Balanced Relationship Model

*Prologue: I believe that there are some problems that both men and women face in love, sex, and romantic relationships that are unique to our current society and times. We'll breakdown and address those challenges in other posts on this blog. This particular post focuses on the ideal relationship model that holds true regardless of the times we live in.

An ideal, healthy relationship model is comprised of 3 major components; Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment.

First and foremost you need Passion. Women will often describe this as “chemistry” or “butterflies”. Men usually experience passion in the form of great sex and a “can’t get enough of her” feeling. In both cases they feel physically drawn to one another.  Nothing else matters except the next time you get to see this person. Both men and women have described this experience as a “drug” and for intents and purpose, passion is an addiction.

(Passion is a necessary fire to start a healthy relationship. This is the probably the main component that most relationships are missing today, but that will be addressed in a separate post.)

The next component you need is Intimacy. This is sometimes confused with feelings of passion. But intimacy is where you feel an emotional connection with someone; often times you feel as if you’ve known this person before or you’ve met in a different lifetime. Universally people have described it as, “I was meant to meet this person”. You feel completely comfortable and close almost immediately upon the first meeting. Time flies by when you’re talking to each other. You want to spend as much time together as possible.

The third component needed is Commitment. This is a sense of loyalty or duty to a single person. You know that you are there for each other through “sickness and in health”. Commitment allows you to be free to “be yourself” around this person, knowing that they are with you even when you don’t look your best and despite all your flaws. For women, the feeling of commitment is what allows them to feel secure enough to start a family and have children. Commitment is an unspoken trust that the person will be faithful to you.

Nearly all relationships will have all 3 of these major components in varying degrees. However, problems arise when these components are out of balanced.

High Passion, Low Intimacy, Low Commitment
If you have passion, but no intimacy or commitment, then that would be just a physical relationship such as a one night stand. Sometimes women who have affairs with married men will experience this type of relationship. Women may feel some level of intimacy but because passion is such a vital component for men, his desires and appreciation for the sexual satisfaction may come across as intimacy to women.


High Intimacy, Low Passion, Low Commitment
This is basically a very good friendship. MANY men across the world knows how this feels; it’s called the dreaded “friend zone”. They’re always the friend and never the boyfriend. Women will feel very close to these guys but they don’t feel any sexual or romantic attraction towards them.


High Commitment, Low Passion, Low Intimacy
This is very common among married couples during the last few years right before a divorce. They are roommates who may be great parents and good domestic partners, but the marriage is basically dead.  It’s an empty relationship. "Boredom" is the symptom most often described by women.  "Lack of good sex" and "lack of appreciation" is what is most often described by men.

Unfortunately this is probably the most common of relationships today among marriages. This is often called “settling”; we are brain washed to believe that commitment is the only component that counts and thousands of people take that advice only to end up miserable and unhappy within 5-7 years.  This is also one of the most common mistakes men make today as they offer a high level of commitment to a woman hoping to earn passion; this also leads to the dreaded "friend zone'.  We will dive into the specifics in separate posts.

Some relationships may have 2 out of the 3 components:

High Passion, High Intimacy, Low Commitment
This is the classic relationship model that defines most extramarital affairs. By far this is the most addictive and destructive of all the relationship types, but also the most satisfying and memorable.  Another term to describe this is the “Romeo and Juliet” syndrome. Obstacles such as distance, family objections, or any number of outside forces will make the passion and intimacy even more intense. Ending this type of relationship is often described as worst than actual physical pain.


High Commitment, High Passion, Low Intimacy
The least common among all the relationship models, this relationship type is when a couple stays together because they have a great sex life. They usually lead separate lives and do not share much other than a healthy sexual relationship and a commitment to stay together. They do genuinely care for one another and love each other but in a “close friend” type of way. With this type of relationship there are usually no children involved and/or the children are grown.


High Intimacy, High Commitment, Low Passion
This is mostly seen in very old couples who have been married for 40 or 50 years. They haven’t had sex in a many years but their love and commitment for one another is apparent for all to see.

While this brings many “Awww’s” from people, what is most often overlooked is that for the majority of their relationship, this couple had High Passion, High Intimacy, and High Commitment. While age and nature has eventually taken away the need for physical passion over time, it doesn’t mean that these couples would have made it this far without it.


Which brings us to the main point of this post: In order to have a healthy balanced relationship, a couple must have all 3 components. Yes, I understand that life challenges (jobs, children, sickness, etc) will affect each of these pillars in one way or another. That’s not what I’m talking about. What is vital is that these pieces are there in the beginning of your relationship and that both the man and the woman strive to keep a balance of all 3.

The crucial mistake that people make is to claim that one or more of these components aren’t necessary. Unfortunately we have volumes of books, magazines, and talk shows that try to tell us that and it send us all down a path to unhappy relationships.

The second equally crucial mistake that people make is to believe that one component can make up for the other two. For example, women often think that a guy who has high commitment value can make up for the lack of passion or intimacy. Ask any woman who has been in one of those types of relationships and ask her how it worked out.

These 3 components are the framework that all healthy, long lasting relationships are built upon. One isn’t more important than the other and one can never make up for the lack of the other two.