Fear

"Limits, like fears, are often just an illusion."
~ Michael Jordan

In our last post we discussed how Desperation is the cause for most of men's failures when it comes to women and the bad behaviors they put up with in relationships. This post will discuss the creator of that desperation: Fear.

Fear leads to desperation.

This is one of the most complex topics because fears are learned at such a young age that it is imbedded in every facet of the psyche. It is so ingrained that to unravel it takes a considerable amount of time and success to counter all the years of conditioning.



Fear is the seed of male brain washing.  Fear is the basic driver for why Nice Guys Always Finish Last and why so many men don't know When To Walk Away from bad relationships with toxic women. Each guy who has problems with dating or relationships suffer from some level of fear.  While the symptoms may manifest itself differently depending on the personality of the guy, fear is the foundation of most of the problems men have with women. 
 
One book that I feel is mandatory reading for every guy today is, No More Mr. Nice Guy.  This book goes in-depth about how men today are raised to be subserviant to women.  The author, Robert Glover, goes into how that not only affects their interactions with women but it also prevents them from integrating properly into normal society.  As a result many men walk around in constant fear that they're not good enough.  He has some excellent exercises and strategies on how to reverse this mindset.  I highly recommend this book.
 
From a relationship and dating stand-point, here are some typical fear based thoughts that men have:

1. She is too beautiful and is out of my league.
2. I think that sex is strictly a favor that women do for men.
3. I'm afraid to a kiss a woman because she might be offended.
4. I'm too old.
5. I'm too young.
6. I'm not rich enough, handsome enough, tall enough, funny enough, social enough, "insert characteristic of choice" enough for women to like me.
7. I'm not good enough for women unless I take care of their every need, buy them things, be understanding, patient, compromising, flexible and never argue with them even when my own needs aren't met.
8. I need to always apologize to women whenever they throw a tantrum. 
9. I better not say anything too risky or else I might offend women.
10. I don't want women to think I'm just like every other guy who only wants sex.
11. I don't want to disagree with anything a woman says or does.
12. I care about what women think of me and would be devastated if they don't approve of what I'm doing or saying.

These fears become so ingrained that it becomes a part of your existence.  Your actions or lack thereof stems from these unrealistic fears.  Fears like these may result in men suffering from:

1. Depression
2. Sexual Dysfunction
3. Extremely Negative Outlook
4. Anger and Violence Issues
5. Heavy Drinking or Drugs
6. Trouble Sleeping
7. Deep Seeded Hatred Towards Women

If there is one thing I want you guys to take away from this post is that ALL of your internal fears are completely and utterly FALSE.  None of what you think about how you fit into this world is true.

You are a man. You are born to be the leader in a romantic relationship. You have the right to have beautiful and good women in your life.  You have the right to have expectations and standards.  If you let fear rule your life, you'll just end up taking whoever comes along.  A real man's life is not ruled by anyone.  He doesn't need anyone's approval.  People seek his approval.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something or be somebody.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are less than someone else or that you're not worthy of a passionate and happy life.  Don't let your irrational fears and perceived weaknesses be an excuse.  There are no excuses.

We all have areas in our life that needs improvement. A key factor in being a strong man is recognizing those areas and doing everything in your power to strengthen those weaknesses. If you aren't happy with an area in your life, then go out and learn how to improve on it and don't stop till you're happy with the results. Anyone can be good at anything if you put in enough effort and willpower. Any weakness can be overcome or lessened with hard work. 

Every fear that have kept you from succeeding with women are false.  100% false.  It is completely up to you how much work you want to put in to overcome those fears and find success.  If you don't want to put in the work and want to take shortcuts then that is something you need to own up to, but don't make excuses and claim that you're "unlucky" or how other guys "have it easier".  Everyone pays their dues, one way or another.

Here is what FEAR really means:

F.alse

E.vidence
A.ppearing
R.eal

You have a lot more control over all aspects of your life than you think.  Whether you are 15 or 50, it is never too soon or too late to strive to be a stronger man.  It is this internal strength, will power, and clarity that all women, from all walks of life, will be innately attracted to.


"Back in high school and college, when I wanted to ask a woman out, I would first spend several weeks thinking about her. I would imagine what it would be like to be with her. My fear, self-limiting beliefs, and lack of skills prevented me from just approaching her and asking her out.

When I finally got up the nerve to approach the woman I had been obsessing about, I would wait until the last minute, walk up to her awkwardly and blurt out something like, "I don't guess you would want to go out with me tonight, would you?" She would usually respond with a look of surprise and say something like, "Oh, I already have plans for tonight." Then I would feel foolish, retreat, and never talk to her again. When I did succeed getting a girlfriend, I would hang on to her forever because I didn't want to repeat the process of having to start dating all over again."

~ Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy

Desperation

No, she isn't "special".

No, it's not because we don't "understand your special connection".

No, it's not because you feel "it's worth taking the chance".

No, she isn't an "amazing woman".  She is only amazing to YOU because you've had little to no success with other women.


Now that we have that out of the way, let's get to it.....


As with most things in life, not doing the right things (usually that means the difficult things) often leads to negative consequences. In this blog we've discussed how Nice Guys Finish Last and how most men today walk around carrying these Common Myths that have virtually destroyed their dating life.

Most guys are either too stubborn or too lazy….or both….and they refuse to put in the work necessary to change how they think or behave. There are only two possible end results to this path:

1. Either you're always alone or...
2. You end up "getting lucky" and landing that all important girlfriend that becomes the center of your world.

This post will address the latter and the ensuing acts of desperation that follows.

When you have no understanding of how women's attraction triggers work, you'll end up with one of these 4 Types of Women Who Will Date a Nice Guy. She will be the center of your world and your only reason for living because you've had years of little to no success. This creates a vortex of desperation that dominates your entire relationship. The symptoms of this type of relationship are:

• You are in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong things because she may leave you.
• You are ultra-sensitive to her every need; anything she wants, you'll get it or do it for her.
• You are easily hurt by anything she says that remotely shows she doesn't feel about you in the enormous way you feel about her.
• You feel that you are the luckiest man in the world to have her, even though you have had very little experience with other women to compare her to.
• You constantly think about how she feels but she rarely, if ever, takes your feelings into consideration.
• You put up with bad behavior from her such as unreasonable demands, temper tantrums, and using other men to make you jealous. Even though you don't feel this is right, you talk yourself into putting up with it and you end up making excuses for her.

These symptoms are indicative of a man who fears losing the woman because he does not know when the next woman will "give him a shot" again. This is the very core definition of "Desperation". When this happens, regardless of what the woman does, the man will never leave her. In fact, in most cases, the woman ends up leaving and the guy devotes all his time to getting her back…without any success.

The saddest, most pathetic level that a man can reach is when he is in a position where losing her CANNOT be an option. When a man reaches this point in his life, he has lost the very essence of being a man. When a man reaches this low point, everything else in his life will eventually fall apart.

The diagram below illustrates the thought process that men have when they're in a relationship based on desperation. Click on the chart for a larger view:

In an earlier post we discussed about Knowing When To Walk Away.  However, if you're in a desperate state of mind as illustrated in the chart above, then you're going to stay no matter how much the woman shits on you because you have no where else to go.  That is a special kind of hell that is absolutely unnecessary because life doesn't have to be that way. 

Throughout this blog there are posts here that will help you understand why you've ended up in this position and how to undo the brain washing that's plagued you for so long.  Only when you stop doing what you've been doing and learn to interact with women differently will you find success with beautiful and loving women.

Immediate Course of Action

1) Cease ALL contact

2) Burn ALL possible contact information

3) Cease ALL contact IMMEDIATELY

- No, you don't need "closure"

- No, she doesn't need you

- No, there isn't a misunderstanding

- No, you can't be friends

- No, you're not going to "leave it up to her"

- No, you're not going to answer if she reaches out to you and makes you feel guilty

So once again...burn all contact information and cease all communication....not tomorrow....NOW.

Recommended Reading

1) How To Fall Out Of Love

2) Getting Past Your Breakup

Knowing When To Walk Away

"Behind every great man is a great woman"
~Unknown

There are many vital things that women, particularly loving, loyal, and good women, bring into a man's life that can make an enormously positive impact.  As with most things in life the opposite is also true.  Behind the downfall of every man (great or not) is most often times a woman.

I've seen many men's lives destroyed by a single relationship equal to those of drug addicts or alcoholics.  This post will primarily focus on when you should walk away from a relationship. 


The mentality of most men today, especially the ones who have had little to no success with women, is "I just want a girlfriend or wife".   Most men have lived with these Common Myths most of their lives and if they should "get lucky" and land a relationship, the woman becomes the center of his world.  He is so happy to not be alone that he will do anything to hold onto her...no matter what.

Due to inexperience, most men don't know when they have driven attraction and challenge out of their relationships.  Even worse, most men don't know when they're with a woman with core character flaws. (In a separate post we'll dissect specific character flaws and how to spot them).

For the purpose of this post, it doesn't matter if the woman has great character traits or has horrible character traits.  The only thing you need to understand and accept is that if you see any of these signs in your relationship, she has already mentally and emotionally moved on and/or is preparing herself to move on.

A man will think that the following factors indicate the beginning of her unhappiness but in reality this is at the end of her thought process and the woman is essentially already gone.  Unfortunately most men today hold on out of desperation and cluelessness and believe they can resuscitate their relationship, when the woman inevitably leaves, the man is left completely shocked and dumbfounded.


Time

When a woman's attraction drops, the first thing that goes is her time. All of a sudden she is busier than usual and she has less and less time for you. You see her less, you talk to her less, and your conversations are usually less "fluid" even when you do talk.

Often times a woman seems to have less time for you because she is out with friends, spending more time at work, or doing other hobbies. But she really isn't "busy" as she claims. She just wants to spend less time with you.

Once time goes, other things are sure to follow and it all leads to her eventually breaking up with you. You're just too blind to see it because at this point, she has convinced you that she really is just "busy".


Accountability

When a woman's attraction for you starts to slide, her accountability to you and the relationship starts to slide as well.  Some examples are:

1. She calls you much less, especially when she is out or traveling.
2. She doesn't return your calls or texts as often as before.
3. She puts herself in situations that jeopardize your relationship such as going to clubs, pool parties, getting drunk around other guys, having girl's nights out and behaving as if she was single, etc.
4. She is no longer forth coming about details of her activities.  Women who are faithful and still attracted to you will naturally tell you details about what she did and who she was with because she has nothing to hide.  Women love to share but that's one of the first things that go when she is no longer happy in her relationship.

By nature, women who respect you will want to feel responsible to you.  Women who say things such as, "I don't need your permission to do anything" or have that general attitude is a woman who is on her way out.


Priority

Similar to "Accountability", when a woman is challenged by a man, feels deep attraction, and has her heart into the relationship she will make you her priority.  Work, family, or friends won't take priority over you because she naturally wants to give you first priority. 

Feminists have helped ruined many happy relationships for women by convincing them that they need to show their independence and not give up anything for a man (We'll discuss how women have empowered themselves out of healthy and happy relationships in a separate post).  But despite that, women will naturally want to put you first when she's happy in her relationship. 

If you find that she's cancelling dates or putting other people's feelings, needs and wants above yours all the time, then your relationship will most likely end very soon.


Misunderstandings

Women who are pulling away from you always seem to have "misunderstandings" that come up.  The misunderstandings can come in various forms but the common denominator is that your interest or feelings are put into jeopardy.  The main key is that when women explain these "misunderstandings", the excuses are always probable but very unlikely. 

The bottom line is it puts you in an unfair position where you're a fool if you believe the excuse but you seem like a jerk if you don't.  You're put into this position even though you had nothing to do with her actions or the event.  

You'll find that when a woman is attracted to you and committed to the relationship, these "misunderstandings" rarely occur, if ever.  The lack of time, lack of accountability and your reduction in her priority list is what causes these "misunderstandings" because you're feeling the slide and she is trying to convince you otherwise.


Sex/Affection

This is a very obvious and basic sign that a woman is starting to withdrawal from you and the relationship.  Sex will become less frequent but more importantly, her affection for you will clearly diminish.  Her public affection for you will go first.  Then even at home whereas before she would lay on you when she sleeps, she'll sleep clear on the other side of the bed.  If she gave you massages before, that will be non-existent.  If she used to kiss you for no reason, now she only kisses you hello or goodbye.  These are of course common indicators but there will be many other small things that is specific to each couple.

These little things women can't hide.  Subconsciously they don't want to.  All these signs are an indication of her declining feelings for you and a clear indicator of her impending exit from the relationship.


Male Friends

Women who are pulling away will always have an increase in male friends.  The fact is, when a woman starts to pull away she will start to put herself in positions to meet other men. They'll claim they're just friends but they're reveling in the attention and deciding who they'll be moving onto next.  Of course all the while she'll be keeping you around for comfort and security.

This is usually the last step before she gives you the "I need space" speech.  You'll find that women who are about to leave their relationship always display a lot of the traits that are Building Blocks of Affairs.


Common Verbal Cues:

When women are ready to leave a relationship, there are universal physical indicators as we've outlined above.  There are also verbal cues that most women express when they're looking to "let you down easy".

The following are common verbal expressions that women will tell you when they're on their way out.  But of course, like most female communication deliveries, it won't be clear to you.  The right column in the chart below shows the translation.

*Click on the table for a larger view

Women Will Punish You For Your Weakness

Ask any "nice guy" who has ever been blindsided by a woman leaving a relationship and he'll be able to testify to the cruelty of women.  The truth of the matter is, women are only cruel when they feel distain for you.  And nothing brings out women's distain faster than a man showing weakness; a man who is spineless, a man who cannot stand by his principles, or flat out has no principles at all. 

By and large women are pretty nice about it when they leave you the first time.  But if you're foolish enough to stick around or take her back then each subsequent break-up will be increasingly cruel.  Women will punish you for your weaknesses.  They won't consciously think of it that way, but the "heartlessness" that you experience is a direct result from her contempt for your weak willed behaviors and your inability to walk away like a man.

Reasons Why Guys Can't Leave

There is only one single reason why men cannot walk away from a relationship when the woman is showing some or all of those signs above: Desperation.  In our next couple of posts we'll dive into what contributes to the disease of Desperation and how a lot of men talk themselves into staying in the relationship out of Fear that they won't be able to find another woman.


If you notice your woman showing one or more of those indicators as listed above, she is on her way out and has already prepared herself to leave.  Chances are you've stopped being a man and you've displayed too many Nice Guy weaknesses.  The fact that she is leaving is already settled.  The only question left is do you walk away with some dignity before she leaves you?   

In other words, will your last act in the relationship be that of a strong man or will your final decision of staying out of fear and desperation remind her of why she was right to leave you in the first place?

Recommended Reading

1) "Standards" by Susan J. Elliot

Common Myths

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results."
~ Benjamin Franklin


In this blog I often refer to the "brain washing or wussification of men".  This brain washing is insidious; it's very consistent and amazingly universal.  I've worked with guys from all parts of the world and each one of them practically share the same issues when it comes to their fears and misconceptions about women.  If you survey any good dating coaches they'll also tell you that they hear the same type of false beliefs.

Like a virus, the following false beliefs have spread to men all across the world and have led countless men down a path of confusion, frustration, and loneliness.


1. There's this one girl.....

90% of men who seek any type of dating advice have "this one girl" that they have been pining for and could never get.  There's always "this one girl" in class, at the gym, at the cafe, at work, or a female friend they've known for awhile, etc.

The cold hard truth is: She will never see you as more than a friend. Never. Ever.

Ever.

And no....she isn't "special".  She is not different from every other girl.  You don't have a deep connection.   And one day she won't see that you're the best man for her.

You only think she's special because she was one of the very few women you've met that just happened to be nice to you.  She was just being polite or treated you like a friend but because you aren't used to any attention from women and you aren't used to seeing real attraction, you think she's got to be the one you've been waiting for.

The problem isn't "that one girl".  The problem lies within your own misconceptions about what woman are attracted to.  You have to first understand that Nice Guys Always Finish Last.

Let's say you're a baseball player and I'm your coach.  You come to me one day and say, "Coach, there's this one pitcher that I just can't seem to get a home run off of, can you help me?"

I'm going to tell you: "The problem isn't that you can't hit a home run off that one pitcher, the problem is that you're a crappy baseball player.  You can't hit a home run off ANY pitcher.  So the solution here isn't to worry about that one pitcher but to work on your entire game.  You'll come to practice, you'll go play real games against other pitchers, and you'll improve as a player.  Then you won't care about that one pitcher because you'll be hitting home runs off other pitchers consistently."

I assure you that if you stubbornly continue to insist that you're meant to be with "that one girl", you'll find yourself watching her walk away with a guy that you'll think is a loser.  But he isn't a loser in her eyes because he will understand what you don't at this moment, which is how to relate to women in a way that will spike attraction not mute it.


2. OK...so if I can't get "that one girl" right now, how about if I improve myself and then give it another shot?

The short and simple answer is that once a woman puts you into the "friend zone", you're staying there forever.  Once a woman sees that you show her a lot of interest and that you value her more than she values you, she will lose all attraction for you.

For a more detailed answer, I felt that someone already illustrated this much better.  The following illustration is The Ladder Theory and a link to the detailed description:

The Ladder Theory: The Woman's Ladder  (scroll down a bit once you click on the link).  His rhetoric is a little crass but the core material is very true.


3. Where is the best place to meet women?

Similar to the root cause of the two preceding questions, the problem isn't location, it's your ability to attract women.  If you have the correct mindset and skills to interact with women successfully, you can literally attract women anywhere; at school, at work, at a bar, at a lounge, at a coffee shop, at a sandwich shop, at a friend's party, at a stranger's party.......anywhere.

Let me flip the question in a way that you'll understand from a man's point of view:  Where is the best place for a woman to wear a tight, low cut tank top and short skirt so that you'll feel attraction for her?

Anywhere.  Right?

But if a woman is overweight or unattractive, does it matter where she is?  Will your level of attraction for her change depending on the venue?

Women's attraction triggers, like yours, never truly "turn off".  A woman, especially one who is single or unhappy in a relationship, is always constantly open to meeting men who "get it"....just like you're always looking for a woman with a pretty face and nice body.

Attraction triggers are not dependent on location. Women are attracted to men who "get it" and it doesn't matter where they meet. The fact that you're asking this question already shows that you don't get it.  Women can sense that from a mile away.

Location is irrelevant.


4. The desire to want a woman that is physically beautiful and in good shape is "shallow".

This one myth is the bedrock of male brain washing.  This little seed took away the one thing that allowed men to be on an even playing level with women.  When men were free to feel that they needed, required, and expected women to be physically beautiful, it was the one thing that women had to compete with other women against.  This balanced out the game because men naturally knew they had to compete with other men for a woman.

More importantly if men were easily drawn by beauty and felt the desire to pursue it, then women knew that beauty alone wasn't enough to hold a guy.  This forced women to develop good character traits in addition to staying in good shape.  There was a standard that balanced out the game.

Today, men have built in trip wires to feel they are being "shallow" if they expect a woman to be physically beautiful before dating her or committing to her.  Let me ask you, do you even know why you feel this way?  I bet you that you don't.  (I'll address the common "reasons" how this myth is sold to you in a separate post).

Beauty is a very real and important attraction trigger for men.  This is absolutely nothing that you should ever be ashamed of.  Women have their natural requirements that men need to meet in order for them to feel sexual attraction.  Men have them too and physical beauty is on top of the list.

NEVER be ashamed to want a woman who takes care of herself physically.  You should not only want it, you should expect it.   Desirable women take care of their outward qualities as much as their inner qualities.

When it comes to attraction triggers as important as physical beauty, there is no such thing as "shallow".  That is a word invented to keep you feeling ashamed of your natural needs and requirements, which contributes to many men feeling ashamed to be a man.


5. I don't want to play games.

And this is why you're losing at the game of dating and relationships.

Girls, by the time they're 8 years old, are already starting to compile data about social interactions.  By junior high, socially they're already head and shoulders above boys 5 years older than them.  They have better built-in instincts because ever since they grew breasts they understood the power they have over boys and they've had a lot of practice on how to wield that power.

So here you come, at 14 or 15 years old, you look up from your video games and realize you want to have sex.  Then after years of no success, at 25, 35, 45, or 55 years old you then say you don't want to play games.

Right.

If you don't understand or refuse to accept that this is a game, then women will gladly play you.  And yes...women who say "I don't want to play games" are playing you.


6. I just want to be myself.

It is common knowledge that most people are not born to be good public speakers.  Obviously there is a small percentage of people who are born with intrinsic talents where it will allow them to be very good public speakers naturally.  If one of those rare people express nervousness before a big speech, it would be appropriate for me to tell him to "just be yourself".

For the rest of us we'll need training, practice, constant exposure, and improvement to be good public speakers.  This is absolutely no different when it comes to the ability to interact and attract women.

"Just be yourself" is one of the most useless and lazy piece of advice ever uttered.  You, at this very moment, are not your best self.  You do not possess the skill to be sexually appealing to women in general.  This is why you are where you are.

If "being yourself" is good enough to attract women, then you'd be having sex with beautiful women consistently.  You're not.  So learn to tune out this advice.  It has contributed to your stalemate and lack of growth.


7. I have to make a lot of money to attract women.

Young boys today are raised to be "providers" and not "lovers".  (We'll dive into the clear distinctions between providers and lovers in a separate post).

This is why so many men find themselves 45 years old, divorced, having no idea what just happened, and being nothing more than a walking checkbook.

This is why many men feel they have to take women to fancy dinners, buy gifts, pay their bills and generally try to buy a woman's love and affection.  Many men believe they have to buy their way into a woman's bed.  It is such a common myth that it is accepted without question.

Money is an attraction trigger, but not for the reasons you think it is.  Money generally equals power, ambition, or both.  Power and ambition are huge attraction triggers for women.  Money, in itself, is worthless as a real attraction trigger.  If I gave a "nice guy", who doesn't understand women dynamics, two million dollars he will get a few women he cannot get today, but they'll empty his wallet and then leave him.

Money, in itself, will not buy you the love and affection you so badly crave.  You may get a little more sex, but it won't be anything like the kind of sex that comes from a woman who feels genuine, gut-level passion for you.

You don't need to make a lot of money to have and keep beautiful women in your life.  If you make a lot of money, do it because you have a passion to build wealth.  But it will be no replacement for understanding women dynamics.  Each of you reading this knows at least one guy who doesn't have a dime to his name but can get women that you've always wanted.  And you find yourself asking, Why Do Women Fall For Assholes?

Obviously I'm not encouraging poverty.  Whatever career or financial security you want to achieve for yourself should meet YOUR own level of standards.  As long as you're reasonably comfortable then money is a non-issue when it comes to women.  Money is not a short cut to getting the kind of women you want.  You'll be disappointed unless you improve your dating skills along with your bank account balance.


8. Sex is a favor that women do for men.

This one myth is why so many men would rather be locked up in a sealed trunk with rabid rats than face the moment before they have to kiss a woman.

This one myth is why so many men are willing to jump through any amount of hoops in order to have a shot at sleeping with a woman.

This one myth is why the term "getting lucky" was invented.

What's not a myth is that women love sex.  A lot.  Women have sexual fantasies.  A lot.  Women talk about sex.  A lot.  Women love to be kissed.  A lot.

But they don't want to be kissed by a guy who feels unworthy.  They most certainly wouldn't have sex with him.  Men who "don't get it" exude a fear and nervousness that kills any attraction the woman may feel.

Women want to have sex with men who don't have sexual hang ups.  Women want to have sex with men who don't think it's a favor.  Women want to have sex with men who refuse to allow sex to be used as a form of punishment and reward.

Sex is an exciting, sensual, erotic, and beautiful experience that is a necessary requirement for both men and women alike.  Women need it within a different context than men do.  And certainly what men get out of sex is different than what women get out of it.  But it is still wanted and still desired.  If you as a man don't get that, then you'll find yourself begging for sex for the rest of your life.


9. I need to always "be there" for a woman.

Women have an amazing ability to create drama in their life.  Nice, desperate guys are always there for women, playing Superman, and trying to fix every problem.  Men, who get it, expect that women take care of their own responsibilities.  Women say "thank you" to the former and have sex with the latter.

Unless you're in a serious, committed relationship you have no responsibility to "be there" for a woman in the hopes that she's going to want to sleep with you or develop romantic feelings for you.  I promise you she won't do neither.

Men who are good with women know when to "be there" and when to let the woman take care of her own problems.  Most of you reading this right now don't know the difference.  So don't do it.  She won't see you as being a guy she'll want as a boyfriend.  She'll see right through your agenda and realize that you're weak and desperate because you're inappropriately trying to do too much to earn her affections.


10. She is too beautiful to talk to me.

If you think she's out of your league, then you are absolutely correct, she is.....not because she is so special but because a man who thinks like that is obviously a product of misconceptions, desperation, failures, and insecurities.  A man like that is not in any woman's league.

This mindset is an accumulation of many of the above myths resulting in a shell of a man walking around and always feeling he isn't good enough.  The moment he sees a beautiful woman every misconception and myth he is carrying fires off at once like a perfectly timed explosion.  The result? Crippling fear based on years of failure.

Women don't know this of course.  They just see the end result:  Leering.  Starring.  Serious faces.  Rigid body posture. Maybe a "hi", then the exit.

If you think that a woman is too beautiful for you, then you have a lot of other areas that you need to improve on because there is no one solution for this myth.  Beautiful women aren't out of your league, you most likely aren't even playing the game.


11. I need to tell a woman how I feel.

This is an easy one.  If a woman hasn't shown any sexual attraction towards you and you feel that telling her exactly how you feel about her will change that....you will be dead wrong.  Every time.

The woman already knows how you feel.  She knew it from the day she met you.  That's why she doesn't have any sexual feelings for you because the challenge was over before it began.  Plus she could smell the insecurities you were exhibiting every time she was in your presence.

So you became "friends" and now she will always be referred to as, "there's this one girl..."



If you haven't watched the movie Inception then I highly recommend it because it does a great job in illustrating what happens when an idea is planted in our mind. The great majority of people never question why they believe something and they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. There is no greater example of this than when it comes to the false beliefs that the majority of men carry about how to attract women.

Rights vs Common Sense

My closest friend, Bruce, used to work at a movie theater when we were about 20 years old.  Part of his job was to screen movies at midnight on the day prior to its public release to ensure that everything will play well.  As you can imagine this was an awesome perk for his friends.   We had another very good friend, Peter, who routinely joined us in these midnight screenings.

Peter would walk into the silent, empty theater and take a middle seat in the center isle.  Bruce and I would walk in with our gigantic bags of popcorn and sit right next to him, one on each side, fighting him for elbow space and acting as if every other seat in the house was taken.  Peter yelling, "Do you guys have to sit RIGHT NEXT to me??!!" echoed through the empty theater every week without fail.

Did we have the right to sit where we want? Sure. But did it make common sense?

Of course this was hilarious to us back then.....actually it's still pretty funny to us today because we haven't grown up mentally very much. But thanks to our ultra-sensitive, politically correct way of thinking over the last 20+ years, our country's collective mentality is just as stunted.

By no stretch of the imagination am I a political person; but the idea of building a mosque 2 blocks away from the horrific site of 9/11 should truly be mind numbing to any reasonable and logical person. Do they have the right to build a place of worship anywhere they want? Sure.  But does it make common sense?

I get the arguments -  "It was extremist that carried out the 9/11 attacks, not Muslims".  "They believed in a warped version of the religion and Muslims should not be punished for the acts of lunatics from their country". No one is saying they can't practice their religion or build as many mosques as they want, but why aren't the Muslim community exercising common sense?


What Are The Positive Gains?

President Obama said, "As a citizen and a President, I believe that Muslims have the same right to practise their religion as anyone else in this country. That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community centre on private property in lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances."

What Obama is saying is that they have the right to build it, I'm asking, "Should they?"  Is it the right thing to do? Look at it this way, say a Chinese person came into an office building and in the name of Buddha opens fire with a machine gun killing 20 employees.  Then a year later I decided that I want to build a Buddhist Temple right next to that office building.  Does that seem right or just to anyone? Would I lose anything if I built the Buddhist Temple 10 miles from that office building?

What I want to ask the Muslim community is simply this: "What do you gain from building the mosque 2 blocks from 9/11 that you would lose if you built it 10 miles from it?"

Nothing.  You gain absolutely nothing.  But you'll lose a lot.

I keep hearing that Muslims want the world to know they do not condone the 9/11 attacks.  I keep hearing that they want to promote healing and unity.  Well guess what?  This isn't the way to do it.   People like me who never thought badly of the Muslim community will do so now given this decision.


True Healing

This mosque they are planning on building is supposed to be state of the art and luxurious - it's going to have a swimming pool, gym, basketball court, 500-seat auditorium, a restaurant and cooking school, exhibition space, a library, an arts studio, and child care center.  And I think that's terrific.  But if I were in the Muslim community's situation, I would instead propose that the money be used to build a community center for New York having nothing to do with religion or worship of any kind.

If you really wanted to show the world that you are about unity and healing, why wouldn't you take that money and build a place that would benefit all of New York?  Show the world that you mean what you say.  As always in life, actions speak louder than worlds.

Building a mosque 2 blocks from 9/11 is the complete opposite of healing.   It leads to things like this: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39081887/ns/business-careers


Anyone that knows me personally or even those who have read my blog knows that I am the strongest advocate against political correctness and creating an ultra-sensitive society.  This is not about "sensitivity" towards the families of those who died in 9/11; it's about common sense and it's about decency.

We have to ask the question, "Do you guys have to build it RIGHT NEXT to the grounds of 9/11?"

THIS Will Not End Well.....

I laugh my ass off every time I look at this picture.

Cheating and Affairs

With the exception of having children, there isn't a single event that can permanently alter an otherwise healthy relationship than having an affair.  There have been volumes of articles and books written about the topic of cheating.  There have been countless studies done about why people cheat, why men cheat, why women cheat, etc. etc. etc.

Now I can regurgitate those topics and talk about who cheats more and who has more opportunity, but in the end those topics get us no where.  The fact is, if a man or a woman wants to cheat because they are sexually or emotionally unhappy or need constant reassurance, then there isn't anything that their partner can do about it.  

Instead, what I want to discuss today is something that is rarely talked about: Responsibility.  Next time when you read a relationship article on Cosmo, Redbook, GQ, MSN, or Yahoo, count how many times the word "responsibility" comes up.  We're very good at talking about our "rights" but we never talk about our responsibility when being in a committed relationship.

It isn't your partner's job to be vigilant in keeping you from having an affair...it's yours.   What a novel thought, eh?   Yes...it is YOUR responsibility in keeping yourself from situations where cheating becomes a higher risk than it has to be.  When people cheat, the most commonly heard phrase is, "I never meant for it to happen".  While that is no excuse, there is some validity to that statement because often times those people actually entered into a situation with no intentions to cheat.  But they played with fire and lost control to their emotions and sexual drives.

I'll quote a good friend of mine on this topic: "We always underestimate human nature and overestimate ourselves."


Building Blocks of Affairs

Cheating is a lot like dating; rarely do you jump right into sex.  You have to spend a bit of time together and form connections, especially for women.  The most common forms of date-like activities we do that are building blocks of affairs are:

1) Happy hour after work.
2) One on one lunches or dinners with the opposite sex.
3) Personal conversations that include topics about hobbies, sex, what you like or don't like in a relationship. 
4) Trading flirty emails or texts.
5) Going to parties without your partner.
6) Turning to a friend of the opposite sex when you have an argument with your partner.

This isn't about ignoring people, obviously every one of us interact with people of the opposite sex everyday through work and various social groups.  This is about not setting the stages and forming "friendships" that will lead to affairs when the right event or situation occurs.   In a separate post we'll address why men and women can't "just be friends".

To put it simply: Don't behave like a single person when you're in a relationship.


Events Where Affairs Can Happen

Often times the building blocks that are discussed above will culminate when people are thrown together in an event where they have a long length of time together.  These events can be:

1) Business trips with co-workers of the opposite sex
2) Company conferences or events that require you to be away for several days
3) Co-ed trips of any sort
4) Vacations without your partner

Events such as guys or girls night out at clubs or drinking heavily in any event should be obvious.  It you don't understand why that isn't conducive to a healthy relationship, then you're not relationship material and would be a bad investment of anyone's time.

If the first thing you think about when reading this is, "You just want people to be isolated!", then you are the very people who would have an affair and say, "I didn't mean for it to happen!", because you don't understand the concept of responsibility.  This isn't about isolating yourself, it's about behaving responsibly when you're in situations that cannot be avoided.  For example, you may have to work closely with someone that is attractive, but how you conduct yourself is what counts.


What About Trust?

Trust is a misused word.  Asking someone to trust you when you've put yourself in a high risk situation is the exact opposite of responsibility.  You are putting the burden on someone else to deal with your irresponsible behavior. 

Trust comes into play when you're in a situation that cannot be avoided but you've already proven that you do what you can to prevent situations that are avoidable.  When you ask your partner to trust you, he or she has to have evidence that you have their best interest at heart.  If you've shown that you consistently disregard their feelings and your relationship's well being, then what is there for them to trust you on?


Prevention and Responsibility

It all amounts to how much you love and value not only your partner, but how much you love and value the type of relationship you have. If you honestly feel that it’s something rare, then avoiding temptations shouldn't be difficult.

Every man and woman knows what is right and what is wrong in regards to being in a committed relationship. There are 2 simple questions that people practically never ask themselves.  I promise you that if you and your partner live by these 2 questions, your relationship will be a lot stronger and healthier for it:

1) “If my partner did what I’m thinking about doing, how would I feel?”

2) "If my partner was in this situation, what would I want him or her to do to let me know our relationship is safe?"


You don't decide NOT to cheat at 2am in the morning when you're starring at a hot blonde with her tits hanging out and her hand is on your leg.   You don't decide NOT to cheat when you're huddled in a corner of a dimly lit bar with a charming and interesting man.

You decide NOT to cheat the moment that happy hour invite comes in at 2pm in the afternoon.  You decide NOT to cheat when you turn down that invitation to go to a pool party because your partner can't be there.  You decide NOT to cheat when you tell your co-workers, "no thanks", when asked to go check out the nightlife when you're in Miami for a business trip and instead you go up to your room to call home.

THAT is called responsibility.

The 4 Types Of Women That Will Date Nice Guys

The following is an excerpt from a letter written into an advice column. This is the type of letter that is far more common than most men think:

"I married for support and security. He married for love. ...

"Many times I wished for my freedom but I hung in there. ... As the years passed we grew apart but stayed together. I felt I owed him to try but I grew increasingly more depressed. Now, his drinking is getting worse. I feel guilty even thinking about leaving. He is a good person and I know he loves me, but I don't think I love him anymore."

The above scenario happens most often when a lifetime "nice guy" finally meets a woman that seemingly wants to be with him.  Men who don't understand what actually attracts women physically, emotionally, and mentally will use money or financial security to try to gain those emotions and will fail each time. This post addresses this very real, very common issue.


The most common arguments I've heard when talking about why "nice guys" don't get beautiful, emotionally healthy women are:

1) When women get older, they'll appreciate a nice guy.
2) Women that don't know how to be with a nice guy must not love themselves.
3) These guys just aren't meeting the "right" women.
4) Only younger women go for jerks.

Of course none of it has any truth in reality whatsoever and those excuses have as much validity as saying the Earth is flat. The two previous posts, "Never Listen To What Women Say, Watch What They Do" and "Nice Guys Will Always Finish Last" explains in detail why women will never be sexually attracted to a guy who bends over backwards for her.

However, we cannot ignore the fact that "nice guys" do get girlfriends and often times they even get married.  This post will outline the 4 scenarios that will make a woman want to pick, select, or settle with a nice, stable, and safe guy.


Scenario 1: Women Who Are Overweight and/or Unattractive

If a woman is overweight and/or unattractive, she'll be prone to settle for a nice guy because both parties are desperate. 

Here is the big irony: Neither party is truly attracted to the other.  

The nice guy isn't attracted to the fat and ugly woman; he still feels he deserves the cute, sweet, sexy woman that every other guy wants.  However, he feels those women should look past his needy, pansy behavior and instead see him for what a great guy he is on the inside, yet he won't give the ugly woman the same benefit.

The fat unattractive woman isn't attracted to the wussy, nice guy; she still feels she deserves the challenging, charming, good looking guy that every other girl wants.  However, she feels that those guys should look past her fat exterior and instead see her for how beautiful she is on the inside, yet she won't give the "nice guy" the same benefit.

Neither party is willing to make changes that will make them both be more attractive and have better choices, so they have to settle for each other. Sad and morbid, but still true.


Scenario 2: Women Coming Out of Abusive or Volatile Relationships

This is the most common scenario where an attractive woman settles for a "nice guy".  ("Settle" being the key word here).  At one time or another, beautiful, sexy women will almost always have had a volatile relationship with a really bad guy.  He will either be mentally or physically abusive in some way, cheated on her, and treated her poorly.  She will have given her all to him; physically, mentally, and emotionally in a way that a "nice guy" will never get to experience.

Once this relationship ends, she will want her next boyfriend to be the completely opposite of the jerk.  She may pick that one "friend" that's been patiently chasing her for the last 5 years or some other nice guy that she meets.  This is easy because beautiful women always have "nice guys" floating around waiting for her to "see the light".

She'll pick the nice guy because she doesn't have to work in the relationship; all she has to do is show up and he's happy.  He'll never speak a cross word to her and will always place her on a pedestal.  Once her ego is mended, she'll dump him and he won't understand why.  Sometimes the woman even goes back to her ex-boyfriend who treated her so poorly.

The women who are lucky in this scenario dumps the nice guy and moves on. The women who are unlucky in this scenario will marry the nice guy, have children, and always feel that something is missing.  Inevitably these relationships almost always end up in affairs and divorce while the guy is completely lost and confused. 

With the "nice guys" in these scenarios, there are no "lucky ones". They either get dumped and don't know why or they get married, get slapped with a divorce they don't see coming, and get stripped financially.

In this scenario the man never knows when to walk away because he is so very desperate.


Scenario 3: Women Who Are Past Their Physical Prime

Women who come to the point where they know they can't compete physically anymore will often times pick a "nice guy" to settle down with.  They know these guys have been desperately waiting and working towards finally having a woman see what a great guy he truly is.  Women know that these guys will never leave them....and they would be correct.

Men in this scenario, much like in Scenario #2, will forever walk on eggshells and will have absolutely no control in the relationship.  They will have to beg for sex, affection, love, and respect...which they will get very little of.  They will have to placate to the woman's ever whim.


Scenario 4: Gold Diggers

Although the common imagery of a gold digger are those who hang around celebrities, rock stars, and athletes, there is another level of gold diggers that are less flashy.   The typical image of a gold digger is correct, but these "high end" gold diggers are not as common as people imagine them to be.  They're usually drop dead gorgeous, charming, sexy, intelligent, and carry themselves well.  This is why they have the tools to make a run at men who generally can have any woman they want.  Their goals are disgusting, but they hide that well with a good exterior.

Most women can't compete at that level, but they still can be gold diggers.  For men who have a lot of experience, these "everyday gold diggers" are not hard to spot because they don't have the polish of their higher end counterparts. But lonely, desperate guys won't see them coming.  These women will search for the "nice, safe" guys because they know these men are desperate and can be controlled.  Most "nice guys" have good jobs and have spent their whole life preparing to be a good husband.  They're custom made to be taken advantage of by gold diggers because they have so many weaknesses to leverage, plus they lack any experience in dating to discern that they're being manipulated.


In all 4 scenarios above, the "nice guys" are selected because they look good on paper not because the women actually feel any sexual attraction for them.   To put it in a way that men will understand, it would be the equivalent of you selecting a fat and unattractive woman because you feel that you have to get married and you know she will cook, clean, and make a good housewife.   It doesn't take a relationship expert to know that you wouldn't treat her the same way you would treat a woman who looks like Jessica Alba.

So if you're a young man reading this, you have to ask yourself, do any of the above scenarios sound good to you?  If you subscribe to the feel-good statement that "one day you'll find someone who will love you for you", this is what your options will be.  This is reality guys; you can see these scenarios clearly in your own world if you just open your eyes.

If you don't take the time to understand men/women dynamics and what women are truly attracted to, then you'll forever be working 110% for 1% of her affection, love, and respect.