If you're a guy who...
1) ...is always the friend but never the boyfriend
2) ...treated your girlfriend really well but she broke up with you anyway and now you don't understand why
...then read on because this one's for you.
The basic question that has been debated thousands of times is, "Do nice guys finish last?" and I believe that very few people have arrived at the correct answer because the question is asked incorrectly.
The debate isn't "Nice Guys vs Jerks", it's "Weak Guys vs Strong Guys". In a separate post I'll dive into what are the elements of a "strong guy" but for this post we'll breakdown what are symptoms of a "weak guy". In my foundation post "Ideal Relationship Model", I talked about a core component in any solid relationship: Passion. Most men today have no idea what that is. You can't create passion till you can create attraction and 80% of guys walking around today know nothing about creating attraction in a woman.
When I started to study men/women dynamics, there was very little help out there for guys. Men, young and old, were constantly getting slaughtered in the dating game and left alone, confused, and wondering if they'll ever "just get a girlfriend". Today there are more teachers out there who can genuinely help men who suffered from what I call the "brain washing of men". This brain washing has lead to these Common Myths Most Men Carry All Their Lives.
But regardless of how many books you read or what school of game you subscribe to, there are some basic core issues that you have to deal with if you want to have beautiful, decent, caring, loving women in your life.
These are the most basic of mistakes that a man makes that destroy his chances of ever having a woman feel any sort of sexual attraction towards him:
1) You compliment her excessively and frequently. You basically put her on a pedestal right out of the gate.
2) You try to gain her attraction through buying her dinners and gifts. She may feel some affection and appreciation for you (like a brother), but she'll never ever feel sexual attraction for you.
3) You never want to say or do anything controversial. You are agreeable, considerate, and sensitive to her every need.
4) You are always looking for her approval or permission.
5) You are constantly available. Whenever she calls, texts, or email you are at her beck and call.
6) You never say "No" to anything she asks. You basically "give her the world".
7) You put up with bad behavior from women. They test you with ex-boyfriends, immature demands, emotional mood swings, temper tantrums and you bend over backwards to accommodate.
8) You share "how you feel about her" long before she ever shows any sexual interest in you.
Among all the mistakes that guys make, the last one is the one that puts the nail in their coffin. Even guys with girlfriends do it. There are thousands of men out there that make these mistakes and when the woman says, "I need some space" or starts to have less time for him, the first thing he does is....yep you guessed it....tell her how he feels even more! He thinks, "If ONLY she knew EXACTLY how I felt about her, then she'll feel the same about me." And as every woman can tell you, when a man does this, she simply retreats further.
The above 8 mistakes are the most common symptoms all clueless men make, but the underling disease is Fear. Fear of women. Fear of rejection. You look at a beautiful woman in a coffee shop, at a bar, in a club, at a lounge and you are petrified with fear. You have no idea what to say, your first thoughts are of rejection, anxiety, and you are genuinely worried about what this stranger will think of you. You've made her out to be this perfect human being and therefore you must be beneath her. All this goes through your mind in 5 seconds flat before you even take a step towards her.
And in that situation, what do most men do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So after years of no success, if you happen to "get lucky" and land that all important girlfriend, you begin to value her like she is the center of your world...because in reality...she is. You're Desperate. You fear losing her because you have no idea when the next girl is coming along and you proceed to make all the mistakes that I listed above.
These are the bare bones, basic internal problems of why you aren't successful with women. It isn't because you're not good looking enough, tall enough, rich enough, funny enough, or whatever other excuses you believe. It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 50, these will be the same issues you'll carry throughout the rest of your life if you don't understand how attraction in women really works.
This is not about making you into a jerk, but make no mistake that currently you are weak. Deep down inside you know it and all women you come into contact with know it. Each post under the label "Men's Edition" will be focused on undoing the incorrect thinking and all the misconceptions that you've been raised to believe.
This is a mandatory book for all men trying to "de-brainwash" themselves from their nice guy upbringing: No More Mr. Nice Guy
"Let us understand definitively that sexual attraction is not about being a nice guy, it’s not about showing her how much you care (at first), it’s not about accommodating her whims, it’s not about trying to gain her approval, it’s not about doing what she says she wants, it’s not about liking the things she says she likes, it’s not about begging, giving away your power, getting her phone number, dating for a month before sex, trying to convince her logically, or any of the other common misconceptions about romance that are perpetuated in our social programming by Hollywood movies, Disney cartoons and well-intentioned mothers."
~ Revelation,
Chris Odom
*Follow Up Topic: The 4 Types Of Women That Will Date Nice Guys
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Women's Worst Enemy: Her Ego
Often times we hear that "men have a big ego". It's actually pretty funny to me to hear women say that. Men have a lot of pride, but honestly, very few men on this planet have a big ego. Growing up, most men experience enough set backs, heartbreaks, and get turned down by enough girls to keep us fairly realistic about the realities of life.
Most women, however, have an ego the size of Texas. Let me explain and offer some examples that if you as a woman are reading should recognize pretty clearly.
We'll take the recent headline that a 4th woman came forward claiming that she had an affair with Jesse James, the husband of Sandra Bullock. Now, at the time of this posting, none of the women have given any interviews so officially we don't know why they're all coming forward now. But let me venture this guess:
Nearly every woman who has ever had an affair with a married man (or even a man with a girlfriend) always believes she is the only one. (I cannot help but laugh when I hear this...seriously, truly laugh!). So in this particular case, Michelle McGee is James' most recent mistress and she believed him when he told her that either:
A) He is going to or already has left Bullock.
B) She is the woman of his dreams and she is more special than any other woman he's been with.
C) How much better, sexier, smarter, etc. she is than his wife.
It'll be some combination of the above.
So come Oscar night and Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar and during her acceptance speech she profusely thanks her husband and more important, he in turn gushes about her. James said in reference to Bullock on Oscar night, "She's beautiful. She's amazing. She takes my breath away. Sometimes I look at her and I do, I just lose my breath"
This completely pissed off McGee because he probably said something similar to her and now it is obvious he has no intentions of leaving Bullock. Out of hurt and anger, McGee then rats to the tabloids. The other 3 mistresses now see an opportunity to cash in on their story too. Some of them, like McGee, was probably under the impression they were the only one. More women will most likely step forward in the coming weeks.
If you've ever listened to any of Tiger Wood's mistresses, most of them had the same story and thought process.
So now some of you are reading this and thinking, "That's THOSE type of women...regular, normal women don't go around sleeping with married men. I'm NOTHING like that". You don't think so, eh? Before you throw stones, have you never flirted with a married guy or another woman's boyfriend just "out of curiosity"? Or because you thought he was "safe" and "probably wouldn't do anything"? I bet if you think back real hard, you'll know at least one girlfriend from your own life who either slept with a married man or took a boyfriend away from another woman. Just because you technically have never slept with a married man, don't be so quick to conclude that you must be so vastly different from these women.
Of course some women have bigger egos than others. In fact, I've been fortunate enough to have a few women in my life that were on the lower end of the ego scale. However, if you're wondering where you land on that scale, here are some tell tale signs that your ego is probably your own worst enemy:
1. You constantly have drama in your life but you always feel that it isn't your fault, that "bad things just happen to me."
2. You've had several bad relationships and you say things like, "I have bad luck", "I have a bad picker", or "I just attract bad guys".
3. When people warn you against someone or something, you want to do it that much more to "prove them wrong".
4. You tend to love the challenge of men who are taken. You think that if you can make him be faithful to you, then it validates your beauty and sexuality. You feel that he'll be different with you because you're special....he told you so.
5. You compete with women everywhere you go, even your own girlfriends.
6. When in an affair, you refuse to let go because you feel that you're "this close to taking him away from her".
7. It doesn't matter what your close friends or family say about the bad relationship you're in, you know better, you "know him" and you "see the good in him" that no one can see.
The most ironic thing of all is that women who are most susceptible to being involved with a married man are the quickest to ridicule other women for being stupid, naive, and weak. Bullock said this about Tiger's wife a mere 10 weeks ago, "If I were Elin, man, I would have hit a lot more than she did. She stopped, she was respectable. I'd get the baseball bat, I'd get everything out." Hilarious.
Regardless of what she says, Bullock won't file for divorce. If she does, she'll be the rare exception and not the rule. She'll make noise about it, then quietly reconcile and give it another try. They'll eventually divorce, but it won't be due to these cheating scandals. She won't leave. Most women in these situations don't. Why? See the title of this post.
Source Links:
Girl #4 Claims Affair with Jesse James
Sandra Bullock's Words for Tiger's Wife
Jesse James Gushes About Sandra Bullock
*Epilogue: If you're reading this post many years after the time it was written, you may not know or care who Sandra Bullock is. It doesn't matter. Simply replace her and her husband with either a couple you know from your personal life, from your own life, or whichever couple happens to be in the headlines.
As a matter of fact, I wrote the core pieces of this post for my private files about 6 years ago. For this posting I simply changed the names and added a few sentences to fit current events. People making these decisions and entering these type of relationships will always be the same.
Most women, however, have an ego the size of Texas. Let me explain and offer some examples that if you as a woman are reading should recognize pretty clearly.
We'll take the recent headline that a 4th woman came forward claiming that she had an affair with Jesse James, the husband of Sandra Bullock. Now, at the time of this posting, none of the women have given any interviews so officially we don't know why they're all coming forward now. But let me venture this guess:
Nearly every woman who has ever had an affair with a married man (or even a man with a girlfriend) always believes she is the only one. (I cannot help but laugh when I hear this...seriously, truly laugh!). So in this particular case, Michelle McGee is James' most recent mistress and she believed him when he told her that either:
A) He is going to or already has left Bullock.
B) She is the woman of his dreams and she is more special than any other woman he's been with.
C) How much better, sexier, smarter, etc. she is than his wife.
It'll be some combination of the above.
So come Oscar night and Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar and during her acceptance speech she profusely thanks her husband and more important, he in turn gushes about her. James said in reference to Bullock on Oscar night, "She's beautiful. She's amazing. She takes my breath away. Sometimes I look at her and I do, I just lose my breath"
This completely pissed off McGee because he probably said something similar to her and now it is obvious he has no intentions of leaving Bullock. Out of hurt and anger, McGee then rats to the tabloids. The other 3 mistresses now see an opportunity to cash in on their story too. Some of them, like McGee, was probably under the impression they were the only one. More women will most likely step forward in the coming weeks.
If you've ever listened to any of Tiger Wood's mistresses, most of them had the same story and thought process.
So now some of you are reading this and thinking, "That's THOSE type of women...regular, normal women don't go around sleeping with married men. I'm NOTHING like that". You don't think so, eh? Before you throw stones, have you never flirted with a married guy or another woman's boyfriend just "out of curiosity"? Or because you thought he was "safe" and "probably wouldn't do anything"? I bet if you think back real hard, you'll know at least one girlfriend from your own life who either slept with a married man or took a boyfriend away from another woman. Just because you technically have never slept with a married man, don't be so quick to conclude that you must be so vastly different from these women.
Of course some women have bigger egos than others. In fact, I've been fortunate enough to have a few women in my life that were on the lower end of the ego scale. However, if you're wondering where you land on that scale, here are some tell tale signs that your ego is probably your own worst enemy:
1. You constantly have drama in your life but you always feel that it isn't your fault, that "bad things just happen to me."
2. You've had several bad relationships and you say things like, "I have bad luck", "I have a bad picker", or "I just attract bad guys".
3. When people warn you against someone or something, you want to do it that much more to "prove them wrong".
4. You tend to love the challenge of men who are taken. You think that if you can make him be faithful to you, then it validates your beauty and sexuality. You feel that he'll be different with you because you're special....he told you so.
5. You compete with women everywhere you go, even your own girlfriends.
6. When in an affair, you refuse to let go because you feel that you're "this close to taking him away from her".
7. It doesn't matter what your close friends or family say about the bad relationship you're in, you know better, you "know him" and you "see the good in him" that no one can see.
The most ironic thing of all is that women who are most susceptible to being involved with a married man are the quickest to ridicule other women for being stupid, naive, and weak. Bullock said this about Tiger's wife a mere 10 weeks ago, "If I were Elin, man, I would have hit a lot more than she did. She stopped, she was respectable. I'd get the baseball bat, I'd get everything out." Hilarious.
Regardless of what she says, Bullock won't file for divorce. If she does, she'll be the rare exception and not the rule. She'll make noise about it, then quietly reconcile and give it another try. They'll eventually divorce, but it won't be due to these cheating scandals. She won't leave. Most women in these situations don't. Why? See the title of this post.
Source Links:
Girl #4 Claims Affair with Jesse James
Sandra Bullock's Words for Tiger's Wife
Jesse James Gushes About Sandra Bullock
*Epilogue: If you're reading this post many years after the time it was written, you may not know or care who Sandra Bullock is. It doesn't matter. Simply replace her and her husband with either a couple you know from your personal life, from your own life, or whichever couple happens to be in the headlines.
As a matter of fact, I wrote the core pieces of this post for my private files about 6 years ago. For this posting I simply changed the names and added a few sentences to fit current events. People making these decisions and entering these type of relationships will always be the same.
Women That Set Themselves Up To Be Cheated On
When a man cheats on a woman, whether it is celebrities or someone in our personal lives, it is common practice to put the blame 100% on the man. Is the guy wrong? Absolutely. This post isn't about excusing the cheating man's bad behavior. What this post is about is women (and society in general) excusing other women from all responsibility in the situation.
Most people know who Sandra Bullock is; she's America's sweetheart, funny, pretty, intelligent, and by all accounts a professional that everyone wants to work with. Now of all the people in the world that she decided to marry, she picks Jesses James. A man who was married to a porn star.
(Intelligence or professional success has absolutely nothing to do with decision making when it comes to attraction...we'll get to that in future posts)
When Bullock's friend's found out she was dating him, James said, "all of her friends, absolutely, like 100 percent, [were] like, 'No way, we're putting a stop to this. This is no good". What most well meaning friends don't know is that when you tell most women not to do something, they want to do it more.
Often times women do not take responsibility for the consequences of their decisions. They pick the guy that is the biggest challenge and then express shock when the inevitable happens. If you read most comments, the general consensus is "poor Sandra Bullock", but that is excusing her from her poor decision making. She went after a guy who was notorious for dating extremely promiscuous women. She took on the challenge and got burned. That's her responsibility. Halle Berry had the same problem. Jennifer Aniston also falls into this category.
It would be the equivalent of me dating a stripper and then complaining that too many men gawk at her and that she takes her clothes off too much. Seriously? Would anyone feel sorry for the me? Of course not. What would most people say? They would say "what did you expect?" But we don't put that same layer of logic on women when they select high risk men.
Source Links:
Sandra Bullock's Friends Warned Her
Jesse James Reputation with Women
Most people know who Sandra Bullock is; she's America's sweetheart, funny, pretty, intelligent, and by all accounts a professional that everyone wants to work with. Now of all the people in the world that she decided to marry, she picks Jesses James. A man who was married to a porn star.
(Intelligence or professional success has absolutely nothing to do with decision making when it comes to attraction...we'll get to that in future posts)
When Bullock's friend's found out she was dating him, James said, "all of her friends, absolutely, like 100 percent, [were] like, 'No way, we're putting a stop to this. This is no good". What most well meaning friends don't know is that when you tell most women not to do something, they want to do it more.
Often times women do not take responsibility for the consequences of their decisions. They pick the guy that is the biggest challenge and then express shock when the inevitable happens. If you read most comments, the general consensus is "poor Sandra Bullock", but that is excusing her from her poor decision making. She went after a guy who was notorious for dating extremely promiscuous women. She took on the challenge and got burned. That's her responsibility. Halle Berry had the same problem. Jennifer Aniston also falls into this category.
It would be the equivalent of me dating a stripper and then complaining that too many men gawk at her and that she takes her clothes off too much. Seriously? Would anyone feel sorry for the me? Of course not. What would most people say? They would say "what did you expect?" But we don't put that same layer of logic on women when they select high risk men.
There are many reasons why women are naturally attracted to men who can get other women. We'll certainly have several posts that break down the "why". Attraction isn't a choice. People think they have a choice, but they don't. But if women do not take the time to be a bit more self aware and stop making poor decisions that lead to unhealthy relationships, they have to take some responsibility for the consequences when the inevitable happens.
Source Links:
Sandra Bullock's Friends Warned Her
Jesse James Reputation with Women
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
How To Stay Young
You know why great comedians are so funny? Because their craft has always been to see the truth in our human nature. They're never politically correct, even when that ridiculous movement was the trend. They hold up a mirror that most people find uncomfortable but in that discomfort it creates humor. The greats know how to do that well.
One of my favorite comedians is George Carlin. Here is his brilliant monologue about aging. At the end of his routine I included a list of ways to stay young that's been gathered through various sources; my view on how to keep life from making you bitter, jaded, and depressed.
(Begin)
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YEAS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
- George Carlin
(End)
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Do something active at least twice a week; something that will make you break a sweat.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about computers, psychology, gardening, science, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, friends, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next country, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Have a hobby that is supposedly meant for young kids; comics, video games, board games, ice skate, collect dolls (if you're a woman...don't collect dolls if you're a man, just don't do it).
11. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
12. Spend time with babies and toddlers. A child's laugh is the purest joy on the planet.
One of my favorite comedians is George Carlin. Here is his brilliant monologue about aging. At the end of his routine I included a list of ways to stay young that's been gathered through various sources; my view on how to keep life from making you bitter, jaded, and depressed.
(Begin)
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YEAS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
- George Carlin
(End)
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Do something active at least twice a week; something that will make you break a sweat.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about computers, psychology, gardening, science, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, friends, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next country, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Have a hobby that is supposedly meant for young kids; comics, video games, board games, ice skate, collect dolls (if you're a woman...don't collect dolls if you're a man, just don't do it).
11. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
12. Spend time with babies and toddlers. A child's laugh is the purest joy on the planet.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Balanced Relationship Model
*Prologue: I believe that there are some problems that both men and women face in love, sex, and romantic relationships that are unique to our current society and times. We'll breakdown and address those challenges in other posts on this blog. This particular post focuses on the ideal relationship model that holds true regardless of the times we live in.
First and foremost you need Passion. Women will often describe this as “chemistry” or “butterflies”. Men usually experience passion in the form of great sex and a “can’t get enough of her” feeling. In both cases they feel physically drawn to one another. Nothing else matters except the next time you get to see this person. Both men and women have described this experience as a “drug” and for intents and purpose, passion is an addiction.
(Passion is a necessary fire to start a healthy relationship. This is the probably the main component that most relationships are missing today, but that will be addressed in a separate post.)
The next component you need is Intimacy. This is sometimes confused with feelings of passion. But intimacy is where you feel an emotional connection with someone; often times you feel as if you’ve known this person before or you’ve met in a different lifetime. Universally people have described it as, “I was meant to meet this person”. You feel completely comfortable and close almost immediately upon the first meeting. Time flies by when you’re talking to each other. You want to spend as much time together as possible.
The third component needed is Commitment. This is a sense of loyalty or duty to a single person. You know that you are there for each other through “sickness and in health”. Commitment allows you to be free to “be yourself” around this person, knowing that they are with you even when you don’t look your best and despite all your flaws. For women, the feeling of commitment is what allows them to feel secure enough to start a family and have children. Commitment is an unspoken trust that the person will be faithful to you.
Nearly all relationships will have all 3 of these major components in varying degrees. However, problems arise when these components are out of balanced.
High Passion, Low Intimacy, Low Commitment
If you have passion, but no intimacy or commitment, then that would be just a physical relationship such as a one night stand. Sometimes women who have affairs with married men will experience this type of relationship. Women may feel some level of intimacy but because passion is such a vital component for men, his desires and appreciation for the sexual satisfaction may come across as intimacy to women.
High Intimacy, Low Passion, Low Commitment
This is basically a very good friendship. MANY men across the world knows how this feels; it’s called the dreaded “friend zone”. They’re always the friend and never the boyfriend. Women will feel very close to these guys but they don’t feel any sexual or romantic attraction towards them.
High Commitment, Low Passion, Low Intimacy
This is very common among married couples during the last few years right before a divorce. They are roommates who may be great parents and good domestic partners, but the marriage is basically dead. It’s an empty relationship. "Boredom" is the symptom most often described by women. "Lack of good sex" and "lack of appreciation" is what is most often described by men.
Unfortunately this is probably the most common of relationships today among marriages. This is often called “settling”; we are brain washed to believe that commitment is the only component that counts and thousands of people take that advice only to end up miserable and unhappy within 5-7 years. This is also one of the most common mistakes men make today as they offer a high level of commitment to a woman hoping to earn passion; this also leads to the dreaded "friend zone'. We will dive into the specifics in separate posts.
Some relationships may have 2 out of the 3 components:
High Passion, High Intimacy, Low Commitment
This is the classic relationship model that defines most extramarital affairs. By far this is the most addictive and destructive of all the relationship types, but also the most satisfying and memorable. Another term to describe this is the “Romeo and Juliet” syndrome. Obstacles such as distance, family objections, or any number of outside forces will make the passion and intimacy even more intense. Ending this type of relationship is often described as worst than actual physical pain.
High Commitment, High Passion, Low Intimacy
The least common among all the relationship models, this relationship type is when a couple stays together because they have a great sex life. They usually lead separate lives and do not share much other than a healthy sexual relationship and a commitment to stay together. They do genuinely care for one another and love each other but in a “close friend” type of way. With this type of relationship there are usually no children involved and/or the children are grown.
High Intimacy, High Commitment, Low Passion
This is mostly seen in very old couples who have been married for 40 or 50 years. They haven’t had sex in a many years but their love and commitment for one another is apparent for all to see.
While this brings many “Awww’s” from people, what is most often overlooked is that for the majority of their relationship, this couple had High Passion, High Intimacy, and High Commitment. While age and nature has eventually taken away the need for physical passion over time, it doesn’t mean that these couples would have made it this far without it.
Which brings us to the main point of this post: In order to have a healthy balanced relationship, a couple must have all 3 components. Yes, I understand that life challenges (jobs, children, sickness, etc) will affect each of these pillars in one way or another. That’s not what I’m talking about. What is vital is that these pieces are there in the beginning of your relationship and that both the man and the woman strive to keep a balance of all 3.
The crucial mistake that people make is to claim that one or more of these components aren’t necessary. Unfortunately we have volumes of books, magazines, and talk shows that try to tell us that and it send us all down a path to unhappy relationships.
The second equally crucial mistake that people make is to believe that one component can make up for the other two. For example, women often think that a guy who has high commitment value can make up for the lack of passion or intimacy. Ask any woman who has been in one of those types of relationships and ask her how it worked out.
These 3 components are the framework that all healthy, long lasting relationships are built upon. One isn’t more important than the other and one can never make up for the lack of the other two.
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