Staying Attractive In Long Term Relationships

"If you met her today, would she still date you?"

This blog focuses a lot on helping men be able to interact and date women in an attractive way. Eventually most men want to be in a relationship with the right woman, hopefully their Soulmate. They work on shedding their Nice Guy ways, they learn to understand that their Desperations are based on unrealistic Fears and they start to approach women, risk rejection, go on dates, and in doing so they will eventually get into a serious relationship. So one of the questions I get without fail is “Now that I’m in a relationship, how do I still stay challenging, interesting, and attractive?”

Here is some context to the question:

Men who are brain washed with the nice, pansy guy mentality have always put women on pedestals. They’ll fear talking to women, they won’t know what to say, and most of them are either lonely and/or always in the dreaded Friend Zone. Once they learn how to overhaul their entire mentality and become strong, dominant men they find that they have options with women that they never had before.

Unfortunately, due to their lack of experience with dating for most of their lives growing up, they didn’t have many opportunities to be in actual relationships. So they lack real life context in how a relationship is supposed to be. But through this improvement process, they do quickly learn that having other women in their lives, having a sense of mystery, having interesting hobbies, a cool lifestyle, being challenging, and maintaining a level of control over your emotions is highly attractive to women universally.

However, when you’re in a long term relationship, once you get to know the person, a lot of the mystery, intrigue and general surface-level attraction enigmas slowly disappear. This is normal and obviously cannot be avoided. So men ask the question, “Now that I’m in a relationship, how do I still stay challenging, interesting, and attractive?”

Men usually ask the question because they still do not understand the core concept of attraction when it comes to women. They only understand it from a surface level point of view. They still see being attractive as a “trick” or some sort of ploy. They still don’t understand that deep, core-level attraction and respect is about the type of man you are. Yes, all the things that you’ve learned that women are naturally attracted to are true, but emotionally healthy women don’t enter a serious relationship with you based on those surface attraction traits, they are in a relationship with you because they love you for the man that you are and continue to be.

Another very popular question I get that relates directly to this is, “When can I stop ‘playing the game’ now that I’m in a relationship?”  Some men ask this out of not understanding attraction (similar to the first question above) and others ask it out of laziness.

Let me ask you this...

When is it alright for your girlfriend or wife to gain 50lbs? (pregnancy not withstanding)

When would it be alright for her to be in sweats all the time and stop wearing sexy lingerie?

When would it be alright for her to stop dressing up for you and wearing make up for a night out on the town?

When would it be alright for her to stop being loving and supportive of you?

When can she stop doing all those things, be fat, and for you to still love her and want to build a life with her like the way you do now?

The answer is of course, "Never". There is never a time she can let herself go and stop being the woman you fell in love with because that is her responsibility. For her to do so would be disrespectful to you and her conveying that she has now taken you and your love for granted.  If she were to do some or all of those things above, your attraction for her and ultimately your love will definitely diminish.

So if it is never alright for a woman to let herself go physically or emotionally, which are the source of your attraction for her, then why would it be alright for you to let yourself go?

You will always need to stay attractive, even if its not in the same way that you do when you first started dating. Here are ways that you still maintain your attractiveness throughout your relationship:

1) If a woman stays physically attractive, she will ALWAYS have choices in men. Whether she exercises that or not is irrelevant but she knows the options are there. Obviously if you want to have a healthy relationship, picking up other women is not the way to go. But it doesn’t mean that you let your attractive traits become stagnant. It doesn’t mean that you don’t keep up your clothing style, your fitness, and your ability to be able to converse with women.  

A woman will always care about how people (especially other women) view their man, just like how you'll always care how her body looks.  It is your responsibility to still be attractive to women in general so that your woman will be proud to be with you.

2) It is your responsibility to stay interesting. Read and learn about new things. Pick one thing per year and try to learn and get good at it. Don’t be stagnant and do nothing but watch sports and play video games.

3) If you have a passion, get better at it. If you don’t, then definitely find one. When you’re in a long term relationship it is highly important that you have at least one passion that has nothing to do with women. Your woman cannot be the only center of your world. You have to have something else that you love that you are passionate about. If you don’t know it, then try different things in your community till you find it.

4) Don’t stop dating your wife or girlfriend. Go out and be social so that she still gets reminded from time to time why she is with you. Don’t be the wallflower guy who sits in the corner and taps away on his phone.

5) Treat your wife as you would a mistress.  If that sounds foreign to you, then I highly recommend reading "Kosher Sex" by Shmuley Boteach.

The most important question you have to ask yourself every 6 months is, “If she met me today, would she still want to date me?”

In other words, if you met your girlfriend or wife today, would you still have the attitude, lifestyle, and skill to interact with her in such a way that makes her want to go on a date with you? If the answer is no, then you’ve let yourself go and you’re doing your relationship a disservice. Being in a relationship does not mean you stop improving and evolving as a man.  Contrary to popular belief you're not "done". If you adopt this mentality, then not only do you not have to worry about your woman losing attraction for you, she’ll love you even more because every day you will solidify her decision in joining her life with yours.