Trust

*Chances are, if you're reading this article, then you might want to read this first: Knowing When To Walk Away and then ask yourself honestly if your girlfriend or wife is displaying any of the behaviors listed there.

The word "Trust" is often misused when it comes to men and women dynamics. Most experts will tell you that trust is the cornerstone of a good relationship but they rarely address what conditions need to be present before that trust can and should be given.  People trust their partners all the time and get burned.  I think those people will tell you that simply giving your trust to someone has very little to do with the actual outcome of your relationship. 

The purpose of this post is to identify when a man can fully trust a woman. 

As a man, how do you know when to trust a woman? “Trust” meaning to make a commitment to her and know that she will have your best interest at heart when she makes decisions. 

A man needs to have standards; women won’t respect you if you don’t. However, no one can tell you what those exact standards are as this is something only you can build through experience in dating.  You have to know what kind of woman you want to share your life with long term.

Whatever standards you choose to live by, if you want to trust that a woman will do right by you and your relationship, I believe it must be comprise of the following 3 criteria:

Character: A woman’s character is by far the most important of the 3 criteria, although this is the one area that is discussed the least. If a woman doesn’t have good character, the other 2 points below won’t matter. What you consider “good character” may slightly differ depending on your upbringing but I think for the most part we can all agree on the following:

a. Loyal

b. Supportive

c. Doesn't constantly seek attention from men

d. Considerate and thinks about your needs before her own

e. Loving and sweet natured

f. Family oriented

g. Empathetic and Sympathetic

h. Not materialistic

i. Demonstrates a sound set of morals and values

If you have a woman that embodies these characteristics then you have a very good foundation with which to build a healthy and loving relationship.  While there may be other character traits that are important to you, these are the minimum ones that are necessary before you can consider trusting a woman fully.


Happiness: This is the area that most therapist, counselors, and every article on the web likes to focus on. The general consensus is that if a woman is emotionally, mentally, and physically happy in your relationship then she won’t want to put herself in a position to have an affair.  That assumption is only partly true as it also depends heavily on her character and morals.

Criteria for happiness may differ slightly from woman to woman depending on her expectations but I believe that in general the following aspects are necessary for a woman to feel satisfied in her relationship:

a. She respects you and looks to you as the leader of the relationship.

b. You make her feel loved and protected.

c. Your sex life together is active and exciting.

d. You don’t get complacent and let yourself go physically or in the way you present yourself when you’re out in public.

e. You don’t let the relationship become boring. You still "date" her.

f. You don’t let yourself become boring. You are still constantly learning new things, taking up new hobbies, and improving yourself in general

g. You still stay attractive to women in general which makes her proud that she is with you.

h. You are a rock in the storm. You know when to just listen and when to step in and take care of a problem.

In other words you ask yourself from time to time, "If I met her today, would she still want to date me?"

Women will always have something to complain about in a relationship, even if deep down inside they know they are very lucky. They need something to bring to the table when they get together with their girlfriends for dinner. It’s really like a sport to them! But in general if the above areas are fulfilled, a woman won’t do anything to put her relationship in jeopardy.


Circumstance:  This is the area that most men will focus on the most. Circumstance is essentially opportunity. The following are the most common factors that have no place in a respectful, healthy relationship:

a. She spends a lot of time one-on-one time with male colleagues/friends.

b. She goes to clubs/bars and dresses and behaves as if she is still single.

c. She takes girls' weekend trips to places that are known for hooking up such as Vegas or Miami.

d. She keeps in contact with her ex-boyfriends.

If you allow her to consistently put herself in these circumstances, then it will be no surprise that eventually she'll cheat on you.  It's not about morals or ethics at this point, it's about human nature.  As the old saying goes, "If you hang out a barber shop long enough, you'll eventually get a haircut". 

However, while it's easy to focus on just "Circumstances", it is a common mistake to not take the previous 2 factors into consideration.  If you only focus on this area it can end up causing other issues in your relationship.  You cannot get into a mindset where you won't allow her to go anywhere or do anything without you.  If you do then it will cause her to feel distrusted, accused, unappreciated, and will create a resentment that will be equally as damaging to your relationship. 

Part of happiness for a woman is that she feels valued and bonded with her partner.  If she is constantly under a microscope then you'll end up pushing her away from your relationship, which of course defeats the entire purpose of having standards.


Scenarios

Here are 3 of the more common scenarios where the advice, "You just have to trust her" has zero impact or usefulness:

1. Bad Character, Happy In The Relationship, Controlled Circumstances

This scenario happens to a lot of men who are desperate and will take whoever comes along; unfortunately often times this involves women with bad character. The women in this scenario will usually be one of the 4 types of women who will date nice guys. In this situation a man will bend over backwards to make sure she is happy. He'll do pretty much anything she wants in order to keep her in the relationship. He'll also be very vigilant in where she goes, but that won't make a difference because women of bad character will always find a way to get involved with other men.

In this case, all the advice in the world about making sure your woman is "happy in the relationship" won't make a bit of difference.

 
2. Good Character, Not Happy In The Relationship, Seeking Circumstances

This scenario is probably the most unfortunate because it started off on the right path with the man choosing wisely.  In all likelihood, this relationship should have been able to go the distance.

This is also the most common scenario as it is easy for men to start taking women for granted, getting complacent, and in general stop paying attention to the health of the relationship.

If a woman is unhappy she will gradually put herself in situations that will lead to affairs. If she has good character then it'll take awhile but no human being can stay miserable indefinitely. This is when the common workplace affairs happen or she starts to talk to an ex-boyfriend because she is so unhappy in her relationship.  This is also when a lot of emotional affairs on social media can occur. She is consciously or subconsciously looking to feel wanted, loved, and alive.

In this case the man is so blind that he won't even notice that she is drifting away because he hasn't been paying attention for a long time, which was the root cause of this scenario in the first place.  This is the only scenario where the many articles in women's magazines and on the web have any validity; if she is happy then she won't stray on you.

3. Good Character, Happy In The Relationship, Opportunistic Circumstances

This scenario is the easiest of the three.  You've got a great woman and she's happy.  Now you just have to have the courage to draw fair and appropriate boundaries.  Unfortunately men today are afraid to put their foot down and stand up for themselves.  Men are taught to put their own needs and self worth aside and are made to feel bad if they draw a line in the sand.  They are told they are jealous, controlling, and insecure.  So therefore they suffer silently and let their wife or girlfriend put themselves in situations where infidelity can easily happen.

A woman with good character won't seek out to have an affair on purpose, especially if she is happy. The affair will always start off innocently enough and often times you'll hear women explain that "they didn't mean for it to happen".  Most women today were raised in a time when behaving as if you're single while still enjoying the benefits of a stable and loving relationship is the norm. This doesn't mean that all women are cold hearted users, as a lot of angry, frustrated men like to say.  In fact, I believe a lot women have very good character but they also have developed very bad habits.

In this case it is very important that you establish boundaries that you feel are respectful for you and your relationship.  You have the right to say, "I don't feel what you're doing is appropriate and I won't tolerate this type of behavior in a relationship".  If you've picked a woman with good character and you've done your part in making sure she is happy in the relationship, she'll clearly see that you are trying to proactively keep the health of your relationship strong.

If a woman cannot abide by fair and reasonable standards of behavior then either you shouldn't be with her or she most likely falls under the first scenario above.


I'll be the first to admit that being involved in this field for as long as I have and seeing some of the atrocities that people do to one another has negatively affected my own ability to trust completely.  However, I will now be the first to tell you that it is vital to the bond of your relationship that you have a healthy amount of "Trust" for each other.

Summary

- If you want to have healthy, loving, long term relationships you must first and foremost pick women who possess good character.  You don't have anything if you don't have that. 

- It is your responsibility to ensure that she is loved, protected, and happy in your relationship.  Don't get lazy.  

- You must have a standard of behavior that you believe in and that you share with her. Don't be afraid to stand up for your boundaries.

If you have these ideals in place, then you can fully trust that no matter what challenges life brings to your relationship, she will stand by you and with you through it all.