Never Listen To What Women Say, Watch What They Do

What women SAY they are attracted to and what they are ACTUALLY attracted to are two completely different things.  The reality is, women do not understand their own attraction triggers.  When a woman says she wants a man that does certain things, she is already attracted to him because he has already shown he isn't a weak, desperate, and needy pansy.  If you listen to a woman and try to do those things to create attraction then you'll fail time and again.

If you're a guy who makes it a habit of asking women about what other women really want, then you will be constantly even more confused.

Never Listen To What Women Say....Always Watch What They Do.  Before you can really be the kind of man that most women will be attracted to, this is a concept that you have to absorb into every part of your being.  Never listen to what women say....always watch what they do.  Talk to any guy who has a lot of beautiful women in his life and he'll tell you this is true.

This phrase has saved me countless times.  I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten a woman I wouldn't have gotten if I had believed what she said she wanted (or didn't want) initially.  I cannot tell you how many women I would have lost had I listened to other's women's advice.

(Before we get to the heart of this post, let me just say that if you're a guy reading this and you're thinking, "So if a woman says to leave her alone, then I shouldn't listen to her, right?"....then I would suggest you turn yourself into the nearest police station because you need more help than what I can offer you in this blog.)

For the rest of the normal guys who are simply having trouble understanding why women say one thing but do another, read on.

There are 2 categories of women out there when it comes to this issue.

Category 1: The Well Meaning Woman.  A natural personality trait of a woman is that of a nurturer. We all know how girls react when they see a sick puppy or kitten. They naturally want to make the creature feel better. So if you ask a woman why you aren't having any success with dating, she will always tell you sweet and encouraging things. They see someone who is wounded and vulnerable and they will naturally say things to make you feel better.

Category 2: The Manipulative Woman.  This category of women consciously tells guys bad advice that will continue his brain washing. These women will tell guys things that will cause him to stay in his “wussified” state. This way the guy will buy her gifts, treat her like a princess, and she can walk all over him and he will not say a word. (Fortunately this only comprises of a small percentage of women).

So how do you tell the difference between these 2 categories of women when you are seeking advice?  The answer is, "It doesn't matter".  It doesn’t matter because both are giving bad advice. That is why you NEVER ask women for advice when it comes to dating. Ideally you go to a male friend who is successful with beautiful women and watch how he interacts with girls, ask him what he does and more importantly what he doesn't do. If that isn't an option, then I recommend the following resources because these dating coaches have developed excellent systems in "de-wussifying" men:

1) David DeAngelo is great for getting a basic foundation and understanding. His material and newsletter will really help you if you're struggling with these concepts. Go to his site and subscribe to his free newsletter: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/

2) "Models" written by Mark Manson is an insight book to read after you've read some of DeAngelo's material.  The book can be found here: http://postmasculine.com/models

These books are not magic bullets and they are not meant to be "How To's" because there is no such thing when it comes to women. What it shows you is that everything you've learned about attraction is wrong and more importantly....why it's wrong.


Now let's break down the most common poor advice that women give:

Poor Advice #1: Women want a nice, sweet, humble, honest, considerate guy who shares his feelings freely.

This is the first one because this is the worst one. One question should clear this up for you guys:  If this guy is supposedly so sought after, why are these nice, considerate guys almost always universally single and lonely? Notice that men who don't follow this advice always have much greater success with attractive women.

We discussed this topic in more detail here: "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" and here: "Why Women Fall for Assholes"


Poor Advice #2: One day you will find a girl that will love you for you...don’t ever change.

She is trying to tell you something to make you feel better, but she does not realize she is ultimately killing your future success with women.

Let’s say that you do not have any marketable skills and you kept being denied for jobs. While it might make you feel better if I said, “Don’t worry, one day someone will hire you, don’t ever change”, ultimately I’m not helping your career. An honest friend would tell you, “You have a lot of good qualities, but you really need to go back to college or learn a marketable skill, improve your resume, and improve your interviewing skills."   Now you tell me, which advice would help you increase your chances of getting a good job?


Poor Advice #3:  Just be yourself.

This is very similar to poor advice #2 above.  I honestly cannot think of another phrase more useless than these 3 little words.  I cannot wait till this utterly ridiculous phrase goes out of style.  The original intent to this advice is to encourage us not to be something we're not, but in this ultra-sensitive society it's become a mantra to not improve ourselves or to recognize our short comings. 

Look, here is the bottom line, we are all naturals at something.  Some people are naturally good at music, singing, math, drawing, or sports.  Some people have natural personality traits that are universally attractive to the opposite sex.  If you're one of those people, then yes, by all means you can "be yourself" and it'll be good enough.  But if you're truly one of those people, then you probably wouldn't be reading my blog and you certainly wouldn't be struggling. 

So if you're not happy with your dating success or the amount of women that are sexually attracted to you, then this phrase is a mental prison.  So no...don't just "be yourself" because your natural self isn't good enough obviously.  Instead, learn to be the BEST version of yourself.


Poor Advice #4: You are just not looking in the right places.

This one is so ridiculous it is actually quite funny.  Let me assure you there isn't a magical Starbucks somewhere that is full of women who gets wet for "nice guys".  The only time this statement is valid is if you NEVER step outside of your house.  There is no limit to where you can meet women.  You can meet women at lounges, libraries, bars, restaurants, school, work, volunteer services, gym, dance/cooking class...the list is endless. Guys who are alone are due to their inability to interact with women, it has nothing to do with where they live or the places they frequent. Their behavior is completely opposite of those which would be attractive to women, but it has nothing to do with “not looking in the right places.”

I'll give you an example, I had a friend who went away to college.  Over a year later he still didn't have a girlfriend or even dated more than once or twice. He certainly didn't have sex with anyone.  He gave a litany of excuses: All the girls are all materialistic or difficult, all the girls have bad attitudes, dating is tough in this particular college, there isn't anyone he wanted to date, etc.

In the following year, a second friend of ours also transferred to the same college.  Immediately he dated one attractive girl after another.  They went to the exact same campus, hung out at the same bars, and lived in the same neighborhood. 

Was my second friend better looking?  Richer? Played for the college basketball or football team?  Nope, none of the above.  Naturally they were quite similar in every aspect, in fact, my first friend was actually more athletic.  But my second friend understood all the concepts that I've wrote about in this blog whereas my first friend refused to accept reality.  He held onto a lot of the poor advice discussed here in this particular post and it cost him many, many years of frustration.


Poor Advice #5: Only girls with issues will fall for games, any real woman will want a nice guy.

How many "nice, sweet, sensitive" guys do you know that are dating beautiful, sexy, sweet women? Probably none.  Now how many "nice, decent guys" do you know who are with women who they have to cater to, walk on eggshells around, carry their purses, cut their food, wash their car, and do their grocery shopping?  Is that what we call a being with a "real woman"?  No thanks.

Learning real world dating skills will increase your chances of landing beautiful, fun, intelligent women with a great sense of humor. While it is true that some women have a lot of problems, understanding men/women dynamics will help you weed out those types of women out too. You don’t need to waste time on women who have issues if you have options.

This statement is generally peddled by fat, angry, bitter women. They like to think they are “real” and any other beautiful girl has “issues”.


Poor Advice #6: Only insecure boys play games, real men do not need to play games.

Make no mistake, this is a game. But this bad advice is really just an accumulation of all the bad advice discussed up top.  There is no distinction between  "real" men and "fake" men....there is only men who get it and men who don't.  Men who get it have sex and men who don't get it don't have sex.  It's not more complex than that.


Poor Advice #7: If I was single, I would date that a nice guy.

This is an easy one. Girls say this to sound good, nothing more. If a beautiful girl says this, she knows she is at zero risk. She does not have to step up to the plate and prove it. Often times, she gives this advice and goes back home to the guy that is anything but “nice”. You’ve been there haven't you? Nice guys have a lot of girls who are friends, but never a girlfriend. WHY? If this statement is true, then nice guys everywhere would have girlfriends and not girls who are simply friends.


Get used to observing what type of men women actually feel sexual and romantic feelings for.  Observe what kind of man that women actually feel "chemistry" for and you'll find very quickly that those men almost never fit anything that women say they want.

 

Why Women Are Attracted To Assholes

Out of the many mysteries of why women do what they do, this particular question is probably on top of the list: Why do women fall for assholes and jerks?

To break down this particular mystery, let’s define what we mean by “asshole”. When we use this term, it can mean any of the following:

• Guys who are rude and indifferent
• Guys who can’t stay faithful
• Guys who don’t really care
• Guys who lie
• Guys who won’t ever commit
• Guys who rarely do what women ask of them
• Guys who seem to be "dead beats" or "losers"
• Guys who treat women poorly

Every “nice guy” has known a beautiful, smart, funny, classy woman who has several “good guys” after her, yet she will give her heart and soul to the guy who treats her badly. It’s difficult for a guy to understand why women would go down this path.

However, if you break down women’s psyche and the world in which they live in, it is actually not difficult to understand why most normal, attractive, desirable women would fall hard for an “asshole”.

We’ll first break down what women truly need, then we’ll analyze how most men behave around beautiful women, then finally we’ll explain why women fall for men who seemingly treat them so poorly.


What Women Truly Need

Women are primarily emotional beings, as oppose to men who are visual and logical creatures. The single most important thing for a woman is that she FEELS for a man. This could be joy, love, hate, anger, etc. It doesn’t matter what she feels so long as she feels. They need to feel alive. The more successful and beautiful the woman, the more she will need and love “drama”. Look at the soap operas they watch and romance novels they read. It has little interest to men, but to women they can get completely lost in that world.

The worst thing to do to a woman is to not make her feel at all. In other words, BOREDOM will turn off a woman immediately. Women always need challenges. They love to seduce and chase. Without this element, they will quickly get bored of a man. They’ll always feel that something is missing, even if they can’t put their finger on it.


How Most Men React to Beautiful Women

What do most guys usually think when they see a beautiful, successful woman? Guys automatically assume that woman must need to be treated like a Queen or a Princess in order for her to even THINK about going out with a guy.

While women say they want a “nice guy”, if you look at the evidence and the results, that’s hardly ever the case. We all know tons of “nice guys” who are always single and alone.  We break this down in more detail for men here: "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last".  So in reality, if a woman is being put on a pedestal, she is not being challenged and will eventually be bored of the guys who are always willing to bend over backwards for her.

Women do not want a guy to be a doormat. They do not want a guy that she can walk all over. 

The Reality of a Woman’s World

The life of an attractive woman is vastly different than that of a man's. In a man’s world we must chase and risk rejection, even good looking guys must face rejection.  In a woman’s world she is constantly being chased. Any half way desirable woman knows she can get a man in bed if she wants.

Men everywhere will chase her. The problem is those men will too needy, too available, too weak, and too desperate. They will put her on a pedestal. They will profess their undying love after the 2nd date. They don’t make her feel anything. Sure she feels flattered, but once that wears off, she is seeking something else.


Why Assholes Are So Attractive

Unfortunately, in this age of feminizing men, women are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the amount of mentally and emotionally strong men they have to choose from.

This is where the “asshole” comes in. Yes, the asshole might have tons of qualities that seem negative, but at least he doesn’t give in to the woman. At least he makes her chase. He’s a challenge and he makes her FEEL. Her friends and family will tell her, “He’s not good enough for you”, “He’s an asshole”, or “You can do so much better than him.” However, the woman will continue to go back to him.

Her reasoning will include one or more of the following:

• You don’t understand him; he’s not always like that.
• We have something special that no one understands.
• I know he really loves me.
• I just love him and I don’t know why.
• He’s different, there’s something about him that I can’t put my finger on.
• He doesn’t mean to hurt me.

A woman will always talk about leaving the “asshole”, but she will always go back because there isn’t enough men in this world that can stand up to beautiful woman and not lay down like a doormat. She misses the drama. She’s drawn to it like a moth to a flame.


Healthy Challenge vs. Unhealthy Challenge

So what does this mean? Should all men just treat women poorly? Absolutely not. The idea is to be a man who has his own standards; a man with a backbone who will not bow down to women. A relationship should be about balance. So long as both parties are treating each other equally, then the relationship is healthy.

Most women that read this article will disagree initially because they don’t even understand it themselves. If women are truly honest with themselves, they’ll admit that most of the time they do things and they don’t understand why they’ve done it. Women are illogical because they are emotional creatures.

Beautiful women tend to go for assholes not because there’s something wrong with them. It’s due to the fact that they need challenges, it’s in their biology. The problem comes when the challenge takes on a life of its own and it consumes the woman and she loses complete control.

The only way out of that nasty cycle is when she realizes that she doesn’t truly love the man. It started off as a challenge that has gone badly and what beat her was her ego.  We discuss a woman's ego here in this post: "Women's Worst Enemy: Her Ego".  In her world, she can get any man she wants and yet here is this ONE guy who won’t do what she wants. She becomes obsess with the challenge and it transforms into feelings for a man, which for all intents and purposes, is completely destructive to her life.

Women must accept the fact that their attraction triggers are not based on intelligence or logic.  Only when they can be honest with themselves can they move onto healthy challenges and not gravitate to ones that are detrimental to their life.

Soulmates

“Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”
~ Richard Bach

"Soulmates" is a term that is thrown around quite often in movies and books.  Human beings have always had the innate drive to form "pair bonds" which, from an evolutionary and biological point of view, is simply aligning with the opposite sex that have the most value.  Value, of course, is different between males and females; those differences will be addressed in a different post.

Today with men and women roles often times reversed, women are having more difficulty with feeling attraction and finding love.  They find themselves in a sea of weird, insecure, needy men who live in a world that no longer raises boys to be men.  As a result both sexes are desperately seeking that one special person that seems more elusive than ever.

The idea of a soulmate is as old as time.  Plato wrote about its origins in 385-380 BCE:

One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:

Primeval man could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast …Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods ... Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained. At last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way. He said: 'Methinks I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.'

~ Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium, [1]


Even though I understand the underlining biological and psychological drivers behind why we feel a certain connection or chemistry for another person, I believe in the concept of soulmates.  I think if you don't, then you've never met anyone where upon meeting her for the first time you've felt as if you've known her all your life.  This person you know you are absolutely destined to meet.  Ask anyone who has met their soulmate and they will tell you they had those exact same feelings.

Maybe Plato was right all along; our greatest challenge in life as humans is to find our soulmate.  If you look at our day to day behaviors, most of our actions and subconscious thoughts center around finding that undeniable chemistry with another human being.  When you find your soulmate, you feel "whole"....as if you've finally come home.

A soulmate isn't one sided.  If only one person feels this way, then it's called "desperation" or "lack of options", not divine intervention.  But if you've found that person and she feels the same way about you then you owe it to each other to do everything you can to hold onto each other. 

Many articles have been written about what and how your soulmate should be, however, it is rare that people talk about what it takes to BE someone's soulmate. So in this post, instead of talking about the other person, I'm going to list out the qualities that each of us should strive to possess to have a chance of being someone else's Soulmate. 


These are the factors that I believe are the absolute basic necessities that all soulmates possess:

An Ability for Honest Self Assessement and Improvement: Everyone wants to be "special" in the eyes of someone. However, most people go about it wrong when they have all sorts of unattractive flaws in their personality that they haven't removed, yet they expect that someone somewhere will see them as special anyway. Notice that the people who find their soulmates are actually people who are generally attractive, both physically and emotionally,to the rest of the population.

Physically Attractive: This seems rather obvious, but physical attraction is a core component.  Notice that men or women don't ever say they found an overweight, sloppy, negative whiner to be their soulmate.  There is a reason why those who are considered to be "soulmate material" are almost always physically fit and attractive.

Easy Chemistry:  When you find your soulmate, you feel completely natural and at ease when you're together.  In fact, it feels very unnatural when you're apart.  There should be an easiness to your day to day life together.  If you find yourself having to force a lot of your relationship and having to struggle through each stage of your relationship, then chances are you aren't meant to be together.

Drama Free Life:  While this leans towards women more, sometimes men are guilty of this as well.  Anytime you bring unnecessary drama into your relationship, you will eventually kill it.  No relationship can survive constant drama.  This is why women who constantly seek attention, which in turns causes drama, have such a difficult time finding "someone special" despite their physical attractiveness and abundant options. (Why Women Fall for Assholes)

A Sense of Responsibility and Consideration:  In this "me first" and individualistic society, the word "responsibility" is a curse word.  Consideration is at an all time low. If you truly want to find your soulmate you have to be willing to be responsible for the other person.  This means that you are responsible for thinking about how your actions will affect him or her.  This seems simple on paper but it is very difficult for a lot of people today.  We don't stop and think, "How would I feel if the other person did what I'm about to do?"  To be a soulmate to someone, you have to be considerate about how your actions affect them. Soulmates put the other person's needs above their own.

Accepting Each Other's Flaws: Do not confuse accepting someone's flaws with accepting someone's laziness.  No one should accept issues in your life that you are responsible for correcting.  However, true soulmates accept you for the flaws that you cannot control.  Soulmates accept each other as they are.  They love each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses.

You Make Each Other Better: Your soul mate will make you a better person. This person will inspire you to be the best version of yourself than you ever thought possible and vice versa.

In the end, there is no roadmap to your soulmate.  There is an old adage that simply says, "You'll just know." This isn't something that can be explained unless you've felt it. It's like describing the color "red" to a blind person...you just can't.  But you can be damn sure that if you haven't put in work to improve yourself then even if you met someone who you think could your soulmate, they won't feel the same way about you.

Every man and woman is meant to have one true love in their lifetime.  I believe that we can get to a very good version of ourselves on our own but I don't think we can actually reach the pinnacle of our potential till we meet our soulmate.  Only when we meet the great love of our life is when we truly take off and achieve the best version of ourselves.

"To find The One, you have to be The One for someone else."