With the exception of having children, there isn't a single event that can permanently alter an otherwise healthy relationship than having an affair. There have been volumes of articles and books written about the topic of cheating. There have been countless studies done about why people cheat, why men cheat, why women cheat, etc. etc. etc.
Now I can regurgitate those topics and talk about who cheats more and who has more opportunity, but in the end those topics get us no where. The fact is, if a man or a woman wants to cheat because they are sexually or emotionally unhappy or need constant reassurance, then there isn't anything that their partner can do about it.
Instead, what I want to discuss today is something that is rarely talked about: Responsibility. Next time when you read a relationship article on Cosmo, Redbook, GQ, MSN, or Yahoo, count how many times the word "responsibility" comes up. We're very good at talking about our "rights" but we never talk about our responsibility when being in a committed relationship.
It isn't your partner's job to be vigilant in keeping you from having an affair...it's yours. What a novel thought, eh? Yes...it is YOUR responsibility in keeping yourself from situations where cheating becomes a higher risk than it has to be. When people cheat, the most commonly heard phrase is, "I never meant for it to happen". While that is no excuse, there is some validity to that statement because often times those people actually entered into a situation with no intentions to cheat. But they played with fire and lost control to their emotions and sexual drives.
I'll quote a good friend of mine on this topic: "We always underestimate human nature and overestimate ourselves."
Building Blocks of Affairs
Cheating is a lot like dating; rarely do you jump right into sex. You have to spend a bit of time together and form connections, especially for women. The most common forms of date-like activities we do that are building blocks of affairs are:
1) Happy hour after work.
2) One on one lunches or dinners with the opposite sex.
3) Personal conversations that include topics about hobbies, sex, what you like or don't like in a relationship.
4) Trading flirty emails or texts.
5) Going to parties without your partner.
6) Turning to a friend of the opposite sex when you have an argument with your partner.
This isn't about ignoring people, obviously every one of us interact with people of the opposite sex everyday through work and various social groups. This is about not setting the stages and forming "friendships" that will lead to affairs when the right event or situation occurs. In a separate post we'll address why men and women can't "just be friends".
To put it simply: Don't behave like a single person when you're in a relationship.
Events Where Affairs Can Happen
Often times the building blocks that are discussed above will culminate when people are thrown together in an event where they have a long length of time together. These events can be:
1) Business trips with co-workers of the opposite sex
2) Company conferences or events that require you to be away for several days
3) Co-ed trips of any sort
4) Vacations without your partner
Events such as guys or girls night out at clubs or drinking heavily in any event should be obvious. It you don't understand why that isn't conducive to a healthy relationship, then you're not relationship material and would be a bad investment of anyone's time.
If the first thing you think about when reading this is, "You just want people to be isolated!", then you are the very people who would have an affair and say, "I didn't mean for it to happen!", because you don't understand the concept of responsibility. This isn't about isolating yourself, it's about behaving responsibly when you're in situations that cannot be avoided. For example, you may have to work closely with someone that is attractive, but how you conduct yourself is what counts.
What About Trust?
Trust is a misused word. Asking someone to trust you when you've put yourself in a high risk situation is the exact opposite of responsibility. You are putting the burden on someone else to deal with your irresponsible behavior.
Trust comes into play when you're in a situation that cannot be avoided but you've already proven that you do what you can to prevent situations that are avoidable. When you ask your partner to trust you, he or she has to have evidence that you have their best interest at heart. If you've shown that you consistently disregard their feelings and your relationship's well being, then what is there for them to trust you on?
Prevention and Responsibility
It all amounts to how much you love and value not only your partner, but how much you love and value the type of relationship you have. If you honestly feel that it’s something rare, then avoiding temptations shouldn't be difficult.
Every man and woman knows what is right and what is wrong in regards to being in a committed relationship. There are 2 simple questions that people practically never ask themselves. I promise you that if you and your partner live by these 2 questions, your relationship will be a lot stronger and healthier for it:
1) “If my partner did what I’m thinking about doing, how would I feel?”
2) "If my partner was in this situation, what would I want him or her to do to let me know our relationship is safe?"
You don't decide NOT to cheat at 2am in the morning when you're starring at a hot blonde with her tits hanging out and her hand is on your leg. You don't decide NOT to cheat when you're huddled in a corner of a dimly lit bar with a charming and interesting man.
You decide NOT to cheat the moment that happy hour invite comes in at 2pm in the afternoon. You decide NOT to cheat when you turn down that invitation to go to a pool party because your partner can't be there. You decide NOT to cheat when you tell your co-workers, "no thanks", when asked to go check out the nightlife when you're in Miami for a business trip and instead you go up to your room to call home.
THAT is called responsibility.
Friday, July 16, 2010
The 4 Types Of Women That Will Date Nice Guys
The following is an excerpt from a letter written into an advice column. This is the type of letter that is far more common than most men think:
"I married for support and security. He married for love. ...
"Many times I wished for my freedom but I hung in there. ... As the years passed we grew apart but stayed together. I felt I owed him to try but I grew increasingly more depressed. Now, his drinking is getting worse. I feel guilty even thinking about leaving. He is a good person and I know he loves me, but I don't think I love him anymore."
The above scenario happens most often when a lifetime "nice guy" finally meets a woman that seemingly wants to be with him. Men who don't understand what actually attracts women physically, emotionally, and mentally will use money or financial security to try to gain those emotions and will fail each time. This post addresses this very real, very common issue.
The most common arguments I've heard when talking about why "nice guys" don't get beautiful, emotionally healthy women are:
1) When women get older, they'll appreciate a nice guy.
2) Women that don't know how to be with a nice guy must not love themselves.
3) These guys just aren't meeting the "right" women.
4) Only younger women go for jerks.
Of course none of it has any truth in reality whatsoever and those excuses have as much validity as saying the Earth is flat. The two previous posts, "Never Listen To What Women Say, Watch What They Do" and "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" explains in detail why women will never be sexually attracted to a guy who bends over backwards for her.
However, we cannot ignore the fact that "nice guys" do get girlfriends and often times they even get married. This post will outline the 4 scenarios that will make a woman want to pick, select, or settle with a nice, stable, and safe guy.
Scenario 1: Women Who Are Overweight and/or Unattractive
If a woman is overweight and/or unattractive, she'll be prone to settle for a nice guy because both parties are desperate.
Here is the big irony: Neither party is truly attracted to the other.
The nice guy isn't attracted to the fat and ugly woman; he still feels he deserves the cute, sweet, sexy woman that every other guy wants. However, he feels those women should look past his needy, pansy behavior and instead see him for what a great guy he is on the inside, yet he won't give the ugly woman the same benefit.
The fat unattractive woman isn't attracted to the wussy, nice guy; she still feels she deserves the challenging, charming, good looking guy that every other girl wants. However, she feels that those guys should look past her fat exterior and instead see her for how beautiful she is on the inside, yet she won't give the "nice guy" the same benefit.
Neither party is willing to make changes that will make them both be more attractive and have better choices, so they have to settle for each other. Sad and morbid, but still true.
Scenario 2: Women Coming Out of Abusive or Volatile Relationships
This is the most common scenario where an attractive woman settles for a "nice guy". ("Settle" being the key word here). At one time or another, beautiful, sexy women will almost always have had a volatile relationship with a really bad guy. He will either be mentally or physically abusive in some way, cheated on her, and treated her poorly. She will have given her all to him; physically, mentally, and emotionally in a way that a "nice guy" will never get to experience.
Once this relationship ends, she will want her next boyfriend to be the completely opposite of the jerk. She may pick that one "friend" that's been patiently chasing her for the last 5 years or some other nice guy that she meets. This is easy because beautiful women always have "nice guys" floating around waiting for her to "see the light".
She'll pick the nice guy because she doesn't have to work in the relationship; all she has to do is show up and he's happy. He'll never speak a cross word to her and will always place her on a pedestal. Once her ego is mended, she'll dump him and he won't understand why. Sometimes the woman even goes back to her ex-boyfriend who treated her so poorly.
The women who are lucky in this scenario dumps the nice guy and moves on. The women who are unlucky in this scenario will marry the nice guy, have children, and always feel that something is missing. Inevitably these relationships almost always end up in affairs and divorce while the guy is completely lost and confused.
With the "nice guys" in these scenarios, there are no "lucky ones". They either get dumped and don't know why or they get married, get slapped with a divorce they don't see coming, and get stripped financially.
In this scenario the man never knows when to walk away because he is so very desperate.
Scenario 3: Women Who Are Past Their Physical Prime
Women who come to the point where they know they can't compete physically anymore will often times pick a "nice guy" to settle down with. They know these guys have been desperately waiting and working towards finally having a woman see what a great guy he truly is. Women know that these guys will never leave them....and they would be correct.
Men in this scenario, much like in Scenario #2, will forever walk on eggshells and will have absolutely no control in the relationship. They will have to beg for sex, affection, love, and respect...which they will get very little of. They will have to placate to the woman's ever whim.
Scenario 4: Gold Diggers
Although the common imagery of a gold digger are those who hang around celebrities, rock stars, and athletes, there is another level of gold diggers that are less flashy. The typical image of a gold digger is correct, but these "high end" gold diggers are not as common as people imagine them to be. They're usually drop dead gorgeous, charming, sexy, intelligent, and carry themselves well. This is why they have the tools to make a run at men who generally can have any woman they want. Their goals are disgusting, but they hide that well with a good exterior.
Most women can't compete at that level, but they still can be gold diggers. For men who have a lot of experience, these "everyday gold diggers" are not hard to spot because they don't have the polish of their higher end counterparts. But lonely, desperate guys won't see them coming. These women will search for the "nice, safe" guys because they know these men are desperate and can be controlled. Most "nice guys" have good jobs and have spent their whole life preparing to be a good husband. They're custom made to be taken advantage of by gold diggers because they have so many weaknesses to leverage, plus they lack any experience in dating to discern that they're being manipulated.
In all 4 scenarios above, the "nice guys" are selected because they look good on paper not because the women actually feel any sexual attraction for them. To put it in a way that men will understand, it would be the equivalent of you selecting a fat and unattractive woman because you feel that you have to get married and you know she will cook, clean, and make a good housewife. It doesn't take a relationship expert to know that you wouldn't treat her the same way you would treat a woman who looks like Jessica Alba.
So if you're a young man reading this, you have to ask yourself, do any of the above scenarios sound good to you? If you subscribe to the feel-good statement that "one day you'll find someone who will love you for you", this is what your options will be. This is reality guys; you can see these scenarios clearly in your own world if you just open your eyes.
If you don't take the time to understand men/women dynamics and what women are truly attracted to, then you'll forever be working 110% for 1% of her affection, love, and respect.
"I married for support and security. He married for love. ...
"Many times I wished for my freedom but I hung in there. ... As the years passed we grew apart but stayed together. I felt I owed him to try but I grew increasingly more depressed. Now, his drinking is getting worse. I feel guilty even thinking about leaving. He is a good person and I know he loves me, but I don't think I love him anymore."
The above scenario happens most often when a lifetime "nice guy" finally meets a woman that seemingly wants to be with him. Men who don't understand what actually attracts women physically, emotionally, and mentally will use money or financial security to try to gain those emotions and will fail each time. This post addresses this very real, very common issue.
The most common arguments I've heard when talking about why "nice guys" don't get beautiful, emotionally healthy women are:
1) When women get older, they'll appreciate a nice guy.
2) Women that don't know how to be with a nice guy must not love themselves.
3) These guys just aren't meeting the "right" women.
4) Only younger women go for jerks.
Of course none of it has any truth in reality whatsoever and those excuses have as much validity as saying the Earth is flat. The two previous posts, "Never Listen To What Women Say, Watch What They Do" and "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" explains in detail why women will never be sexually attracted to a guy who bends over backwards for her.
However, we cannot ignore the fact that "nice guys" do get girlfriends and often times they even get married. This post will outline the 4 scenarios that will make a woman want to pick, select, or settle with a nice, stable, and safe guy.
Scenario 1: Women Who Are Overweight and/or Unattractive
If a woman is overweight and/or unattractive, she'll be prone to settle for a nice guy because both parties are desperate.
Here is the big irony: Neither party is truly attracted to the other.
The nice guy isn't attracted to the fat and ugly woman; he still feels he deserves the cute, sweet, sexy woman that every other guy wants. However, he feels those women should look past his needy, pansy behavior and instead see him for what a great guy he is on the inside, yet he won't give the ugly woman the same benefit.
The fat unattractive woman isn't attracted to the wussy, nice guy; she still feels she deserves the challenging, charming, good looking guy that every other girl wants. However, she feels that those guys should look past her fat exterior and instead see her for how beautiful she is on the inside, yet she won't give the "nice guy" the same benefit.
Neither party is willing to make changes that will make them both be more attractive and have better choices, so they have to settle for each other. Sad and morbid, but still true.
Scenario 2: Women Coming Out of Abusive or Volatile Relationships
This is the most common scenario where an attractive woman settles for a "nice guy". ("Settle" being the key word here). At one time or another, beautiful, sexy women will almost always have had a volatile relationship with a really bad guy. He will either be mentally or physically abusive in some way, cheated on her, and treated her poorly. She will have given her all to him; physically, mentally, and emotionally in a way that a "nice guy" will never get to experience.
Once this relationship ends, she will want her next boyfriend to be the completely opposite of the jerk. She may pick that one "friend" that's been patiently chasing her for the last 5 years or some other nice guy that she meets. This is easy because beautiful women always have "nice guys" floating around waiting for her to "see the light".
She'll pick the nice guy because she doesn't have to work in the relationship; all she has to do is show up and he's happy. He'll never speak a cross word to her and will always place her on a pedestal. Once her ego is mended, she'll dump him and he won't understand why. Sometimes the woman even goes back to her ex-boyfriend who treated her so poorly.
The women who are lucky in this scenario dumps the nice guy and moves on. The women who are unlucky in this scenario will marry the nice guy, have children, and always feel that something is missing. Inevitably these relationships almost always end up in affairs and divorce while the guy is completely lost and confused.
With the "nice guys" in these scenarios, there are no "lucky ones". They either get dumped and don't know why or they get married, get slapped with a divorce they don't see coming, and get stripped financially.
In this scenario the man never knows when to walk away because he is so very desperate.
Scenario 3: Women Who Are Past Their Physical Prime
Women who come to the point where they know they can't compete physically anymore will often times pick a "nice guy" to settle down with. They know these guys have been desperately waiting and working towards finally having a woman see what a great guy he truly is. Women know that these guys will never leave them....and they would be correct.
Men in this scenario, much like in Scenario #2, will forever walk on eggshells and will have absolutely no control in the relationship. They will have to beg for sex, affection, love, and respect...which they will get very little of. They will have to placate to the woman's ever whim.
Scenario 4: Gold Diggers
Although the common imagery of a gold digger are those who hang around celebrities, rock stars, and athletes, there is another level of gold diggers that are less flashy. The typical image of a gold digger is correct, but these "high end" gold diggers are not as common as people imagine them to be. They're usually drop dead gorgeous, charming, sexy, intelligent, and carry themselves well. This is why they have the tools to make a run at men who generally can have any woman they want. Their goals are disgusting, but they hide that well with a good exterior.
Most women can't compete at that level, but they still can be gold diggers. For men who have a lot of experience, these "everyday gold diggers" are not hard to spot because they don't have the polish of their higher end counterparts. But lonely, desperate guys won't see them coming. These women will search for the "nice, safe" guys because they know these men are desperate and can be controlled. Most "nice guys" have good jobs and have spent their whole life preparing to be a good husband. They're custom made to be taken advantage of by gold diggers because they have so many weaknesses to leverage, plus they lack any experience in dating to discern that they're being manipulated.
In all 4 scenarios above, the "nice guys" are selected because they look good on paper not because the women actually feel any sexual attraction for them. To put it in a way that men will understand, it would be the equivalent of you selecting a fat and unattractive woman because you feel that you have to get married and you know she will cook, clean, and make a good housewife. It doesn't take a relationship expert to know that you wouldn't treat her the same way you would treat a woman who looks like Jessica Alba.
So if you're a young man reading this, you have to ask yourself, do any of the above scenarios sound good to you? If you subscribe to the feel-good statement that "one day you'll find someone who will love you for you", this is what your options will be. This is reality guys; you can see these scenarios clearly in your own world if you just open your eyes.
If you don't take the time to understand men/women dynamics and what women are truly attracted to, then you'll forever be working 110% for 1% of her affection, love, and respect.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Never Listen To What Women Say, Watch What They Do
What women SAY they are attracted to and what they are ACTUALLY attracted to are two completely different things. The reality is, women do not understand their own attraction triggers. When a woman says she wants a man that does certain things, she is already attracted to him because he has already shown he isn't a weak, desperate, and needy pansy. If you listen to a woman and try to do those things to create attraction then you'll fail time and again.
If you're a guy who makes it a habit of asking women about what other women really want, then you will be constantly even more confused.
Never Listen To What Women Say....Always Watch What They Do. Before you can really be the kind of man that most women will be attracted to, this is a concept that you have to absorb into every part of your being. Never listen to what women say....always watch what they do. Talk to any guy who has a lot of beautiful women in his life and he'll tell you this is true.
This phrase has saved me countless times. I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten a woman I wouldn't have gotten if I had believed what she said she wanted (or didn't want) initially. I cannot tell you how many women I would have lost had I listened to other's women's advice.
(Before we get to the heart of this post, let me just say that if you're a guy reading this and you're thinking, "So if a woman says to leave her alone, then I shouldn't listen to her, right?"....then I would suggest you turn yourself into the nearest police station because you need more help than what I can offer you in this blog.)
For the rest of the normal guys who are simply having trouble understanding why women say one thing but do another, read on.
There are 2 categories of women out there when it comes to this issue.
Category 1: The Well Meaning Woman. A natural personality trait of a woman is that of a nurturer. We all know how girls react when they see a sick puppy or kitten. They naturally want to make the creature feel better. So if you ask a woman why you aren't having any success with dating, she will always tell you sweet and encouraging things. They see someone who is wounded and vulnerable and they will naturally say things to make you feel better.
Category 2: The Manipulative Woman. This category of women consciously tells guys bad advice that will continue his brain washing. These women will tell guys things that will cause him to stay in his “wussified” state. This way the guy will buy her gifts, treat her like a princess, and she can walk all over him and he will not say a word. (Fortunately this only comprises of a small percentage of women).
So how do you tell the difference between these 2 categories of women when you are seeking advice? The answer is, "It doesn't matter". It doesn’t matter because both are giving bad advice. That is why you NEVER ask women for advice when it comes to dating. Ideally you go to a male friend who is successful with beautiful women and watch how he interacts with girls, ask him what he does and more importantly what he doesn't do. If that isn't an option, then I recommend the following resources because these dating coaches have developed excellent systems in "de-wussifying" men:
1) David DeAngelo is great for getting a basic foundation and understanding. His material and newsletter will really help you if you're struggling with these concepts. Go to his site and subscribe to his free newsletter: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/
2)
"Models" written by Mark Manson is an insight book to read after you've read some of DeAngelo's material. The book can be found here: http://postmasculine.com/models
These books are not magic bullets and they are not meant to be "How To's" because there is no such thing when it comes to women. What it shows you is that everything you've learned about attraction is wrong and more importantly....why it's wrong.
Now let's break down the most common poor advice that women give:
Poor Advice #1: Women want a nice, sweet, humble, honest, considerate guy who shares his feelings freely.
This is the first one because this is the worst one. One question should clear this up for you guys: If this guy is supposedly so sought after, why are these nice, considerate guys almost always universally single and lonely? Notice that men who don't follow this advice always have much greater success with attractive women.
We discussed this topic in more detail here: "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" and here: "Why Women Fall for Assholes"
Poor Advice #2: One day you will find a girl that will love you for you...don’t ever change.
She is trying to tell you something to make you feel better, but she does not realize she is ultimately killing your future success with women.
Let’s say that you do not have any marketable skills and you kept being denied for jobs. While it might make you feel better if I said, “Don’t worry, one day someone will hire you, don’t ever change”, ultimately I’m not helping your career. An honest friend would tell you, “You have a lot of good qualities, but you really need to go back to college or learn a marketable skill, improve your resume, and improve your interviewing skills." Now you tell me, which advice would help you increase your chances of getting a good job?
Poor Advice #3: Just be yourself.
This is very similar to poor advice #2 above. I honestly cannot think of another phrase more useless than these 3 little words. I cannot wait till this utterly ridiculous phrase goes out of style. The original intent to this advice is to encourage us not to be something we're not, but in this ultra-sensitive society it's become a mantra to not improve ourselves or to recognize our short comings.
Look, here is the bottom line, we are all naturals at something. Some people are naturally good at music, singing, math, drawing, or sports. Some people have natural personality traits that are universally attractive to the opposite sex. If you're one of those people, then yes, by all means you can "be yourself" and it'll be good enough. But if you're truly one of those people, then you probably wouldn't be reading my blog and you certainly wouldn't be struggling.
So if you're not happy with your dating success or the amount of women that are sexually attracted to you, then this phrase is a mental prison. So no...don't just "be yourself" because your natural self isn't good enough obviously. Instead, learn to be the BEST version of yourself.
Poor Advice #4: You are just not looking in the right places.
This one is so ridiculous it is actually quite funny. Let me assure you there isn't a magical Starbucks somewhere that is full of women who gets wet for "nice guys". The only time this statement is valid is if you NEVER step outside of your house. There is no limit to where you can meet women. You can meet women at lounges, libraries, bars, restaurants, school, work, volunteer services, gym, dance/cooking class...the list is endless. Guys who are alone are due to their inability to interact with women, it has nothing to do with where they live or the places they frequent. Their behavior is completely opposite of those which would be attractive to women, but it has nothing to do with “not looking in the right places.”
I'll give you an example, I had a friend who went away to college. Over a year later he still didn't have a girlfriend or even dated more than once or twice. He certainly didn't have sex with anyone. He gave a litany of excuses: All the girls are all materialistic or difficult, all the girls have bad attitudes, dating is tough in this particular college, there isn't anyone he wanted to date, etc.
In the following year, a second friend of ours also transferred to the same college. Immediately he dated one attractive girl after another. They went to the exact same campus, hung out at the same bars, and lived in the same neighborhood.
Was my second friend better looking? Richer? Played for the college basketball or football team? Nope, none of the above. Naturally they were quite similar in every aspect, in fact, my first friend was actually more athletic. But my second friend understood all the concepts that I've wrote about in this blog whereas my first friend refused to accept reality. He held onto a lot of the poor advice discussed here in this particular post and it cost him many, many years of frustration.
Poor Advice #5: Only girls with issues will fall for games, any real woman will want a nice guy.
How many "nice, sweet, sensitive" guys do you know that are dating beautiful, sexy, sweet women? Probably none. Now how many "nice, decent guys" do you know who are with women who they have to cater to, walk on eggshells around, carry their purses, cut their food, wash their car, and do their grocery shopping? Is that what we call a being with a "real woman"? No thanks.
Learning real world dating skills will increase your chances of landing beautiful, fun, intelligent women with a great sense of humor. While it is true that some women have a lot of problems, understanding men/women dynamics will help you weed out those types of women out too. You don’t need to waste time on women who have issues if you have options.
This statement is generally peddled by fat, angry, bitter women. They like to think they are “real” and any other beautiful girl has “issues”.
Poor Advice #6: Only insecure boys play games, real men do not need to play games.
Make no mistake, this is a game. But this bad advice is really just an accumulation of all the bad advice discussed up top. There is no distinction between "real" men and "fake" men....there is only men who get it and men who don't. Men who get it have sex and men who don't get it don't have sex. It's not more complex than that.
Poor Advice #7: If I was single, I would date that a nice guy.
This is an easy one. Girls say this to sound good, nothing more. If a beautiful girl says this, she knows she is at zero risk. She does not have to step up to the plate and prove it. Often times, she gives this advice and goes back home to the guy that is anything but “nice”. You’ve been there haven't you? Nice guys have a lot of girls who are friends, but never a girlfriend. WHY? If this statement is true, then nice guys everywhere would have girlfriends and not girls who are simply friends.
Get used to observing what type of men women actually feel sexual and romantic feelings for. Observe what kind of man that women actually feel "chemistry" for and you'll find very quickly that those men almost never fit anything that women say they want.
If you're a guy who makes it a habit of asking women about what other women really want, then you will be constantly even more confused.
Never Listen To What Women Say....Always Watch What They Do. Before you can really be the kind of man that most women will be attracted to, this is a concept that you have to absorb into every part of your being. Never listen to what women say....always watch what they do. Talk to any guy who has a lot of beautiful women in his life and he'll tell you this is true.
This phrase has saved me countless times. I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten a woman I wouldn't have gotten if I had believed what she said she wanted (or didn't want) initially. I cannot tell you how many women I would have lost had I listened to other's women's advice.
(Before we get to the heart of this post, let me just say that if you're a guy reading this and you're thinking, "So if a woman says to leave her alone, then I shouldn't listen to her, right?"....then I would suggest you turn yourself into the nearest police station because you need more help than what I can offer you in this blog.)
For the rest of the normal guys who are simply having trouble understanding why women say one thing but do another, read on.
There are 2 categories of women out there when it comes to this issue.
Category 1: The Well Meaning Woman. A natural personality trait of a woman is that of a nurturer. We all know how girls react when they see a sick puppy or kitten. They naturally want to make the creature feel better. So if you ask a woman why you aren't having any success with dating, she will always tell you sweet and encouraging things. They see someone who is wounded and vulnerable and they will naturally say things to make you feel better.
Category 2: The Manipulative Woman. This category of women consciously tells guys bad advice that will continue his brain washing. These women will tell guys things that will cause him to stay in his “wussified” state. This way the guy will buy her gifts, treat her like a princess, and she can walk all over him and he will not say a word. (Fortunately this only comprises of a small percentage of women).
So how do you tell the difference between these 2 categories of women when you are seeking advice? The answer is, "It doesn't matter". It doesn’t matter because both are giving bad advice. That is why you NEVER ask women for advice when it comes to dating. Ideally you go to a male friend who is successful with beautiful women and watch how he interacts with girls, ask him what he does and more importantly what he doesn't do. If that isn't an option, then I recommend the following resources because these dating coaches have developed excellent systems in "de-wussifying" men:
1) David DeAngelo is great for getting a basic foundation and understanding. His material and newsletter will really help you if you're struggling with these concepts. Go to his site and subscribe to his free newsletter: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/
2)
"Models" written by Mark Manson is an insight book to read after you've read some of DeAngelo's material. The book can be found here: http://postmasculine.com/modelsThese books are not magic bullets and they are not meant to be "How To's" because there is no such thing when it comes to women. What it shows you is that everything you've learned about attraction is wrong and more importantly....why it's wrong.
Now let's break down the most common poor advice that women give:
Poor Advice #1: Women want a nice, sweet, humble, honest, considerate guy who shares his feelings freely.
This is the first one because this is the worst one. One question should clear this up for you guys: If this guy is supposedly so sought after, why are these nice, considerate guys almost always universally single and lonely? Notice that men who don't follow this advice always have much greater success with attractive women.
We discussed this topic in more detail here: "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" and here: "Why Women Fall for Assholes"
Poor Advice #2: One day you will find a girl that will love you for you...don’t ever change.
She is trying to tell you something to make you feel better, but she does not realize she is ultimately killing your future success with women.
Let’s say that you do not have any marketable skills and you kept being denied for jobs. While it might make you feel better if I said, “Don’t worry, one day someone will hire you, don’t ever change”, ultimately I’m not helping your career. An honest friend would tell you, “You have a lot of good qualities, but you really need to go back to college or learn a marketable skill, improve your resume, and improve your interviewing skills." Now you tell me, which advice would help you increase your chances of getting a good job?
Poor Advice #3: Just be yourself.
This is very similar to poor advice #2 above. I honestly cannot think of another phrase more useless than these 3 little words. I cannot wait till this utterly ridiculous phrase goes out of style. The original intent to this advice is to encourage us not to be something we're not, but in this ultra-sensitive society it's become a mantra to not improve ourselves or to recognize our short comings.
Look, here is the bottom line, we are all naturals at something. Some people are naturally good at music, singing, math, drawing, or sports. Some people have natural personality traits that are universally attractive to the opposite sex. If you're one of those people, then yes, by all means you can "be yourself" and it'll be good enough. But if you're truly one of those people, then you probably wouldn't be reading my blog and you certainly wouldn't be struggling.
So if you're not happy with your dating success or the amount of women that are sexually attracted to you, then this phrase is a mental prison. So no...don't just "be yourself" because your natural self isn't good enough obviously. Instead, learn to be the BEST version of yourself.
Poor Advice #4: You are just not looking in the right places.
This one is so ridiculous it is actually quite funny. Let me assure you there isn't a magical Starbucks somewhere that is full of women who gets wet for "nice guys". The only time this statement is valid is if you NEVER step outside of your house. There is no limit to where you can meet women. You can meet women at lounges, libraries, bars, restaurants, school, work, volunteer services, gym, dance/cooking class...the list is endless. Guys who are alone are due to their inability to interact with women, it has nothing to do with where they live or the places they frequent. Their behavior is completely opposite of those which would be attractive to women, but it has nothing to do with “not looking in the right places.”
I'll give you an example, I had a friend who went away to college. Over a year later he still didn't have a girlfriend or even dated more than once or twice. He certainly didn't have sex with anyone. He gave a litany of excuses: All the girls are all materialistic or difficult, all the girls have bad attitudes, dating is tough in this particular college, there isn't anyone he wanted to date, etc.
In the following year, a second friend of ours also transferred to the same college. Immediately he dated one attractive girl after another. They went to the exact same campus, hung out at the same bars, and lived in the same neighborhood.
Was my second friend better looking? Richer? Played for the college basketball or football team? Nope, none of the above. Naturally they were quite similar in every aspect, in fact, my first friend was actually more athletic. But my second friend understood all the concepts that I've wrote about in this blog whereas my first friend refused to accept reality. He held onto a lot of the poor advice discussed here in this particular post and it cost him many, many years of frustration.
Poor Advice #5: Only girls with issues will fall for games, any real woman will want a nice guy.
How many "nice, sweet, sensitive" guys do you know that are dating beautiful, sexy, sweet women? Probably none. Now how many "nice, decent guys" do you know who are with women who they have to cater to, walk on eggshells around, carry their purses, cut their food, wash their car, and do their grocery shopping? Is that what we call a being with a "real woman"? No thanks.
Learning real world dating skills will increase your chances of landing beautiful, fun, intelligent women with a great sense of humor. While it is true that some women have a lot of problems, understanding men/women dynamics will help you weed out those types of women out too. You don’t need to waste time on women who have issues if you have options.
This statement is generally peddled by fat, angry, bitter women. They like to think they are “real” and any other beautiful girl has “issues”.
Poor Advice #6: Only insecure boys play games, real men do not need to play games.
Make no mistake, this is a game. But this bad advice is really just an accumulation of all the bad advice discussed up top. There is no distinction between "real" men and "fake" men....there is only men who get it and men who don't. Men who get it have sex and men who don't get it don't have sex. It's not more complex than that.
Poor Advice #7: If I was single, I would date that a nice guy.
This is an easy one. Girls say this to sound good, nothing more. If a beautiful girl says this, she knows she is at zero risk. She does not have to step up to the plate and prove it. Often times, she gives this advice and goes back home to the guy that is anything but “nice”. You’ve been there haven't you? Nice guys have a lot of girls who are friends, but never a girlfriend. WHY? If this statement is true, then nice guys everywhere would have girlfriends and not girls who are simply friends.
Get used to observing what type of men women actually feel sexual and romantic feelings for. Observe what kind of man that women actually feel "chemistry" for and you'll find very quickly that those men almost never fit anything that women say they want.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Why Women Are Attracted To Assholes
Out of the many mysteries of why women do what they do, this particular question is probably on top of the list: Why do women fall for assholes and jerks?
To break down this particular mystery, let’s define what we mean by “asshole”. When we use this term, it can mean any of the following:
However, if you break down women’s psyche and the world in which they live in, it is actually not difficult to understand why most normal, attractive, desirable women would fall hard for an “asshole”.
We’ll first break down what women truly need, then we’ll analyze how most men behave around beautiful women, then finally we’ll explain why women fall for men who seemingly treat them so poorly.
What Women Truly Need
Women are primarily emotional beings, as oppose to men who are visual and logical creatures. The single most important thing for a woman is that she FEELS for a man. This could be joy, love, hate, anger, etc. It doesn’t matter what she feels so long as she feels. They need to feel alive. The more successful and beautiful the woman, the more she will need and love “drama”. Look at the soap operas they watch and romance novels they read. It has little interest to men, but to women they can get completely lost in that world.
The worst thing to do to a woman is to not make her feel at all. In other words, BOREDOM will turn off a woman immediately. Women always need challenges. They love to seduce and chase. Without this element, they will quickly get bored of a man. They’ll always feel that something is missing, even if they can’t put their finger on it.
How Most Men React to Beautiful Women
What do most guys usually think when they see a beautiful, successful woman? Guys automatically assume that woman must need to be treated like a Queen or a Princess in order for her to even THINK about going out with a guy.
While women say they want a “nice guy”, if you look at the evidence and the results, that’s hardly ever the case. We all know tons of “nice guys” who are always single and alone. We break this down in more detail for men here: "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last". So in reality, if a woman is being put on a pedestal, she is not being challenged and will eventually be bored of the guys who are always willing to bend over backwards for her.
Women do not want a guy to be a doormat. They do not want a guy that she can walk all over.
The Reality of a Woman’s World
The life of an attractive woman is vastly different than that of a man's. In a man’s world we must chase and risk rejection, even good looking guys must face rejection. In a woman’s world she is constantly being chased. Any half way desirable woman knows she can get a man in bed if she wants.
Men everywhere will chase her. The problem is those men will too needy, too available, too weak, and too desperate. They will put her on a pedestal. They will profess their undying love after the 2nd date. They don’t make her feel anything. Sure she feels flattered, but once that wears off, she is seeking something else.
Why Assholes Are So Attractive
Unfortunately, in this age of feminizing men, women are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the amount of mentally and emotionally strong men they have to choose from.
This is where the “asshole” comes in. Yes, the asshole might have tons of qualities that seem negative, but at least he doesn’t give in to the woman. At least he makes her chase. He’s a challenge and he makes her FEEL. Her friends and family will tell her, “He’s not good enough for you”, “He’s an asshole”, or “You can do so much better than him.” However, the woman will continue to go back to him.
Her reasoning will include one or more of the following:
Healthy Challenge vs. Unhealthy Challenge
So what does this mean? Should all men just treat women poorly? Absolutely not. The idea is to be a man who has his own standards; a man with a backbone who will not bow down to women. A relationship should be about balance. So long as both parties are treating each other equally, then the relationship is healthy.
Most women that read this article will disagree initially because they don’t even understand it themselves. If women are truly honest with themselves, they’ll admit that most of the time they do things and they don’t understand why they’ve done it. Women are illogical because they are emotional creatures.
Beautiful women tend to go for assholes not because there’s something wrong with them. It’s due to the fact that they need challenges, it’s in their biology. The problem comes when the challenge takes on a life of its own and it consumes the woman and she loses complete control.
The only way out of that nasty cycle is when she realizes that she doesn’t truly love the man. It started off as a challenge that has gone badly and what beat her was her ego. We discuss a woman's ego here in this post: "Women's Worst Enemy: Her Ego". In her world, she can get any man she wants and yet here is this ONE guy who won’t do what she wants. She becomes obsess with the challenge and it transforms into feelings for a man, which for all intents and purposes, is completely destructive to her life.
Women must accept the fact that their attraction triggers are not based on intelligence or logic. Only when they can be honest with themselves can they move onto healthy challenges and not gravitate to ones that are detrimental to their life.
To break down this particular mystery, let’s define what we mean by “asshole”. When we use this term, it can mean any of the following:
- Guys who are rude and indifferent
- Guys who can’t stay faithful
- Guys who don’t really care
- Guys who lie
- Guys who won’t ever commit
- Guys who rarely do what women ask of them
- Guys who seem to be "dead beats" or "losers"
- Guys who treat women poorly
However, if you break down women’s psyche and the world in which they live in, it is actually not difficult to understand why most normal, attractive, desirable women would fall hard for an “asshole”.
We’ll first break down what women truly need, then we’ll analyze how most men behave around beautiful women, then finally we’ll explain why women fall for men who seemingly treat them so poorly.
What Women Truly Need
Women are primarily emotional beings, as oppose to men who are visual and logical creatures. The single most important thing for a woman is that she FEELS for a man. This could be joy, love, hate, anger, etc. It doesn’t matter what she feels so long as she feels. They need to feel alive. The more successful and beautiful the woman, the more she will need and love “drama”. Look at the soap operas they watch and romance novels they read. It has little interest to men, but to women they can get completely lost in that world.
The worst thing to do to a woman is to not make her feel at all. In other words, BOREDOM will turn off a woman immediately. Women always need challenges. They love to seduce and chase. Without this element, they will quickly get bored of a man. They’ll always feel that something is missing, even if they can’t put their finger on it.
How Most Men React to Beautiful Women
What do most guys usually think when they see a beautiful, successful woman? Guys automatically assume that woman must need to be treated like a Queen or a Princess in order for her to even THINK about going out with a guy.
While women say they want a “nice guy”, if you look at the evidence and the results, that’s hardly ever the case. We all know tons of “nice guys” who are always single and alone. We break this down in more detail for men here: "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last". So in reality, if a woman is being put on a pedestal, she is not being challenged and will eventually be bored of the guys who are always willing to bend over backwards for her.
Women do not want a guy to be a doormat. They do not want a guy that she can walk all over.
The Reality of a Woman’s World
The life of an attractive woman is vastly different than that of a man's. In a man’s world we must chase and risk rejection, even good looking guys must face rejection. In a woman’s world she is constantly being chased. Any half way desirable woman knows she can get a man in bed if she wants.
Men everywhere will chase her. The problem is those men will too needy, too available, too weak, and too desperate. They will put her on a pedestal. They will profess their undying love after the 2nd date. They don’t make her feel anything. Sure she feels flattered, but once that wears off, she is seeking something else.
Why Assholes Are So Attractive
Unfortunately, in this age of feminizing men, women are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the amount of mentally and emotionally strong men they have to choose from.
This is where the “asshole” comes in. Yes, the asshole might have tons of qualities that seem negative, but at least he doesn’t give in to the woman. At least he makes her chase. He’s a challenge and he makes her FEEL. Her friends and family will tell her, “He’s not good enough for you”, “He’s an asshole”, or “You can do so much better than him.” However, the woman will continue to go back to him.
Her reasoning will include one or more of the following:
- You don’t understand him; he’s not always like that.
- We have something special that no one understands.
- I know he really loves me.
- I just love him and I don’t know why.
- He’s different, there’s something about him that I can’t put my finger on.
- He doesn’t mean to hurt me.
Healthy Challenge vs. Unhealthy Challenge
So what does this mean? Should all men just treat women poorly? Absolutely not. The idea is to be a man who has his own standards; a man with a backbone who will not bow down to women. A relationship should be about balance. So long as both parties are treating each other equally, then the relationship is healthy.
Most women that read this article will disagree initially because they don’t even understand it themselves. If women are truly honest with themselves, they’ll admit that most of the time they do things and they don’t understand why they’ve done it. Women are illogical because they are emotional creatures.
Beautiful women tend to go for assholes not because there’s something wrong with them. It’s due to the fact that they need challenges, it’s in their biology. The problem comes when the challenge takes on a life of its own and it consumes the woman and she loses complete control.
The only way out of that nasty cycle is when she realizes that she doesn’t truly love the man. It started off as a challenge that has gone badly and what beat her was her ego. We discuss a woman's ego here in this post: "Women's Worst Enemy: Her Ego". In her world, she can get any man she wants and yet here is this ONE guy who won’t do what she wants. She becomes obsess with the challenge and it transforms into feelings for a man, which for all intents and purposes, is completely destructive to her life.
Women must accept the fact that their attraction triggers are not based on intelligence or logic. Only when they can be honest with themselves can they move onto healthy challenges and not gravitate to ones that are detrimental to their life.
Soulmates
“Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”
~ Richard Bach
"Soulmates" is a term that is thrown around quite often in movies and books. Human beings have always had the innate drive to form "pair bonds" which, from an evolutionary and biological point of view, is simply aligning with the opposite sex that have the most value. Value, of course, is different between males and females; those differences will be addressed in a different post.
Today with men and women roles often times reversed, women are having more difficulty with feeling attraction and finding love. They find themselves in a sea of weird, insecure, needy men who live in a world that no longer raises boys to be men. As a result both sexes are desperately seeking that one special person that seems more elusive than ever.
The idea of a soulmate is as old as time. Plato wrote about its origins in 385-380 BCE:
One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:
Primeval man could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast …Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods ... Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained. At last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way. He said: 'Methinks I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.'
~ Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium, [1]
Even though I understand the underlining biological and psychological drivers behind why we feel a certain connection or chemistry for another person, I believe in the concept of soulmates. I think if you don't, then you've never met anyone where upon meeting her for the first time you've felt as if you've known her all your life. This person you know you are absolutely destined to meet. Ask anyone who has met their soulmate and they will tell you they had those exact same feelings.
Maybe Plato was right all along; our greatest challenge in life as humans is to find our soulmate. If you look at our day to day behaviors, most of our actions and subconscious thoughts center around finding that undeniable chemistry with another human being. When you find your soulmate, you feel "whole"....as if you've finally come home.
A soulmate isn't one sided. If only one person feels this way, then it's called "desperation" or "lack of options", not divine intervention. But if you've found that person and she feels the same way about you then you owe it to each other to do everything you can to hold onto each other.
Many articles have been written about what and how your soulmate should be, however, it is rare that people talk about what it takes to BE someone's soulmate. So in this post, instead of talking about the other person, I'm going to list out the qualities that each of us should strive to possess to have a chance of being someone else's Soulmate.
These are the factors that I believe are the absolute basic necessities that all soulmates possess:
An Ability for Honest Self Assessement and Improvement: Everyone wants to be "special" in the eyes of someone. However, most people go about it wrong when they have all sorts of unattractive flaws in their personality that they haven't removed, yet they expect that someone somewhere will see them as special anyway. Notice that the people who find their soulmates are actually people who are generally attractive, both physically and emotionally,to the rest of the population.
Physically Attractive: This seems rather obvious, but physical attraction is a core component. Notice that men or women don't ever say they found an overweight, sloppy, negative whiner to be their soulmate. There is a reason why those who are considered to be "soulmate material" are almost always physically fit and attractive.
Easy Chemistry: When you find your soulmate, you feel completely natural and at ease when you're together. In fact, it feels very unnatural when you're apart. There should be an easiness to your day to day life together. If you find yourself having to force a lot of your relationship and having to struggle through each stage of your relationship, then chances are you aren't meant to be together.
Drama Free Life: While this leans towards women more, sometimes men are guilty of this as well. Anytime you bring unnecessary drama into your relationship, you will eventually kill it. No relationship can survive constant drama. This is why women who constantly seek attention, which in turns causes drama, have such a difficult time finding "someone special" despite their physical attractiveness and abundant options. (Why Women Fall for Assholes)
A Sense of Responsibility and Consideration: In this "me first" and individualistic society, the word "responsibility" is a curse word. Consideration is at an all time low. If you truly want to find your soulmate you have to be willing to be responsible for the other person. This means that you are responsible for thinking about how your actions will affect him or her. This seems simple on paper but it is very difficult for a lot of people today. We don't stop and think, "How would I feel if the other person did what I'm about to do?" To be a soulmate to someone, you have to be considerate about how your actions affect them. Soulmates put the other person's needs above their own.
Accepting Each Other's Flaws: Do not confuse accepting someone's flaws with accepting someone's laziness. No one should accept issues in your life that you are responsible for correcting. However, true soulmates accept you for the flaws that you cannot control. Soulmates accept each other as they are. They love each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses.
You Make Each Other Better: Your soul mate will make you a better person. This person will inspire you to be the best version of yourself than you ever thought possible and vice versa.
In the end, there is no roadmap to your soulmate. There is an old adage that simply says, "You'll just know." This isn't something that can be explained unless you've felt it. It's like describing the color "red" to a blind person...you just can't. But you can be damn sure that if you haven't put in work to improve yourself then even if you met someone who you think could your soulmate, they won't feel the same way about you.
Every man and woman is meant to have one true love in their lifetime. I believe that we can get to a very good version of ourselves on our own but I don't think we can actually reach the pinnacle of our potential till we meet our soulmate. Only when we meet the great love of our life is when we truly take off and achieve the best version of ourselves.
"To find The One, you have to be The One for someone else."
~ Richard Bach
"Soulmates" is a term that is thrown around quite often in movies and books. Human beings have always had the innate drive to form "pair bonds" which, from an evolutionary and biological point of view, is simply aligning with the opposite sex that have the most value. Value, of course, is different between males and females; those differences will be addressed in a different post.
Today with men and women roles often times reversed, women are having more difficulty with feeling attraction and finding love. They find themselves in a sea of weird, insecure, needy men who live in a world that no longer raises boys to be men. As a result both sexes are desperately seeking that one special person that seems more elusive than ever.
The idea of a soulmate is as old as time. Plato wrote about its origins in 385-380 BCE:
One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:
Primeval man could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast …Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods ... Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained. At last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way. He said: 'Methinks I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.'
~ Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium, [1]
Even though I understand the underlining biological and psychological drivers behind why we feel a certain connection or chemistry for another person, I believe in the concept of soulmates. I think if you don't, then you've never met anyone where upon meeting her for the first time you've felt as if you've known her all your life. This person you know you are absolutely destined to meet. Ask anyone who has met their soulmate and they will tell you they had those exact same feelings.
Maybe Plato was right all along; our greatest challenge in life as humans is to find our soulmate. If you look at our day to day behaviors, most of our actions and subconscious thoughts center around finding that undeniable chemistry with another human being. When you find your soulmate, you feel "whole"....as if you've finally come home.
A soulmate isn't one sided. If only one person feels this way, then it's called "desperation" or "lack of options", not divine intervention. But if you've found that person and she feels the same way about you then you owe it to each other to do everything you can to hold onto each other.
Many articles have been written about what and how your soulmate should be, however, it is rare that people talk about what it takes to BE someone's soulmate. So in this post, instead of talking about the other person, I'm going to list out the qualities that each of us should strive to possess to have a chance of being someone else's Soulmate.
These are the factors that I believe are the absolute basic necessities that all soulmates possess:
An Ability for Honest Self Assessement and Improvement: Everyone wants to be "special" in the eyes of someone. However, most people go about it wrong when they have all sorts of unattractive flaws in their personality that they haven't removed, yet they expect that someone somewhere will see them as special anyway. Notice that the people who find their soulmates are actually people who are generally attractive, both physically and emotionally,to the rest of the population.
Physically Attractive: This seems rather obvious, but physical attraction is a core component. Notice that men or women don't ever say they found an overweight, sloppy, negative whiner to be their soulmate. There is a reason why those who are considered to be "soulmate material" are almost always physically fit and attractive.
Easy Chemistry: When you find your soulmate, you feel completely natural and at ease when you're together. In fact, it feels very unnatural when you're apart. There should be an easiness to your day to day life together. If you find yourself having to force a lot of your relationship and having to struggle through each stage of your relationship, then chances are you aren't meant to be together.
Drama Free Life: While this leans towards women more, sometimes men are guilty of this as well. Anytime you bring unnecessary drama into your relationship, you will eventually kill it. No relationship can survive constant drama. This is why women who constantly seek attention, which in turns causes drama, have such a difficult time finding "someone special" despite their physical attractiveness and abundant options. (Why Women Fall for Assholes)
A Sense of Responsibility and Consideration: In this "me first" and individualistic society, the word "responsibility" is a curse word. Consideration is at an all time low. If you truly want to find your soulmate you have to be willing to be responsible for the other person. This means that you are responsible for thinking about how your actions will affect him or her. This seems simple on paper but it is very difficult for a lot of people today. We don't stop and think, "How would I feel if the other person did what I'm about to do?" To be a soulmate to someone, you have to be considerate about how your actions affect them. Soulmates put the other person's needs above their own.
Accepting Each Other's Flaws: Do not confuse accepting someone's flaws with accepting someone's laziness. No one should accept issues in your life that you are responsible for correcting. However, true soulmates accept you for the flaws that you cannot control. Soulmates accept each other as they are. They love each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses.
You Make Each Other Better: Your soul mate will make you a better person. This person will inspire you to be the best version of yourself than you ever thought possible and vice versa.
In the end, there is no roadmap to your soulmate. There is an old adage that simply says, "You'll just know." This isn't something that can be explained unless you've felt it. It's like describing the color "red" to a blind person...you just can't. But you can be damn sure that if you haven't put in work to improve yourself then even if you met someone who you think could your soulmate, they won't feel the same way about you.
Every man and woman is meant to have one true love in their lifetime. I believe that we can get to a very good version of ourselves on our own but I don't think we can actually reach the pinnacle of our potential till we meet our soulmate. Only when we meet the great love of our life is when we truly take off and achieve the best version of ourselves.
"To find The One, you have to be The One for someone else."
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last
If you're a guy who...
1) ...is always the friend but never the boyfriend
2) ...treated your girlfriend really well but she broke up with you anyway and now you don't understand why
...then read on because this one's for you.
The basic question that has been debated thousands of times is, "Do nice guys finish last?" and I believe that very few people have arrived at the correct answer because the question is asked incorrectly.
The debate isn't "Nice Guys vs Jerks", it's "Weak Guys vs Strong Guys". In a separate post I'll dive into what are the elements of a "strong guy" but for this post we'll breakdown what are symptoms of a "weak guy". In my foundation post "Ideal Relationship Model", I talked about a core component in any solid relationship: Passion. Most men today have no idea what that is. You can't create passion till you can create attraction and 80% of guys walking around today know nothing about creating attraction in a woman.
When I started to study men/women dynamics, there was very little help out there for guys. Men, young and old, were constantly getting slaughtered in the dating game and left alone, confused, and wondering if they'll ever "just get a girlfriend". Today there are more teachers out there who can genuinely help men who suffered from what I call the "brain washing of men". This brain washing has lead to these Common Myths Most Men Carry All Their Lives.
But regardless of how many books you read or what school of game you subscribe to, there are some basic core issues that you have to deal with if you want to have beautiful, decent, caring, loving women in your life.
These are the most basic of mistakes that a man makes that destroy his chances of ever having a woman feel any sort of sexual attraction towards him:
1) You compliment her excessively and frequently. You basically put her on a pedestal right out of the gate.
2) You try to gain her attraction through buying her dinners and gifts. She may feel some affection and appreciation for you (like a brother), but she'll never ever feel sexual attraction for you.
3) You never want to say or do anything controversial. You are agreeable, considerate, and sensitive to her every need.
4) You are always looking for her approval or permission.
5) You are constantly available. Whenever she calls, texts, or email you are at her beck and call.
6) You never say "No" to anything she asks. You basically "give her the world".
7) You put up with bad behavior from women. They test you with ex-boyfriends, immature demands, emotional mood swings, temper tantrums and you bend over backwards to accommodate.
8) You share "how you feel about her" long before she ever shows any sexual interest in you.
Among all the mistakes that guys make, the last one is the one that puts the nail in their coffin. Even guys with girlfriends do it. There are thousands of men out there that make these mistakes and when the woman says, "I need some space" or starts to have less time for him, the first thing he does is....yep you guessed it....tell her how he feels even more! He thinks, "If ONLY she knew EXACTLY how I felt about her, then she'll feel the same about me." And as every woman can tell you, when a man does this, she simply retreats further.
The above 8 mistakes are the most common symptoms all clueless men make, but the underling disease is Fear. Fear of women. Fear of rejection. You look at a beautiful woman in a coffee shop, at a bar, in a club, at a lounge and you are petrified with fear. You have no idea what to say, your first thoughts are of rejection, anxiety, and you are genuinely worried about what this stranger will think of you. You've made her out to be this perfect human being and therefore you must be beneath her. All this goes through your mind in 5 seconds flat before you even take a step towards her.
And in that situation, what do most men do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So after years of no success, if you happen to "get lucky" and land that all important girlfriend, you begin to value her like she is the center of your world...because in reality...she is. You're Desperate. You fear losing her because you have no idea when the next girl is coming along and you proceed to make all the mistakes that I listed above.
These are the bare bones, basic internal problems of why you aren't successful with women. It isn't because you're not good looking enough, tall enough, rich enough, funny enough, or whatever other excuses you believe. It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 50, these will be the same issues you'll carry throughout the rest of your life if you don't understand how attraction in women really works.
This is not about making you into a jerk, but make no mistake that currently you are weak. Deep down inside you know it and all women you come into contact with know it. Each post under the label "Men's Edition" will be focused on undoing the incorrect thinking and all the misconceptions that you've been raised to believe.
This is a mandatory book for all men trying to "de-brainwash" themselves from their nice guy upbringing: No More Mr. Nice Guy
"Let us understand definitively that sexual attraction is not about being a nice guy, it’s not about showing her how much you care (at first), it’s not about accommodating her whims, it’s not about trying to gain her approval, it’s not about doing what she says she wants, it’s not about liking the things she says she likes, it’s not about begging, giving away your power, getting her phone number, dating for a month before sex, trying to convince her logically, or any of the other common misconceptions about romance that are perpetuated in our social programming by Hollywood movies, Disney cartoons and well-intentioned mothers."
~ Revelation,
Chris Odom
*Follow Up Topic: The 4 Types Of Women That Will Date Nice Guys
1) ...is always the friend but never the boyfriend
2) ...treated your girlfriend really well but she broke up with you anyway and now you don't understand why
...then read on because this one's for you.
The basic question that has been debated thousands of times is, "Do nice guys finish last?" and I believe that very few people have arrived at the correct answer because the question is asked incorrectly.
The debate isn't "Nice Guys vs Jerks", it's "Weak Guys vs Strong Guys". In a separate post I'll dive into what are the elements of a "strong guy" but for this post we'll breakdown what are symptoms of a "weak guy". In my foundation post "Ideal Relationship Model", I talked about a core component in any solid relationship: Passion. Most men today have no idea what that is. You can't create passion till you can create attraction and 80% of guys walking around today know nothing about creating attraction in a woman.
When I started to study men/women dynamics, there was very little help out there for guys. Men, young and old, were constantly getting slaughtered in the dating game and left alone, confused, and wondering if they'll ever "just get a girlfriend". Today there are more teachers out there who can genuinely help men who suffered from what I call the "brain washing of men". This brain washing has lead to these Common Myths Most Men Carry All Their Lives.
But regardless of how many books you read or what school of game you subscribe to, there are some basic core issues that you have to deal with if you want to have beautiful, decent, caring, loving women in your life.
These are the most basic of mistakes that a man makes that destroy his chances of ever having a woman feel any sort of sexual attraction towards him:
1) You compliment her excessively and frequently. You basically put her on a pedestal right out of the gate.
2) You try to gain her attraction through buying her dinners and gifts. She may feel some affection and appreciation for you (like a brother), but she'll never ever feel sexual attraction for you.
3) You never want to say or do anything controversial. You are agreeable, considerate, and sensitive to her every need.
4) You are always looking for her approval or permission.
5) You are constantly available. Whenever she calls, texts, or email you are at her beck and call.
6) You never say "No" to anything she asks. You basically "give her the world".
7) You put up with bad behavior from women. They test you with ex-boyfriends, immature demands, emotional mood swings, temper tantrums and you bend over backwards to accommodate.
8) You share "how you feel about her" long before she ever shows any sexual interest in you.
Among all the mistakes that guys make, the last one is the one that puts the nail in their coffin. Even guys with girlfriends do it. There are thousands of men out there that make these mistakes and when the woman says, "I need some space" or starts to have less time for him, the first thing he does is....yep you guessed it....tell her how he feels even more! He thinks, "If ONLY she knew EXACTLY how I felt about her, then she'll feel the same about me." And as every woman can tell you, when a man does this, she simply retreats further.
The above 8 mistakes are the most common symptoms all clueless men make, but the underling disease is Fear. Fear of women. Fear of rejection. You look at a beautiful woman in a coffee shop, at a bar, in a club, at a lounge and you are petrified with fear. You have no idea what to say, your first thoughts are of rejection, anxiety, and you are genuinely worried about what this stranger will think of you. You've made her out to be this perfect human being and therefore you must be beneath her. All this goes through your mind in 5 seconds flat before you even take a step towards her.
And in that situation, what do most men do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So after years of no success, if you happen to "get lucky" and land that all important girlfriend, you begin to value her like she is the center of your world...because in reality...she is. You're Desperate. You fear losing her because you have no idea when the next girl is coming along and you proceed to make all the mistakes that I listed above.
These are the bare bones, basic internal problems of why you aren't successful with women. It isn't because you're not good looking enough, tall enough, rich enough, funny enough, or whatever other excuses you believe. It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 50, these will be the same issues you'll carry throughout the rest of your life if you don't understand how attraction in women really works.
This is not about making you into a jerk, but make no mistake that currently you are weak. Deep down inside you know it and all women you come into contact with know it. Each post under the label "Men's Edition" will be focused on undoing the incorrect thinking and all the misconceptions that you've been raised to believe.
This is a mandatory book for all men trying to "de-brainwash" themselves from their nice guy upbringing: No More Mr. Nice Guy
"Let us understand definitively that sexual attraction is not about being a nice guy, it’s not about showing her how much you care (at first), it’s not about accommodating her whims, it’s not about trying to gain her approval, it’s not about doing what she says she wants, it’s not about liking the things she says she likes, it’s not about begging, giving away your power, getting her phone number, dating for a month before sex, trying to convince her logically, or any of the other common misconceptions about romance that are perpetuated in our social programming by Hollywood movies, Disney cartoons and well-intentioned mothers."
~ Revelation,
Chris Odom
*Follow Up Topic: The 4 Types Of Women That Will Date Nice Guys
Friday, March 26, 2010
Women's Worst Enemy: Her Ego
Often times we hear that "men have a big ego". It's actually pretty funny to me to hear women say that. Men have a lot of pride, but honestly, very few men on this planet have a big ego. Growing up, most men experience enough set backs, heartbreaks, and get turned down by enough girls to keep us fairly realistic about the realities of life.
Most women, however, have an ego the size of Texas. Let me explain and offer some examples that if you as a woman are reading should recognize pretty clearly.
We'll take the recent headline that a 4th woman came forward claiming that she had an affair with Jesse James, the husband of Sandra Bullock. Now, at the time of this posting, none of the women have given any interviews so officially we don't know why they're all coming forward now. But let me venture this guess:
Nearly every woman who has ever had an affair with a married man (or even a man with a girlfriend) always believes she is the only one. (I cannot help but laugh when I hear this...seriously, truly laugh!). So in this particular case, Michelle McGee is James' most recent mistress and she believed him when he told her that either:
A) He is going to or already has left Bullock.
B) She is the woman of his dreams and she is more special than any other woman he's been with.
C) How much better, sexier, smarter, etc. she is than his wife.
It'll be some combination of the above.
So come Oscar night and Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar and during her acceptance speech she profusely thanks her husband and more important, he in turn gushes about her. James said in reference to Bullock on Oscar night, "She's beautiful. She's amazing. She takes my breath away. Sometimes I look at her and I do, I just lose my breath"
This completely pissed off McGee because he probably said something similar to her and now it is obvious he has no intentions of leaving Bullock. Out of hurt and anger, McGee then rats to the tabloids. The other 3 mistresses now see an opportunity to cash in on their story too. Some of them, like McGee, was probably under the impression they were the only one. More women will most likely step forward in the coming weeks.
If you've ever listened to any of Tiger Wood's mistresses, most of them had the same story and thought process.
So now some of you are reading this and thinking, "That's THOSE type of women...regular, normal women don't go around sleeping with married men. I'm NOTHING like that". You don't think so, eh? Before you throw stones, have you never flirted with a married guy or another woman's boyfriend just "out of curiosity"? Or because you thought he was "safe" and "probably wouldn't do anything"? I bet if you think back real hard, you'll know at least one girlfriend from your own life who either slept with a married man or took a boyfriend away from another woman. Just because you technically have never slept with a married man, don't be so quick to conclude that you must be so vastly different from these women.
Of course some women have bigger egos than others. In fact, I've been fortunate enough to have a few women in my life that were on the lower end of the ego scale. However, if you're wondering where you land on that scale, here are some tell tale signs that your ego is probably your own worst enemy:
1. You constantly have drama in your life but you always feel that it isn't your fault, that "bad things just happen to me."
2. You've had several bad relationships and you say things like, "I have bad luck", "I have a bad picker", or "I just attract bad guys".
3. When people warn you against someone or something, you want to do it that much more to "prove them wrong".
4. You tend to love the challenge of men who are taken. You think that if you can make him be faithful to you, then it validates your beauty and sexuality. You feel that he'll be different with you because you're special....he told you so.
5. You compete with women everywhere you go, even your own girlfriends.
6. When in an affair, you refuse to let go because you feel that you're "this close to taking him away from her".
7. It doesn't matter what your close friends or family say about the bad relationship you're in, you know better, you "know him" and you "see the good in him" that no one can see.
The most ironic thing of all is that women who are most susceptible to being involved with a married man are the quickest to ridicule other women for being stupid, naive, and weak. Bullock said this about Tiger's wife a mere 10 weeks ago, "If I were Elin, man, I would have hit a lot more than she did. She stopped, she was respectable. I'd get the baseball bat, I'd get everything out." Hilarious.
Regardless of what she says, Bullock won't file for divorce. If she does, she'll be the rare exception and not the rule. She'll make noise about it, then quietly reconcile and give it another try. They'll eventually divorce, but it won't be due to these cheating scandals. She won't leave. Most women in these situations don't. Why? See the title of this post.
Source Links:
Girl #4 Claims Affair with Jesse James
Sandra Bullock's Words for Tiger's Wife
Jesse James Gushes About Sandra Bullock
*Epilogue: If you're reading this post many years after the time it was written, you may not know or care who Sandra Bullock is. It doesn't matter. Simply replace her and her husband with either a couple you know from your personal life, from your own life, or whichever couple happens to be in the headlines.
As a matter of fact, I wrote the core pieces of this post for my private files about 6 years ago. For this posting I simply changed the names and added a few sentences to fit current events. People making these decisions and entering these type of relationships will always be the same.
Most women, however, have an ego the size of Texas. Let me explain and offer some examples that if you as a woman are reading should recognize pretty clearly.
We'll take the recent headline that a 4th woman came forward claiming that she had an affair with Jesse James, the husband of Sandra Bullock. Now, at the time of this posting, none of the women have given any interviews so officially we don't know why they're all coming forward now. But let me venture this guess:
Nearly every woman who has ever had an affair with a married man (or even a man with a girlfriend) always believes she is the only one. (I cannot help but laugh when I hear this...seriously, truly laugh!). So in this particular case, Michelle McGee is James' most recent mistress and she believed him when he told her that either:
A) He is going to or already has left Bullock.
B) She is the woman of his dreams and she is more special than any other woman he's been with.
C) How much better, sexier, smarter, etc. she is than his wife.
It'll be some combination of the above.
So come Oscar night and Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar and during her acceptance speech she profusely thanks her husband and more important, he in turn gushes about her. James said in reference to Bullock on Oscar night, "She's beautiful. She's amazing. She takes my breath away. Sometimes I look at her and I do, I just lose my breath"
This completely pissed off McGee because he probably said something similar to her and now it is obvious he has no intentions of leaving Bullock. Out of hurt and anger, McGee then rats to the tabloids. The other 3 mistresses now see an opportunity to cash in on their story too. Some of them, like McGee, was probably under the impression they were the only one. More women will most likely step forward in the coming weeks.
If you've ever listened to any of Tiger Wood's mistresses, most of them had the same story and thought process.
So now some of you are reading this and thinking, "That's THOSE type of women...regular, normal women don't go around sleeping with married men. I'm NOTHING like that". You don't think so, eh? Before you throw stones, have you never flirted with a married guy or another woman's boyfriend just "out of curiosity"? Or because you thought he was "safe" and "probably wouldn't do anything"? I bet if you think back real hard, you'll know at least one girlfriend from your own life who either slept with a married man or took a boyfriend away from another woman. Just because you technically have never slept with a married man, don't be so quick to conclude that you must be so vastly different from these women.
Of course some women have bigger egos than others. In fact, I've been fortunate enough to have a few women in my life that were on the lower end of the ego scale. However, if you're wondering where you land on that scale, here are some tell tale signs that your ego is probably your own worst enemy:
1. You constantly have drama in your life but you always feel that it isn't your fault, that "bad things just happen to me."
2. You've had several bad relationships and you say things like, "I have bad luck", "I have a bad picker", or "I just attract bad guys".
3. When people warn you against someone or something, you want to do it that much more to "prove them wrong".
4. You tend to love the challenge of men who are taken. You think that if you can make him be faithful to you, then it validates your beauty and sexuality. You feel that he'll be different with you because you're special....he told you so.
5. You compete with women everywhere you go, even your own girlfriends.
6. When in an affair, you refuse to let go because you feel that you're "this close to taking him away from her".
7. It doesn't matter what your close friends or family say about the bad relationship you're in, you know better, you "know him" and you "see the good in him" that no one can see.
The most ironic thing of all is that women who are most susceptible to being involved with a married man are the quickest to ridicule other women for being stupid, naive, and weak. Bullock said this about Tiger's wife a mere 10 weeks ago, "If I were Elin, man, I would have hit a lot more than she did. She stopped, she was respectable. I'd get the baseball bat, I'd get everything out." Hilarious.
Regardless of what she says, Bullock won't file for divorce. If she does, she'll be the rare exception and not the rule. She'll make noise about it, then quietly reconcile and give it another try. They'll eventually divorce, but it won't be due to these cheating scandals. She won't leave. Most women in these situations don't. Why? See the title of this post.
Source Links:
Girl #4 Claims Affair with Jesse James
Sandra Bullock's Words for Tiger's Wife
Jesse James Gushes About Sandra Bullock
*Epilogue: If you're reading this post many years after the time it was written, you may not know or care who Sandra Bullock is. It doesn't matter. Simply replace her and her husband with either a couple you know from your personal life, from your own life, or whichever couple happens to be in the headlines.
As a matter of fact, I wrote the core pieces of this post for my private files about 6 years ago. For this posting I simply changed the names and added a few sentences to fit current events. People making these decisions and entering these type of relationships will always be the same.
Women That Set Themselves Up To Be Cheated On
When a man cheats on a woman, whether it is celebrities or someone in our personal lives, it is common practice to put the blame 100% on the man. Is the guy wrong? Absolutely. This post isn't about excusing the cheating man's bad behavior. What this post is about is women (and society in general) excusing other women from all responsibility in the situation.
Most people know who Sandra Bullock is; she's America's sweetheart, funny, pretty, intelligent, and by all accounts a professional that everyone wants to work with. Now of all the people in the world that she decided to marry, she picks Jesses James. A man who was married to a porn star.
(Intelligence or professional success has absolutely nothing to do with decision making when it comes to attraction...we'll get to that in future posts)
When Bullock's friend's found out she was dating him, James said, "all of her friends, absolutely, like 100 percent, [were] like, 'No way, we're putting a stop to this. This is no good". What most well meaning friends don't know is that when you tell most women not to do something, they want to do it more.
Often times women do not take responsibility for the consequences of their decisions. They pick the guy that is the biggest challenge and then express shock when the inevitable happens. If you read most comments, the general consensus is "poor Sandra Bullock", but that is excusing her from her poor decision making. She went after a guy who was notorious for dating extremely promiscuous women. She took on the challenge and got burned. That's her responsibility. Halle Berry had the same problem. Jennifer Aniston also falls into this category.
It would be the equivalent of me dating a stripper and then complaining that too many men gawk at her and that she takes her clothes off too much. Seriously? Would anyone feel sorry for the me? Of course not. What would most people say? They would say "what did you expect?" But we don't put that same layer of logic on women when they select high risk men.
Source Links:
Sandra Bullock's Friends Warned Her
Jesse James Reputation with Women
Most people know who Sandra Bullock is; she's America's sweetheart, funny, pretty, intelligent, and by all accounts a professional that everyone wants to work with. Now of all the people in the world that she decided to marry, she picks Jesses James. A man who was married to a porn star.
(Intelligence or professional success has absolutely nothing to do with decision making when it comes to attraction...we'll get to that in future posts)
When Bullock's friend's found out she was dating him, James said, "all of her friends, absolutely, like 100 percent, [were] like, 'No way, we're putting a stop to this. This is no good". What most well meaning friends don't know is that when you tell most women not to do something, they want to do it more.
Often times women do not take responsibility for the consequences of their decisions. They pick the guy that is the biggest challenge and then express shock when the inevitable happens. If you read most comments, the general consensus is "poor Sandra Bullock", but that is excusing her from her poor decision making. She went after a guy who was notorious for dating extremely promiscuous women. She took on the challenge and got burned. That's her responsibility. Halle Berry had the same problem. Jennifer Aniston also falls into this category.
It would be the equivalent of me dating a stripper and then complaining that too many men gawk at her and that she takes her clothes off too much. Seriously? Would anyone feel sorry for the me? Of course not. What would most people say? They would say "what did you expect?" But we don't put that same layer of logic on women when they select high risk men.
There are many reasons why women are naturally attracted to men who can get other women. We'll certainly have several posts that break down the "why". Attraction isn't a choice. People think they have a choice, but they don't. But if women do not take the time to be a bit more self aware and stop making poor decisions that lead to unhealthy relationships, they have to take some responsibility for the consequences when the inevitable happens.
Source Links:
Sandra Bullock's Friends Warned Her
Jesse James Reputation with Women
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