and sexual drives.
I'll quote a good friend of mine on this topic: "We always underestimate human nature and overestimate ourselves."
Building Blocks of Affairs
Cheating is a lot like dating; rarely do you jump right into sex. You have to spend a bit of time together and form connections, especially for women. The most common forms of date-like activities we do that are building blocks of affairs are:
1) Happy hour after work.
2) One on one lunches or dinners with the opposite sex.
3) Personal conversations that include topics about hobbies, sex, what you like or don't like in a relationship.
4) Trading flirty emails or texts.
5) Going to parties without your partner.
6) Turning to a friend of the opposite sex when you have an argument with your partner.
This isn't about ignoring people, obviously every one of us interact with people of the opposite sex everyday through work and various social groups. This is about not setting the stages and forming "friendships" that will lead to affairs when the right event or situation occurs. In a separate post we'll address why men and women can't "just be friends".
To put it simply: Don't behave like a single person when you're in a relationship.
Events Where Affairs Can Happen
Often times the building blocks that are discussed above will culminate when people are thrown together in an event where they have a long length of time together. These events can be:
1) Business trips with co-workers of the opposite sex
2) Company conferences or events that require you to be away for several days
3) Co-ed trips of any sort
4) Vacations without your partner
Events such as guys or girls night out at clubs or drinking heavily in any event should be obvious. It you don't understand why that isn't conducive to a healthy relationship, then you're not relationship material and would be a bad investment of anyone's time.
If the first thing you think about when reading this is, "You just want people to be isolated!", then you are the very people who would have an affair and say, "I didn't mean for it to happen!", because you don't understand the concept of responsibility. This isn't about isolating yourself, it's about behaving responsibly when you're in situations that cannot be avoided. For example, you may have to work closely with someone that is attractive, but how you conduct yourself is what counts.
What About Trust?
Trust is a misused word. Asking someone to trust you when you've put yourself in a high risk situation is the exact opposite of responsibility. You are putting the burden on someone else to deal with your irresponsible behavior.
Trust comes into play when you're in a situation that cannot be avoided but you've already proven that you do what you can to prevent situations that are avoidable. When you ask your partner to trust you, he or she has to have evidence that you have their best interest at heart. If you've shown that you consistently disregard their feelings and your relationship's well being, then what is there for them to trust you on?
Prevention and Responsibility
It all amounts to how much you love and value not only your partner, but how much you love and value the type of relationship you have. If you honestly feel that it’s something rare, then avoiding temptations shouldn't be difficult.
Every man and woman knows what is right and what is wrong in regards to being in a committed relationship. There are 2 simple questions that people practically never ask themselves. I promise you that if you and your partner live by these 2 questions, your relationship will be a lot stronger and healthier for it:
1) “If my partner did what I’m thinking about doing, how would I feel?”
2) "If my partner was in this situation, what would I want him or her to do to let me know our relationship is safe?"
You don't decide NOT to cheat at 2am in the morning when you're starring at a hot blonde with her tits hanging out and her hand is on your leg. You don't decide NOT to cheat when you're huddled in a corner of a dimly lit bar with a charming and interesting man.
You decide NOT to cheat the moment that happy hour invite comes in at 2pm in the afternoon. You decide NOT to cheat when you turn down that invitation to go to a pool party because your partner can't be there. You decide NOT to cheat when you tell your co-workers, "no thanks", when asked to go check out the nightlife when you're in Miami for a business trip and instead you go up to your room to call home.
THAT is called responsibility.
Friday, July 16, 2010
The 4 Types Of Women That Will Date Nice Guys
The following is an excerpt from a letter written into an advice column. This is the type of letter that is far more common than most men think:
"I married for support and security. He married for love. ...
"Many times I wished for my freedom but I hung in there. ... As the years passed we grew apart but stayed together. I felt I owed him to try but I grew increasingly more depressed. Now, his drinking is getting worse. I feel guilty even thinking about leaving. He is a good person and I know he loves me, but I don't think I love him anymore."
The above scenario happens most often when a lifetime "nice guy" finally meets a woman that seemingly wants to be with him. Men who don't understand what actually attracts women physically, emotionally, and mentally will use money or financial security to try to gain those emotions and will fail each time. This post addresses this very real, very common issue.
The most common arguments I've heard when talking about why "nice guys" don't get beautiful, emotionally healthy women are:
1) When women get older, they'll appreciate a nice guy.
2) Women that don't know how to be with a nice guy must not love themselves.
3) These guys just aren't meeting the "right" women.
4) Only younger women go for jerks.
Of course none of it has any truth in reality whatsoever and those excuses have as much validity as saying the Earth is flat. The two previous posts, "Never Listen To What Women Say, Watch What They Do" and "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" explains in detail why women will never be sexually attracted to a guy who bends over backwards for her.
However, we cannot ignore the fact that "nice guys" do get girlfriends and often times they even get married. This post will outline the 4 scenarios that will make a woman want to pick, select, or settle with a nice, stable, and safe guy.
Scenario 1: Women Who Are Overweight and/or Unattractive
If a woman is overweight and/or unattractive, she'll be prone to settle for a nice guy because both parties are desperate.
Here is the big irony: Neither party is truly attracted to the other.
The nice guy isn't attracted to the fat and ugly woman; he still feels he deserves the cute, sweet, sexy woman that every other guy wants. However, he feels those women should look past his needy, pansy behavior and instead see him for what a great guy he is on the inside, yet he won't give the ugly woman the same benefit.
The fat unattractive woman isn't attracted to the wussy, nice guy; she still feels she deserves the challenging, charming, good looking guy that every other girl wants. However, she feels that those guys should look past her fat exterior and instead see her for how beautiful she is on the inside, yet she won't give the "nice guy" the same benefit.
Neither party is willing to make changes that will make them both be more attractive and have better choices, so they have to settle for each other. Sad and morbid, but still true.
Scenario 2: Women Coming Out of Abusive or Volatile Relationships
This is the most common scenario where an attractive woman settles for a "nice guy". ("Settle" being the key word here). At one time or another, beautiful, sexy women will almost always have had a volatile relationship with a really bad guy. He will either be mentally or physically abusive in some way, cheated on her, and treated her poorly. She will have given her all to him; physically, mentally, and emotionally in a way that a "nice guy" will never get to experience.
Once this relationship ends, she will want her next boyfriend to be the completely opposite of the jerk. She may pick that one "friend" that's been patiently chasing her for the last 5 years or some other nice guy that she meets. This is easy because beautiful women always have "nice guys" floating around waiting for her to "see the light".
She'll pick the nice guy because she doesn't have to work in the relationship; all she has to do is show up and he's happy. He'll never speak a cross word to her and will always place her on a pedestal. Once her ego is mended, she'll dump him and he won't understand why. Sometimes the woman even goes back to her ex-boyfriend who treated her so poorly.
The women who are lucky in this scenario dumps the nice guy and moves on. The women who are unlucky in this scenario will marry the nice guy, have children, and always feel that something is missing. Inevitably these relationships almost always end up in affairs and divorce while the guy is completely lost and confused.
With the "nice guys" in these scenarios, there are no "lucky ones". They either get dumped and don't know why or they get married, get slapped with a divorce they don't see coming, and get stripped financially.
In this scenario the man never knows when to walk away because he is so very desperate.
Scenario 3: Women Who Are Past Their Physical Prime
Women who come to the point where they know they can't compete physically anymore will often times pick a "nice guy" to settle down with. They know these guys have been desperately waiting and working towards finally having a woman see what a great guy he truly is. Women know that these guys will never leave them....and they would be correct.
Men in this scenario, much like in Scenario #2, will forever walk on eggshells and will have absolutely no control in the relationship. They will have to beg for sex, affection, love, and respect...which they will get very little of. They will have to placate to the woman's ever whim.
Scenario 4: Gold Diggers
Although the common imagery of a gold digger are those who hang around celebrities, rock stars, and athletes, there is another level of gold diggers that are less flashy. The typical image of a gold digger is correct, but these "high end" gold diggers are not as common as people imagine them to be. They're usually drop dead gorgeous, charming, sexy, intelligent, and carry themselves well. This is why they have the tools to make a run at men who generally can have any woman they want. Their goals are disgusting, but they hide that well with a good exterior.
Most women can't compete at that level, but they still can be gold diggers. For men who have a lot of experience, these "everyday gold diggers" are not hard to spot because they don't have the polish of their higher end counterparts. But lonely, desperate guys won't see them coming. These women will search for the "nice, safe" guys because they know these men are desperate and can be controlled. Most "nice guys" have good jobs and have spent their whole life preparing to be a good husband. They're custom made to be taken advantage of by gold diggers because they have so many weaknesses to leverage, plus they lack any experience in dating to discern that they're being manipulated.
In all 4 scenarios above, the "nice guys" are selected because they look good on paper not because the women actually feel any sexual attraction for them. To put it in a way that men will understand, it would be the equivalent of you selecting a fat and unattractive woman because you feel that you have to get married and you know she will cook, clean, and make a good housewife. It doesn't take a relationship expert to know that you wouldn't treat her the same way you would treat a woman who looks like Jessica Alba.
So if you're a young man reading this, you have to ask yourself, do any of the above scenarios sound good to you? If you subscribe to the feel-good statement that "one day you'll find someone who will love you for you", this is what your options will be. This is reality guys; you can see these scenarios clearly in your own world if you just open your eyes.
If you don't take the time to understand men/women dynamics and what women are truly attracted to, then you'll forever be working 110% for 1% of her affection, love, and respect.
"I married for support and security. He married for love. ...
"Many times I wished for my freedom but I hung in there. ... As the years passed we grew apart but stayed together. I felt I owed him to try but I grew increasingly more depressed. Now, his drinking is getting worse. I feel guilty even thinking about leaving. He is a good person and I know he loves me, but I don't think I love him anymore."
The above scenario happens most often when a lifetime "nice guy" finally meets a woman that seemingly wants to be with him. Men who don't understand what actually attracts women physically, emotionally, and mentally will use money or financial security to try to gain those emotions and will fail each time. This post addresses this very real, very common issue.
The most common arguments I've heard when talking about why "nice guys" don't get beautiful, emotionally healthy women are:
1) When women get older, they'll appreciate a nice guy.
2) Women that don't know how to be with a nice guy must not love themselves.
3) These guys just aren't meeting the "right" women.
4) Only younger women go for jerks.
Of course none of it has any truth in reality whatsoever and those excuses have as much validity as saying the Earth is flat. The two previous posts, "Never Listen To What Women Say, Watch What They Do" and "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" explains in detail why women will never be sexually attracted to a guy who bends over backwards for her.
However, we cannot ignore the fact that "nice guys" do get girlfriends and often times they even get married. This post will outline the 4 scenarios that will make a woman want to pick, select, or settle with a nice, stable, and safe guy.
Scenario 1: Women Who Are Overweight and/or Unattractive
If a woman is overweight and/or unattractive, she'll be prone to settle for a nice guy because both parties are desperate.
Here is the big irony: Neither party is truly attracted to the other.
The nice guy isn't attracted to the fat and ugly woman; he still feels he deserves the cute, sweet, sexy woman that every other guy wants. However, he feels those women should look past his needy, pansy behavior and instead see him for what a great guy he is on the inside, yet he won't give the ugly woman the same benefit.
The fat unattractive woman isn't attracted to the wussy, nice guy; she still feels she deserves the challenging, charming, good looking guy that every other girl wants. However, she feels that those guys should look past her fat exterior and instead see her for how beautiful she is on the inside, yet she won't give the "nice guy" the same benefit.
Neither party is willing to make changes that will make them both be more attractive and have better choices, so they have to settle for each other. Sad and morbid, but still true.
Scenario 2: Women Coming Out of Abusive or Volatile Relationships
This is the most common scenario where an attractive woman settles for a "nice guy". ("Settle" being the key word here). At one time or another, beautiful, sexy women will almost always have had a volatile relationship with a really bad guy. He will either be mentally or physically abusive in some way, cheated on her, and treated her poorly. She will have given her all to him; physically, mentally, and emotionally in a way that a "nice guy" will never get to experience.
Once this relationship ends, she will want her next boyfriend to be the completely opposite of the jerk. She may pick that one "friend" that's been patiently chasing her for the last 5 years or some other nice guy that she meets. This is easy because beautiful women always have "nice guys" floating around waiting for her to "see the light".
She'll pick the nice guy because she doesn't have to work in the relationship; all she has to do is show up and he's happy. He'll never speak a cross word to her and will always place her on a pedestal. Once her ego is mended, she'll dump him and he won't understand why. Sometimes the woman even goes back to her ex-boyfriend who treated her so poorly.
The women who are lucky in this scenario dumps the nice guy and moves on. The women who are unlucky in this scenario will marry the nice guy, have children, and always feel that something is missing. Inevitably these relationships almost always end up in affairs and divorce while the guy is completely lost and confused.
With the "nice guys" in these scenarios, there are no "lucky ones". They either get dumped and don't know why or they get married, get slapped with a divorce they don't see coming, and get stripped financially.
In this scenario the man never knows when to walk away because he is so very desperate.
Scenario 3: Women Who Are Past Their Physical Prime
Women who come to the point where they know they can't compete physically anymore will often times pick a "nice guy" to settle down with. They know these guys have been desperately waiting and working towards finally having a woman see what a great guy he truly is. Women know that these guys will never leave them....and they would be correct.
Men in this scenario, much like in Scenario #2, will forever walk on eggshells and will have absolutely no control in the relationship. They will have to beg for sex, affection, love, and respect...which they will get very little of. They will have to placate to the woman's ever whim.
Scenario 4: Gold Diggers
Although the common imagery of a gold digger are those who hang around celebrities, rock stars, and athletes, there is another level of gold diggers that are less flashy. The typical image of a gold digger is correct, but these "high end" gold diggers are not as common as people imagine them to be. They're usually drop dead gorgeous, charming, sexy, intelligent, and carry themselves well. This is why they have the tools to make a run at men who generally can have any woman they want. Their goals are disgusting, but they hide that well with a good exterior.
Most women can't compete at that level, but they still can be gold diggers. For men who have a lot of experience, these "everyday gold diggers" are not hard to spot because they don't have the polish of their higher end counterparts. But lonely, desperate guys won't see them coming. These women will search for the "nice, safe" guys because they know these men are desperate and can be controlled. Most "nice guys" have good jobs and have spent their whole life preparing to be a good husband. They're custom made to be taken advantage of by gold diggers because they have so many weaknesses to leverage, plus they lack any experience in dating to discern that they're being manipulated.
In all 4 scenarios above, the "nice guys" are selected because they look good on paper not because the women actually feel any sexual attraction for them. To put it in a way that men will understand, it would be the equivalent of you selecting a fat and unattractive woman because you feel that you have to get married and you know she will cook, clean, and make a good housewife. It doesn't take a relationship expert to know that you wouldn't treat her the same way you would treat a woman who looks like Jessica Alba.
So if you're a young man reading this, you have to ask yourself, do any of the above scenarios sound good to you? If you subscribe to the feel-good statement that "one day you'll find someone who will love you for you", this is what your options will be. This is reality guys; you can see these scenarios clearly in your own world if you just open your eyes.
If you don't take the time to understand men/women dynamics and what women are truly attracted to, then you'll forever be working 110% for 1% of her affection, love, and respect.
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